If there's one challenge parents face more than any other, it's instilling good habits into their children.
All any parent wants is for their child to be happy and healthy, both physically and mentally.
For that reason, most parents aren't too authoritarian when it comes to their children's habits, wanting to give them a little freedom. But how much freedom is too much?
The daughter of a recent Redditor was an active member of her dance team.
Since the original poster (OP) believed her daughter had a sufficiently active and healthy lifestyle, she didn't give too much thought or put too many restrictions on certain areas of her life.
Something the OP's husband would eventually scold her for out of concern for her daughter's health.
Wondering if her husband was right, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for letting my daughter eat whatever she wants?"
The OP explained why she found herself at odds with her husband over her daughter's diet:
"I (45 F[emale]) have a (15 F) daughter."
"She is extremely active on her school's dance team."
"They have practices 8 hours a week, and according to her Fitbit she gets 100+ 'active minutes' a day on average."
"Because of this, I basically let her eat whatever she wants (packs her own lunches/buys school lunch, eats whatever snacks she wants, eat or not eat the family dinner, all her choice)."
"Because of the long practices, she usually eats a normal-sized lunch, a large snack, and a large dinner every day."
"However, my husband (her stepfather) has told me that I need to be enforcing healthier eating habits because 'she's getting chubby' (she's always been on the curvier side, but she's a size medium or a size 8 in most clothing items, she's 5'4 and 150 pounds)."
"He told me that she's going to end up obese if I don't fix it now, and that's probably the cause of her knee problems (she's hyper mobile in her knees, so they'll randomly buckle backwards and get a mild sprain)."
"I've ignored his concern on the matter, because I believe my daughter is fine the way she is (and no doctor has brought up needing to lose weight), and that the knee problems are just an unfortunate genetic component (both me and her father have similar issues)."
"Does this make me the AH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided as to whether or not the OP was the a**hole for letting her daughter eat whatever she wanted.
Some felt that the OP was not the a**hole, feeling that the OP would intervene if that did become necessary, even if some felt that the OP should at least make sure she teaches her daughter the importance of a balanced diet and exercise, agreeing that while her husband didn't address the matter well, her daughter did seem overweight for her height.
"NTA."
"But hear me out."
"I'm a body-positive fatty, on a WL journey, and close to your daughter's height."
"I've spent my whole life throwing eye daggers at anyone who criticized kids' eating habits or weight because I felt this happened to me as a kid and was NOT helpful and even did more damage than good."
"I stand by that opinion as well as your daughter's right, as a 15-year-old, to decide what's best for her to eat without having it policed, much less 'enforced' as your husband suggests."
"That said, the more work I do on my own health, the more I realize it's not a crime for a parent to want their kid to make healthy choices in all aspects of their lives, including their relationship with food."
"Thus, I think your husband is being an AH for focusing on the 'getting chubby', 'fix it now', and perhaps overstepping as a stepparent."
"But I don't think he's wrong for suggesting she may be forming bad habits, and you have an opportunity to help her replace them with better ones."
"150 is technically overweight for your daughter's height (I know this because I initially set it as my goal weight and my doctor was like 'try again, shorty'), although I know there are more factors than height and weight that go into what is healthy."
"If you are responsible for providing the large snack and the large dinner, perhaps you could replace them with a normal snack and a normal dinner, or keep them large in volume but lean a little heavier on veggies and protein."
"And this can't be something that is just for your daughter and not the rest of the family--it's a good time to get everyone to commit to eating a little better, including stepdad!"- JeepersCreepers74
"NTA."
"However your husband MAY have a point."
"His way of phrasing it SUCKS, but 15 years old, 5'4" and 150 seems a little on the high side to me."
"I would be keeping an eye on it."
"I'm 5'5" and have always been reasonably fit but not what anyone would call skinny."
"I'm 138 and 63 years old."
"At her age I was strong AF, athletic and 125lbs."
"Two hours of practice a day isn't all that much - fairly typical for high school sports and there's three more days each week."
"Might need to pay a little closer attention to food choices and what's in the 'normal' lunch and snack."- CharlatansExposed
"NTA."
"But maybe your husband isn't entirely wrong either."
"5'4 at 150 is not really a healthy weight, is it?"
"If she's that active and she's still 150, then that has to be more than the amount of calories she needs."
"I'm a 40 yr old woman."
"My body has started feeling the wear of life, and I really wish I had developed healthier habits when I was younger."
"It is just that - a habit."
"I'm not saying to act like your husband about it."
"Also don't tell her what she can and can't eat, but don't tell her she's a healthy weight - body positivity is nice, but you can be body positive and encourage healthy too."- ygnomecookies
Others, however, felt that the OP was being the a**hole for not teaching her daughter the importance of a healthy diet, with a few pointing out that exercise doesn't make up for eating improperly.
"Gentle YTA for the missed opportunity in parenting."
"Intuitive eating is great, but our intuition can be warped by cravings for foods that were strategically designed to be addictive."
"And exercising is great, but you'd be amazed at how a 'large snack' can have 2x the calories you burn in a workout, if that snack is junk food."
"The day your daughter graduates high school is the day she'll no longer be on the high school dance team, and the day she moves out she'll need to manage all her own nutritional info."
"But for now she's still a child & it's your responsibility to take care of her, including feeding her & teaching her."
"This is your last chance to provide her with healthy food & teach her how to feed herself in a healthy way."
"It would be great for her to understand nutrition, like research-backed guidelines on what a balanced diet looks like, how to balance that with enjoying treats sometimes, what's required nutritionally to support an active lifestyle, how to build good habits and plan meals, etc."
"Not to ever deny her food if she's hungry or try to change her body size, but to set her up in life to make sustainable choices."
"If you've already done all that and the food she's choosing for herself is on the right track, my apologies & nvm!"- Maximum_Chair4836
"YTA, she's a child, you are her caretaker."
"You need to instill healthy habits with her."
"Snacking is a terrible habit that could stick with her for life."
"5'4" and 150 lbs is heavy, it really is."
"If she has knee problems now, they will only get worse."
"I also saw in another response that you said she burned 2,000 calories in a 3 hour practice, but this is just not true."
"High intensity estimates would be a max of 1,500 calories, and that's if she was at the high intensity for the entire 3 hours."
"It's more likely she's burning a max of 1,000-1,200 calories."
"Not only that, but she's clearly eating more calories than she's burning, at the weight she's at."-Linecruncher
"YTA."
"You aren't teaching your kid how to have/create healthy meals."
"This is a life skill."
"If she doesn't learn that and continues to eat whatever she wants as she ages, it will most definitely be bad for her health."- Working_Early
The OP is undoubtedly very proud of her daughter. She clearly loves her and wants what's best for her.
Even so, while nothing may appear to be wrong, and if her husband's fears she was getting "chubby" were not the best choice of words, the OP might, at the very least, want to get a doctor's opinion.
As health is a very complicated, sometimes complex issue, and even with all the exercise she's getting from the dance team, the OP's daughter still might not be treating her body as well as she should be.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp