When someone you love dearly, like a close friend or family member, has a baby, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of spending time with them and having the privilege of holding their baby.
But holding their baby is a privilege, not a guarantee, especially when the baby is hungry, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Normal_Rise_282 had recently had a baby, and she’d been surrounded with her husband, her mother, and her in-laws for the past two months straight while she navigated new motherhood, caring for a newborn, and more recently, a demanding clusterfeeding schedule.
When her in-laws started pressuring her to hold the baby more, and even accused her of “hogging” her own baby to feed them, the Original Poster (OP) decided some distance was necessary.
She asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for telling my husband to go stay in a hotel with my in-laws, and that my mom was going to come back to help me with our new baby instead?”
The OP was processing new motherhood with a lot of company.
“I (28 Female) just had my husband (31 Male) and I’s first child seven weeks ago.”
“I had a scheduled induction, so my mom came two days before I was induced and stayed with us for the first six weeks. She just left last week. She was originally going to just stay for two weeks after I gave birth, but she stayed longer because my recovery has been very difficult, and I just needed the extra help.”
“My in-laws wanted to come visit as soon as the baby was born, as well, but they did not want to stay in a hotel, and we have a small house with no guest room, and my mother was sleeping on a pullout bed in our living room, so there was just no space for anyone else and so they decided not to come visit until my mother left.”
The OP’s in-laws were very demanding of the baby.
“They arrived three days ago, and it has not gone well. Last night, my mother-in-law (MIL) got very upset with me and told me I was ruining her experience as a first-time grandma and ‘hogging both the baby and her son after she had to wait weeks and weeks to meet the baby.'”
“The background here is that the baby is cluster feeding for the last few days, and I do not feel comfortable breastfeeding in front of my in-laws, so I keep taking the baby to our bedroom or the nursery to feed him, and breastfeeding makes me hungry and thirsty, so I keep asking my husband to bring me snacks and water.”
“I try to bring the baby out to interact with my in-laws when he stops feeding for a few minutes, but it is very aggravating to keep covering up and going downstairs just for the baby to cry minutes later and want to feed again.”
“My MIL keeps rolling her eyes and getting annoyed each time I said he had to feed again and go back upstairs, and she kept being like, ‘He can’t be hungry; he just ate!'”
“And she thinks I just don’t want to let her hold him or play with him, and when I ask my husband to bring me snacks and stuff, she keeps huffing and saying things like, ‘Okay, your father-in-law (FIL) and I will just sit here by ourselves!'”
The OP’s mother-in-law was also adding more work to the home.
“She has not offered me any help the way my mother did.”
“My mom would cook for us like every day, and she would take over baby care for the night when she was staying here, and she would just bring him to me to nurse, but she would burp and change him and get him back to sleep for me around two nights a week, and it was a lifesaver.”
“My MIL just keeps telling me to give her the baby when I can’t because he needs to eat and not really doing anything to help, and getting mad that I need my husband’s help.”
The OP was hurt when her husband sided with his parents.
“I told my husband I felt this way after his mom yelled at me last night, and he told me his mom isn’t here to help me the way my mom was because she’s not my mom.”
“She’s there to meet her grandson, and he wanted to spend the next few days introducing his child to his parents, not just making me snacks and then sitting around watching TV with his parents waiting for me to finish breastfeeding so they can see the baby.”
“He told me he’s been looking forward to his parents meeting the baby since the birth, and it’s been disappointing that it’s going this way.”
“I told him I feel like I don’t know how to please anyone because I can’t just not feed my son, I don’t want to be miserable and hungry and thirsty when I’m breastfeeding.”
“I really don’t think making me a snack plate and filling up my water bottle takes that long and is taking away that much time that my in-laws could be spending with my husband, and he’s the only person I can ask to do it because my mom left, so now he needs to help me.”
The OP didn’t want to share her home with them anymore.
“I exploded at him and told him they can all just leave and get a hotel room, and my mom can come back to help me because at least she does things to help me and doesn’t shame me for trying to breastfeed.”
“He told me he couldn’t believe I would say that.”
“He pointed out that I knew his parents didn’t like hotels, but they would go stay in one then, and they all went and got rooms at the Holiday Inn in our town, and I spent the night alone with the baby for the first time and got no sleep.”
“I called my mom crying, and she’s on her way back to help me now, but now I feel like I might have made a huge mistake by telling them all to leave, but I felt like I was going to scream, and I just wanted my mom to come back.”
“He has not texted or called me to check on the baby or me at all since they all left last night.”
“Was I wrong for telling them to go to a hotel?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out just how hard clusterfeeding could be and challenged the family to be more supportive and understanding of the OP while getting through this.
“Cluster feeding happens; it relates to growth milestones. It is TOUGH.”
“I remember when my son did it. He ate for 45 minutes, and then, less than half an hour later, he was crying and rooting again. I burst into tears, saying he CAN’T BE hungry again.”
“Fortunately, my sister-in-law was visiting that day and was an experienced peds nurse and told me about cluster feeding and that after three or four days, it would be better.”
“Your baby is not a doll, and your husband and in-laws are ignorant, selfish jerks.” – Relative_Fortune_156
“I remember this well. I called them screaming and eating days because that is all my daughter would do all day.”
“My husband, bless him, would set me up in the morning with the laptop, a DVD box set, water, and lots of snacks. Sometimes he even came home at lunchtime with sandwiches for me, and once he got back from wor,k he would feed me, wash nappies, and give me what breaks he could.”
“OP’s husband is a useless pr**k, and I see where he got it from.” – PickletonMuffin
“I had twins, and I’ll just say that I only have vague intermittent memories from the first two or three months. My husband was a huge help because we breastfed, too, so he couldn’t do feeding, but he did everything else when he could, and so did my sister-in-law.”
“OP’s husband is not a real partner; he and his family are baggage.” – kimdeal0
“OP did what I WISH I had the balls to do when I was postpartum and getting no support, having to walk up two flights of stairs with fresh stitches to feed my baby because my in-laws wanted to sit around useless and judgey on my couch.”
“I’m proud of you, OP. This is a very hard and important time for you and your baby. It’s really not about anyone else right now, and they’re insane for suggesting it is.” – Grouchy_Leopard6036
“Cluster feeding is a nightmare. I have an 11-week-old, and I exclusively pump. I tried to nurse a couple of weeks ago, and he went straight to cluster feeding, complete with screaming. It was almost traumatizing, and we went back to bottle feeding less than 12 hours later.”
“OP, if I were you, I’d be asking your mom to pack what you absolutely cannot part with, and to help get you out of that house while they’re at the Holiday Inn. Then they can cozy back up with their precious son.” – Free_Corgi8269
Others were disgusted that the husband was siding with his parents over the mother of his child.
“Unbelievable, the in-laws don’t want to help either. Daughter-in-law is just that… a daughter.” – downtofinance
“Not only are they not helping, but they are also actively creating a hostile environment for the mother, stressing her out, and even yelling at her.”
“And about that, if my mother yelled for whatever reason at my wife, I will show her the door, regardless of whether it is day or night.”
“Feckless husband, entitled MIL; as the saying goes, OP has a husband problem, not a in-law one.” – JaNoTengoNiNombre
“Doesn’t stress also affect milk supply? Affecting milk supply for a baby only wanting a 20 to 30 minute break sounds like a bad idea to me.”
“I’m betting it is actually the husband’s and the in-laws’ plan. If the baby is bottle-fed, they can hold it all they want, or so they think.” – sparklyvenus
“My mom and dad were like the OP’s in-laws. They were taught that formula was modern and clean, so they really couldn’t understand breastfeeding.”
“My parents were no help whatsoever and expected drinks and meals on demand. They watched loud, very inappropriate television all day with no regard for what I wanted, five days after delivering a giant baby WITH complications.”
“All in a very compact house. They wanted the baby to behave like a nine-month-old who interacted with them. New babies are a lump and don’t do much at all. They were mad that they were bored.”
“All my friends’ parents who visited their grandchildren sounded like OP’s mom. Knowing my parents would be no help, I did that for my sister.”
“I’m glad op had her mom to help. Too bad her husband can’t stand up for her. NTA.” – procrastinatorsupreme
“Why aren’t they letting the baby feed? I had a h**l of a time with my second; she fed every 45 minutes for weeks.”
“My MIL brought me biscuits and snacks. I can understand some men just not getting it, but how could MIL be so ignorant?”
“When my husband pushed me to switch to a bottle, his mother took my side. Because she’d been through it herself. How could they all be so selfish?”
“OP, concentrate on your baby and your mum for a while. Forget about the in-laws.” – GorgeousGracious
The subreddit was furious on the OP’s behalf, but glad that she spoke up for herself and got her husband and in-laws out into a hotel where they could keep their comments to themselves.
If this was how they were going to treat the OP and her newborn baby now, there was no telling how much worse it could get in the future.