*The following article contains discussion of suicide/self-harm.
We’ve all made decisions that we regret, but sometimes it’s best to keep those feelings to ourselves.
This may be especially true for one mother who regrets having children and not only told her husband about it, but also their young daughter.
Redditor ilyaoventen wrote into the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit after sharing her true feelings.
The Redditor shared how many kids she has.
“I (F[emale]24) have 4 children. I had my first when I was 19. My children are 5F, 3F, 2F and 1 M{ale].”
She clarified that all of her children had been planned, but she didn’t want to be a mother.
“All of our children have been planned, but it’s always been my husband pushing to have another. If he’d have let me I would’ve stopped after our oldest.
“I never really wanted to be a mom, and don’t feel as though I connect with them very well.”
While putting her eldest to bed, the truth came out.
“A few nights ago I was putting my eldest daughter to sleep when she started asking me loads of questions.”
“She’s a really curious little girl. I had a traumatic birth with her and post natal depression so always struggled with bonding, and still do struggle connecting with her.”
“She told me she wants lots of babies when she’s older and then asked me how many I wanted when I was her age.”
“I told her I didn’t want any and that I didn’t even want any when I had her.”
“I know she’s only 5 but she massively misinterpreted it and got upset. I comforted her and put her back to sleep.”
The next morning, her husband confronted her.
“In the morning she must’ve told her father what had happened when he was making her breakfast as I woke up to my husband absolutely furious with me for traumatizing our daughter and damaging her self esteem.”
“I told him she’d be fine but he kept shouting at me telling me I was an awful mother.”
“I replied that it’s hard being a good mother to kids you regret having.”
The husband left before they could resolve their conversation.
“He asked if I was being serious and I said that I was being impulsive when I said that but that I didn’t want them and he knew that.”
“He left the room absolutely furious with me and took the kids to his parents house.”
Now the Redditor wonders if she was wrong for being honest.
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors commented on the OP’s (Original Poster’s) story, using the following scale:
- NTA: “Not the A**hole”
- YTA: “You’re the A**hole”
- ESH: “Everybody Sucks Here”
- NAH: “No A**holes Here”
Some commented with a definite YTA because of the impact this would have on her children.
“I’m 20 and I seriously treasure the love my mum gives me. Her cuddles are honestly the only thing on the planet that really take everything away. Her perfumes are my happiest memories.”
“This poor kid had that taken away from her at 5 years old by her asshole of a mother who not only produced her despite not wanting to, decided to give another 3 kids a rubbish chance at a healthy upbringing.”
“As far as AITA goes, this woman is arguably the worst.” – emi_rivale30
“I thought this was f**ked up and already prepared to say YTA when I thought the girl was going to be like 16! But a 5 year old child?”
“If I was the dad that’d honestly be grounds for divorce to me. If ‘what you say to your child becomes their inner voice’ and she already doesn’t care about her children’s self esteem now, how will it be when she has teenagers?” – deadwrongdeada**
“I really thought i had misread or misinterpreted the title. But no, this lady seriously told her FIVE YEAR OLD LITTLE GIRL she didnt want her.”
“Chr**t it does take two people to make a child and if he was ‘forcing her’ then thats an issue that she should have left him for a long time ago. You dont have kids to make someone else happy, thats how you ruin kids.”
“Biggest AH in this sub. YTA op, and i hope you figure out how important your kids actually are to you and make some changes. Either leave them the heck alone to be happy or actually put some effort into fixing your outlook.” – leather_face108
Some claimed ESH because of the husband’s probable involvement.
“It sounds like she buckled under her husband’s pressure. And who the hell pressures a woman into having kids at 19, then makes her keep doing it?? I wouldn’t be surprised if this dude is practically forcing her to be his baby factory.” – Honestlynina
“Yeah, the husband is absolutely also the AH for pushing her to have multiple kids. It’s easy to say ‘She couldn’t say no’ when you’re looking at them from the outside, but we have no idea what the relationship dynamic is like.”
“OP is still massively the AH for being so callously mean to that poor girl, but so is the husband. ESH, except for those poor children.” – Dracarys_Aspo
“I get what you are saying because my heart breaks for the OP. But I firmly believe that practically all abusive parents are people who need help. Few were born to be crappy people.”
“The mother who screams obscenities at her kids in the grocery store might be in the same position that the OP’s in. Yet most of us wouldn’t hesitate to call such a mother an AH.”
“So I think the OP is the AH too, for telling her small child something that no small child should ever hear. Being in a toxic marriage doesn’t mean you can’t also be toxic yourself.” – autotelica
Others pointed out that society is TA, too, for pressuring women to have children.
“This is why we as a society need to normalize that it’s ok to not want children. At 19 my father was calling me a childless spinster, and at 28 my mother has constantly said that I’ll change my mind about not wanting kids when I get married because I’ll do it for my husband. Op is TA, but so is society.” – gabenomics
“It’s so expected of us to have children. Women are often told that ‘it will be different when it’s your own’ so its quite possible that this is part of it. I’ve never wanted to children.”
“Now, at almost 30 and married (to another woman) I still get shit for it from people, ‘are you sure? you never know, kids are great!’ Yeah they are. That’s why I’m a child psychologist, doesn’t mean i want my own.” – cools14
The OP came back with an update.
“Thank you to all of you who messaged me with your support, and thank you to those who told me to die, I considered it.”
“My husband and kids have returned home and taking your advice, have told her that I may not have wanted kids but I want her and I love her. She’s now happy in her room playing with her Barbies.”
“I love my kids, and I’m going to get help with my depression so I don’t hurt them anymore.”
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/