The aftermaths of the recent hurricanes will be felt for years to come.
The daily tragedy seen on the news is almost unbearable to watch. Homes have been destroyed, families displaced, entire towns washed away; it's monumental.
So many people have had to find refuge through the kindness of loved ones.
And some of these living situations have not been ideal.
Redditor Responsible_Ideal900 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my sister and her family that they have to stay somewhere else even though they lost everything?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (30 F[emale]) sister(26 F) lost everything."
"They live in North Carolina in one of the small towns that were hit."
"I will not say which one for privacy."
"Luckily, they were not home when it happened. "
"Instead, they were off in Illinois for my wedding."
"They have been staying with me for around three weeks now."
"Both my sister and myself have children."
"She has a 5 F, 3 F, 1 M."
"I have a 6-year-old and a 2-year-old who gets into everything."
"I have absolutely everything locked."
"Cabinets, door handles, appliances, outlet covers, you name it."
"This is 100% needed with my toddler."
"Since day 1 of my sister's being here, she has been complaining about all of the locks."
"She thinks they are a pain and will constantly leave everything unlocked just so she doesn't have to deal with it."
"My toddler, and hers, have been getting into absolutely everything."
"It's dangerous for them, it's a mess and quite frankly, it sucks."
"I have tried talking to her about it but now, she's trying to play the guilt game because she lost everything and we said she could stay here."
"I get it, it sucks."
"It's absolutely devastating to have nothing to go home to."
"She hasn't even fully processed it yet, but this is still my home."
"Yesterday, I reached my absolute limit with it when my toddler got into my cleaning closet."
"Luckily all he got ahold of was the broom."
"I admit, I yelled at my sister."
"She started yelling back about losing everything."
"I yelled it wasn't my fault it happened and told her she needed to find somewhere else to stay."
"I feel awful now."
"She's still here while she figures something out but we haven't said a word to each other since."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. When your sister pulls the 'we've lost everything,' tell her that her family is all safe, so she should count her blessings."
"And that your childproofing of your home is to prevent FURTHER loss of harm to what IS most precious... the children."
"You were kind enough to let her stay in your home, and with young children herself, I'm frankly amazed that she isn't more concerned with harm coming to them."
"We had every gadget for cabinets, doors, stairs, faucets, outlets, cords, etc."
"That is what parents are supposed to do."
"Tell her that while you feel empathy for them and their situation, you will not put the safety of the children and their well-being at risk."
"You have nothing to feel sorry or guilty for."
"It is your home, and she's not being very respectful or grateful for the help you offered to her family." ~ Aggressive_Cattle320
"NTA. Obviously, she's in a terrible predicament, and it would be fair to cut her some slack in general."
"But what you're asking her to do is not just a preference."
"She's not being kicked out for leaving towels on the floor or opening a new carton of milk before finishing the old one."
"She is putting your child's safety at risk."
"And she gets no slack for that." ~ OkeyDokey654
"NTA. Your sister is a poor guest and disrespecting your home."
"She has overstayed her welcome and created an unsafe environment for your family."
"She has only herself to blame for being asked to leave." ~ Humble_Pen_7216
"As someone who has a toddler who is also VERY curious about everything (and therefore has everything under the sun locked as well)... All of this."
"Yeah, it's not convenient to have to unlock stuff to get to it, but I would a million times rather be slightly irritated by that than absolutely devastated that something happened to my child because I didn't want to be mildly inconvenienced."
"There really isn't even a question."
"Yes, it sucks she lost everything material."
"She has her family."
"Most things can be replaced, people cannot. Full stop." ~ kaysolike
"I have a toddler who is very much NOT into everything—she is super safety conscious, and the type to complain if she sees a gate unlatched or a child lock unlocked."
"I STILL yell at the other adults in my house if they leave something open."
"All it takes for tragedy is one time."
"OP's sister is behaving unconscionably. NTA." ~ Pessimistic-Frog
"I had put up some child-proofing on cabinet doors and such when my daughter was little because I had seen how crazy some toddlers and babies could be when my friend was running a home daycare."
"But then my daughter was the opposite of that; she never messed with anything, and when I told her something was off limits, she respected it (everything but the cat, that is - thankfully, the cat was basically childproof and never had its claws out no matter what)."
"I took every child-proofing gadget off of everything because they are annoying."
"I´m the type of person to be very careful, though, and my daughter is the same, so everything is closed or locked as appropriate, and we don´t mess with anything that shouldn´t be messed with."
"I kind of think that should be focused on more when teaching young children, talking to them about the dangers and not just trusting in the child-proofing stuff." ~ hervararsaga
"She may have lost everything but that doesn't mean she can take over your house and live like it's hers."
"She's completely ungrateful and selfish."
"She thinks she can milk her loss for sympathy so she doesn't have to follow your rules."
"She has young kids and should also be concerned about them."
"She seems like the type that will plan to stay forever, and you'd never get them out."
"Her entitlement is the issue."
"You didn't cause her problems. NTA." ~ babcock27
"100%. There is no amount of hardship that means you can justifiably act like an ahole in other people's homes, ESPECIALLY if it's putting their kids at risk."
"It truly is not hard to be respectful and just lock things up. That's not some huge ask."
"You've been a good sister, and if she can't follow super simple rules for the safety of your family, then she can't stay there."
"Unfortunately, that's just a boundary you have to set, and I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this." ~ Most_Initial4566
"NTA. You're providing a safe space for both of your families, and your home should still feel like your own."
"It's understandable that your sister is going through a rough time, but safety for the kids is non-negotiable."
"Boundaries are important, especially when it comes to keeping the kids out of harm's way."
"You've tried to be understanding, but it's okay to protect your space and sanity, too."
"Hopefully, with some time and communication, things will settle down." ~ Old-Soft-7666
"NTA - You provided shelter for her and her family in her time of need, and she has the audacity to complain about how you let her live in your own house?"
"Her losing her own home does not give her the right to criticize where you live and your decisions in your own home, especially after you are granting her shelter."
"If your house and your rules aren't good enough for her, maybe she should find someplace else to stay." ~ puntacana24
"Agree completely. The audacity to b*tch about the accommodations!"
"Either she gets with the program, or she gets out!"
"Does she have insurance coverage for her loss?"
"How long might it take before those benefits help her?"
"Is she employed and contributing to the household expenses?"
"Do all the kids get along?"
"What does your husband think about all this?"
"Where are parents in all of this?"
"Able to help in any way?"
"Lots of questions to be answered."
"Good luck. NOT AN A.H." ~ Rare-Parsnip5838
"Honestly, I would be so grateful for a place to stay that I would not be making myself a burden, even if it was my sister's."
"I don't understand some people! NTA." ~ mnth241
"NTA. I am in N[o] C[ontact]."
"12 days without power, water isn't even on the horizon."
"I have loads of empathy here."
"But this is two different issues."
"Do you feel sorry for your sister? Yes."
"Will you tolerate your toddler being poisoned by cleaning products because she's too stubborn to use the child locks? No." ~ Auntie-Mam69
"Tragic situation. That said, your sister and her family are guests in your house and need to respect your rules."
"If she can't do that and the tension is too great, then she needs to find somewhere more suitable to live."
"NTA because your rules are quite reasonable, in my opinion, and she purposely chooses to ignore them." ~ Waste_Worker6122
"NTA. Your child's safety is at risk."
"I am so very sorry for your sister, but the current situation is not sustainable."
"Offer to help her talk to her insurance(s) and start looking for other relief efforts for which she would qualify."
"But she still needs to get out to a hotel/apartment/other family member."
"Best wishes to you all." ~ eowynsheiress
"NTA. She's out of line."
"Yes, what happened to their home is terrible, but what you are asking her to do (lock drawers, etc.) has nothing to do with that."
"It is not that hard to lock a drawer, and it is important for the safety of all of the kids, including hers."
"She is staying in your house."
"She should be able to comply with basic stuff like locking a drawer, refusing to do something that minor is pretty rude and disrespectful, and just because something bad happens to you doesn't give you an excuse to be a jerk about something that is 100% unrelated."
"That said, I would probably offer her one last chance given the circumstances, I'm sure she's having a really rough time."
"But if you do make her leave she 100% brought it on herself." ~ Tdluxon
"NTA. Frankly, I am astounded at how many times we see folks here who are relying on friends or family for somewhere to stay, due to unfortunate circumstances, and yet can't be bothered to stick to a few sensible rules and boundaries." ~ VeryFluffy
"NTA. Yes, she lost material goods."
"That truly sucks but what if your children had gotten into the bleach or ammonia in that closet."
"That could've had deadly consequences."
"Your sister's blatant disregard for the safety of her children and yours is beyond scary." ~ lisalef
"NTA. I sympathize with her loss, but it doesn't give her the right to disrespect your home, where you have kindly let her stay." ~ Possible_Tiger_5125
"She lost everything, but she is putting you in danger of losing your CHILD."
"She seems to think she can behave however she wants without consequences because she should be pitied. NTA." ~ ulalumelenore
"NTA, you were willing to house her."
"You aren't willing to kill your kid because she doesn't want to deal with child-proof locks."
"Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!" ~ No-Locksmith-8590
"NTA. It always amazes me when the person being helped forgets they need the help and starts acting entitled." ~ RandomReddit9791
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have to put your children's safety first.
You're also putting her children's safety first.
That is a fact she needs to process as well.
What has happened to her is awful.
But that still doesn't excuse her behavior.
Good luck to you all.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp