Having family you can trust is the ideal, but too many children find themselves in a situation where the adults in their life can't be trusted.
When those children grow up, how they handle their childhood experiences shapes their future.
A woman dealing with an untrustworthy mother turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ShesLowKei asked:
"AITAH? My mum asked me to send a picture of my 16-year-old's birth certificate so she could open him a bank account, I said no."
The original poster (OP) explained:
"She can not be trusted. She said she wants to open him a bank account to put money in for him."
"He already has a savings account I opened for him when he was a baby that he can't touch until he's 18. What banks in England let you open an account with a picture of a birth certificate‽‽"
"I said no and to give me the cash so I can pay it into my account and transfer it to his account—has to be a papertrail and no cash can be paid in directly and I wouldn't want her having the account details anyway."
"Now my mother and siblings are bad mouthing me that I won't let them open a bank account for him to use."
"I'm pretty sure they only want his birth certificate for the registration number to try and commit fraud because why else would they want just a picture of it and not the actual thing?"
"My dad opened up bank accounts for us children when we were little and put a lot of money in them for us (my aunty confirmed and my older sibling recalls it)."
"When my mum left my dad and got a new man she used all our money to pay for parties and gifts for her new man. Whenever family would gift me money as a child she would take it and say she'd keep it safe (then spend it)."
"She asked to borrow £2k from me, then preceded to say I didn't deserve it back because I have a job. There's loads more examples, but that's the jist."
"I know she's got bank accounts open in my siblings' names that my siblings don't know about, because she hides money there. She's on benefits, but works for cash."
"I am a people pleaser, my mum is a narcissist, and my siblings her flying monkeys. They say they hate her, but then they'll do anything for her and let her control them."
"For example, my one sister is scared to speak to our biological dad in case our mum finds out. She's 37 years old and she has her own house! What are you scared of?"
"But she has no problem making false social services accusations or doing insurance fraud whem mum tells her to. Like, she's scared of the wrong things. It's so weird."
"I could hand them physical evidence and if my mum calls me a liar, they will say the evidence is fake or even 'I'm not gonna even look at that'."
"I have my own little family to look after now I can't be trying to convince grown adults what is right and wrong when they only support the wrong it's very draining."
"My siblings aren't my friends. It's sad to say they are more like frenemies. My mum has pitted us against each other since we were toddlers, but I was the scapegoat child and once she kicked me out at 17 that was it—everyone against me."
"I'm sorry, but I don't care what she does with their secret bank accounts because they actually don't deserve my help given they wouldn't listen to me anyway. We're all grown ups now. If my siblings can still put up with my mum's bad ways, I can't and don't want to help them. We're all of age now—I don't need to be in this battle for them."
"I could write a book on the bad things mum's done and it'd be a best seller I reckon. So I do have to second guess myself when I pull back from their demands."
"I thought I was strong enough to not let them bully me. I am trying to cut contact now and seeking therapy for the support to do it."
"My mum is notorious for taking money from all of us. I don't want her abusing my son's finances the way she has mine. I need to find out if she's done anything under his name, because my gut tells me she has."
"I am looking into therapy, it's part of my New Year goals. What I've realised when I self reflect is that I am the product of severe emotional abuse, so sadly the way I think isn't as normal as others who have had healthy emotional upbringing."
"I do realise this and I am working on it, but I do trip up. Like I spoke to my mum the other day and let it slip I'm going abroad and now she's fuming and wants to know why I'm going abroad and exactly who's going, etc...."
"I'm not even looking forward to going now because I fear she'll do something horrible like try and get me detained at border control. She just can't be happy for me and even though I know this, I still give her the benefit of the doubt and I hate that about myself."
"I really wish I knew what they were planning behind the scenes. They obviously don't really want to open a bank account, so my stomach is churning to think what's the real motive."
"I partly think she's going to try and do a benefit claim, because I don't receive any benefits and she does. My gut is telling me she's trying to add him to her benefits to get child related benefits for him. I know that seems crazy wild, but it's really what I'm half thinking."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I refused to let my mom open my son a bank account so she can put money into it. It may make me the a**hole because he hasn't got a current account to use, but he does have a savings account he can't touch."
"He shouldn't be with large amounts of money anyway."
"He's only a child and doesn't have a job yet, so he doesn't need a bank card when he also has my bank card on his Apple Pay if he runs out of physical cash."
"I understand at his age he should be learning the value of money, but opening a bank account is a parental responsibility and I don't feel my son is ready for that yet."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. She can save money in a random account of her own and give to your child later." ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
"Absolutely do not give his birth certificate to them. NTA." ~ angelicak92
"Make sure these documents aren't in a place where your mother can find them if she visits and tell your kid and his father about the attempt." ~ Ok_Homework_7621
"Your son is old enough to have a difficult conversation with him regarding your family."
"You need to tell your son your concerns and that you are afraid they might reach out to him. That under no circumstances should he comply and that when they do try, he should tell you even if they say he should keep it a secret." ~ -Avacyn
"Get a safe, lock the documents in there. Bolt it to the ground."
"Lock down his credit and report her for her fraudulent activities. Bad juju or not, she's trying to f around your sons financial security. Destroying his credit is unacceptable. Why do you keep these people in your life? Protect him at all costs. Go no contact."
"Not sure how it works where you're from, but in Canada you can't open a credit card before the age of 18. You can however open bank accounts and theoretically she could overdraft those."
"Whatever service is used to order another certificate, make sure you have two factor authentication set up on that too." ~ Consistent_Jello_318
"NTA. She can give him cash and he can decide to deposit it in savings or spend. This is a non-problem, made up as an excuse to get a minors birth certificate to open an account online that they can exploit themselves. I say them because any siblings taking her side are enablers/flying monkeys or in on it."
"You are not alone. Many people have families where the bond is not based in love and affection but usefulness and manipulation."
"And here's the truth, when people say you need family what they are thinking of is safe, trustworthy people who have your best interests at heart. When you don't have that from biology, you don't have to stick with horrible lying people you cannot trust."
"You can go low contact (remove all but one path of access to them, block on social media and telephone, don't answer the door if they come by, but leave 1 email they can use and you answer it if/when you want to) or you can go no contact (just cut them off entirely, burn the bridge)."
"To reconnect it will have to be rebuilt on your terms."
"I did both. My mother and sister did not have access to me or my children for 4 years. We now maintain low contact on much better terms."
"And then go find the good, solid, trustworthy and loving people who you choose as family. That will be who your child grows up knowing. Blood is not a dictate, just an option." ~ Viva_Veracity1906
Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and your family is say goodbye to toxic relatives.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp