Dieting in a house full of people can be challenging. If the whole household follows the same menu, it can be easier to succeed.
But if the dieter is following a restricted menu and everyone else gets to eat the fun stuff, it can be much more tricky.
A woman trying to change her diet turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Ok_Fix_9456 asked:
"AITA for telling my mom to stop cooking for me because she keeps 'experimenting' on my food?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So I (22, female) recently started weight loss meds, and with it comes changing my eating habits, and while I'm not sure if my ADHD has a part in all this, I have very specific preferences when I eat."
"I'm usually fairly good when it comes to eating new things, but usually when I have a preference, I stick by it and will not eat it any other way. But since I started this medication, my mom has been trying to help me with eating better."
"I love my mother very much and appreciate the effort she puts into trying to help me and do what's best, but sometimes it only causes more problems, such as now."
"For some extra information, I am not saying I was completely right for how I acted, I was just off a 22 hour shift, starving and woken up very rudely prior to eating. Nonetheless, I could have gone about it better, but it was just not my day today."
"Anyways, I came out into the kitchen and my mom made my favorite childhood food which is her spaghetti with sour cream. However, this time it was clearly different and I knew then and there I was gonna have an issue."
"To further prove my point, the second I ate it, the taste and texture was completely different, but not so horrible I wouldn't eat it. I was disappointed, but I continued eating because she made it for me."
"The moment I got upset was because my brother came down and his plate was way different from mine."
"It was the usual way she made it and the way I loved. Turns out she switched the tomato sauce for the pasta sauce, changed the noodles to whole wheat and left out the sour cream to make it healthier for me."
"I was more upset because she didn't tell me she was going to make an entire other pot just for me and with things I have previously said I didn't like. But this isn't the only time she's done it and not the only time I've told her to ask me next time.
"So I snapped and told her just don't cook for me anymore if she wasn't going to listen to my preferences and be surprised when I say I don't like the food. And then begin the 'woe is me' and guilt tripping me by saying I'm never satisfied with her, when she has in fact made many foods that I love."
"But it's trying to find alternatives that I have issues with, because she experiments with my food without asking me."
"I will admit I could have gone about it much better, and believe me being sleep deprived and hungry made me more irritated. I love my mom, but it gets so tiring repeating myself and then being made to feel like sh*t when she doesn't try to ask me before making it for me."
"So am I the a**hole?"
"I love my mom and appreciate having a mom who cares enough to want to help me, and it sucks because sometimes (maybe I'm just dramatic) it feels like she doesn't really know me because it happens so much."
"And unfortunately I have bought stuff to keep in my room, but my room doesn't have a lock that locks on the outside when I go to work, so I come back and see some are missing. Just the other day I left for work in a rush, and I came home and saw money I had was missing."
"It was $100 I was gonna use towards paying my therapy bill, but now it's gone and I'm just so tired of it all to be honest. I plan to move out eventually, but with the economy right now, god knows when that'll be!"
"I do cook for myself, but it's frustrating when the food I buy to cook for myself gets eaten before I even have a chance to cook it for what I intended to use it for."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I snapped at my mom and told her not to cook for me anymore because I didn't like the food she made."
"Because she was going the extra mile to make food for me and try to help me better my eating habits when she doesn't have to and I made her feel bad."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. People 'helping' by doing what you explicitly asked them not to do is not helping. Your mom might have had good intentions to begin with, but it stopped being that when she ignored your wishes and carried on with what she deems helpful." ~ flinsbird
"I'll add that truly helping is 'What can I do for you' not 'I'm just going to do whatever the f*ck I want regardless of your input on your own needs'." ~ JustNeedSpinda
"NTA. You've told her not to mess with the food multiple times, she's messed with the food multiple times. After 20+ hours of no sleep and consistent boundary pushing, I'd be pissed too." ~ Successful_Ad1331
"If you didn't ask her to cook for you, and she didn't listen when you clearly told her your food preferences, then it really wasn't for you. It was to make herself feel a certain way." ~ SJ_Barbarian
"I would let her efforts go to waste, because at this point it's likely the only thing that will get her to stop."
"A similar thing happened with my mother, who continuously used one specific seasoning in everything she cooked. I was so sick of it, and no matter how many times I told her to stop, she still cooked with it."
"So I stopped eating her food and made my own. She would ask why, and I said 'I told you I hate X, you put X in all the food, so I'm not eating it'. Repeat that almost daily for about 2-3 weeks before she finally stopped." ~ drop_bears_unite
"Most often, the best weight loss diets are about portion control rather than the actual food ingredients (other than avoiding high salts). In fact, most successful weight loss drugs target appetite rather than metabolism."
"Maybe if you try explaining this to your mom it will help her understand that you can still eat your favorite foods, you'll just eat less of it.'
"I'm going with NAH (is that right? No AH?). She wants to help you, she's just going about it poorly, and you aren't doing anything wrong other than not communicating your feelings and appreciation as well as you could." ~ Itsjustme326
"NTA, it sounds like you have a mom problem; specifically, she refuses to take your preferences into consideration despite repeated input from you."
"She clearly doesn't take you seriously and is a tad on the narcissistic side when she cries you don't appreciate her and guilt trips you."
"If it were me, I would just not eat what she makes AT ALL and just either make my own or order out, just to piss her off, but I'm petty that way." ~ M312345
"I have ADHD and also have sensory issues surrounding food. I need a heads up that the food is different then what I am used to so I can mentally prepare for it."
"Does this suck? Absolutely. Am I being a picky pain in the ass on purpose? Absolutely not."
"NTA. But maybe start having small safe healthy ish snacks set aside so you can eat when the meal isn't what your brain is expecting." ~ postalpinup
"NTA. You've had the conversation before and she still meddles with your food. You never asked her to do this and have explicitly told her not to many times."
"She made the food objectively worse than gave it to just you. I'm assuming she didn't eat her gross pasta."
"Sure you shouldn't have snipped but you know that and this isn't a one off. You apologized but it also sounds like your mom is a bit of a narcissist so you know it's never good enough."
"I think you are right, don't have her cook for you and if she does and you don't like it just don't eat or and cook for yourself anyway." ~ Loud_et_Proud
"NTA. It's clear you didn't mean to snap at your mom the way you did. We're all guilty of snapping without meaning to and your reasons for doing so are completely valid."
"You've acknowledged you regret the way you handled things, but I think the message you conveyed was important even if it was executed not in the way you wished."
"Repeatedly ignoring your polite requests to not alter your food is disrespectful, even if she isn't meaning to be. Maybe sit down and have a proper talk with her about how it makes you feel." ~ blossominghost
OP decided to try talking to their mother again.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp