"Kids will be kids".
A fairly common turn of phrase that might be too liberally used.
Of course, children should by all means enjoy their childhood, and not be too beholden to responsibilities and commitments they will one day have to endure in adulthood.
That being said, being a child is not an excuse to misbehave, nor should it excuse children from all consequences for their actions.
The best friend (BFF) of Redditor Ok_Worldliness3239 only decided to invite children to her wedding thanks to the urging of the original poster (OP).
When her big day finally arrived, the OP's BFF eventually came to regret her decision, all owing to the behavior of the OP's son.
Resulting in the OP getting very publicly kicked out of her best friend's wedding.
While the bride's sisters tried to convince the OP to apologize, the OP adamantly felt that she was owed and apology, an wasn't obligated to give one.
Wondering if she was wrong about this, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not apologizing to my friend after she screamed at me and my kid at her wedding?"
The OP explained why she found herself kicked out of her BFF's wedding, and why she was loathe to apologize:
"Two weeks ago, I (29 F[emale]), Hubby (31 M[ale]), and Son (4 M) attended my BFF's (28 F) wedding."
"It was a beautiful ceremony, and everything was going great, until BFF and her husband cut the cake."
"Important context, BFF did speak to me during her wedding planning about being unsure on whether or not to allow kids at her wedding."
"Her 2 sisters both have kids around son's age, and she sees him as her nephew, too."
"But, she wanted to be able to let loose and enjoy her wedding without worrying about any kids messing things up."
"I gave her my opinion, saying hubby and I allowed kids at our wedding and wouldn't have it any other way."
"The kids were still family and deserved to be included."
"After that, and speaking with her sisters, she and her husband OKed kids for the wedding."
"Now, the ceremony went swimmingly."
"BFF's nieces sat with me, hubby, and son, as her sisters were in the bridal party."
"I brought quiet activities to keep them entertained, and everybody behaved."
"I even cried from how lovely it was."
"When we got to the reception, nieces were returned to their parents, so it was now just me, Hubby, and Son."
"Dinner went fine, and then the couple took to the dance floor for their first dance."
"Afterwards, everybody was welcomed to the floor to dance for a bit before cake cutting."
"At this point, the kids were running around and playing with each other, and it was a fairly secure space, and I knew almost everybody there, so I felt comfortable with Son playing with the other kids while Hubby and I had fun dancing."
"Important to mention now, Hubby offered to DD so I could enjoy myself, so I had had a couple glasses of wine at this point."
"BFF had also been drinking and celebrating."
"BFF and her husband go to do cake cutting, and hubby and I are a little slow getting there, so there was a crowd blocking our view."
"Suddenly, I hear BFF SCREAM Son's name."
"Hubby and I push forward to see what's wrong."
"I see my son with frosting around his mouth and on his fingers."
"The cake had a small chunk taken out of it."
"I try to apologize, but BFF turns around and yells, 'This is YOUR FAULT'."
"'Your son RUINED my cake'."
"'He's only here because YOU told me it would be worth it to include the kids!'"
"I yelled back, telling her that it was just an accident and the rest of the cake was still edible."
"That this was her nephew she was screaming about."
"She told me I was no friend of hers and he wasn't her nephew in front of everyone."
"She told me to leave, or she'd call security."
"Son and I were crying at that point, and the 3 of us left."
"One of the bride's sisters reached out to me after and apologized for her sister's reaction but said I needed to apologize."
"I think I'm sorries are out the window now after her outburst."
"I told her sister so and said I expect an apology first before I'd say anything to her."
"Not only did she blow up at me in front of everyone, but at my son."
"I'm humiliated but even more angry on his behalf."
"So, AITA if I refuse to apologize first?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who all but unanimously agreed that the OP was, indeed, the a**hole for refusing to apologize to her friend.
While some felt that the reaction of the OP's BFF was somewhat out of line, just about everyone else agreed that the OP should have kept a closer eye on her son and shouldn't have risen to her BFF's level at her wedding. She was the main reason any children were there, making it clear she should be the first one to apologize.
"YTA."
"The convo about kids earlier?"
"She wanted her nieces there all along-she was trying to tell you that she was worried your kid wouldn't be supervised and would cause problems."
"You didn't get it then because you are that parent that ruins it for everyone else."
"Then when your kid shoved his filthy hands in the cake (which was not edible afterwards, gross), her frustration boiled over because she had tried to warn you and thought she'd gotten your assurance."
"And you think you need an apology?"
"Obviously people need to be really direct with you."
"YTA."
"You didn't watch your kid."
"You should apologize and beg for forgiveness, and pay for the cake."- ScarletSolicitor-
"YTA."
"She allowed kids based on your assurance that having kids at the wedding would be okay."
"It's most especially egregious when the one person who said kids deserved to be included to be the one whose kid f*cked over her wedding celebration."
"It is a big deal."
"It is a once-in-a-lifetime event."
"Hopefully, she is not getting a second wedding."
"You're an a**hole for not watching your kids after blabbering about how they should have kids at the wedding."
"And doubly so for not apologizing."- zzWoWzz
"YTA."
"Watch."
"Your."
"Kids."
"She didn't want kids at her wedding, but you convinced her it would be ok."
"Then let your kid take a chunk out of her wedding cake."
"You do owe her an apology."
"Maybe next time, let people have events the way they want them."- GuinevereMorgann
"YTA."
"Your son taking a big bite out of the wedding cake wasn't an accident."
"He did it because he wanted some cake and didn't want to wait."
"He's 4, but you could have told him not to touch the cake."
"This would have been avoided if you'd been supervising him properly."
"You do need to apologize to your friend for being neglectful to the point where your son ruined the wedding cake."
"Parents like you who let their kids run rampant then don't take real responsibility are the reason so many people don't want kids at events like this."- AllAFantasy30
"YTA."
"You need to feel humiliated and angry that your son did this and apologize profusely."
"If your kid can't control himself then he needs to either stay home or you need to be near him, fully present and sober, all night."
"And I hate to break it to you but the majority of people at that wedding are judging you for your parenting and your reaction to your son's behavior."
"I doubt your kid will be allowed near any of their weddings."
"OP claims that she felt comfortable dancing while all the kids were playing because she knew everyone there."
"As a person with a big family, let me read between the lines."
"OP left her kid unattended and expected others around her to keep an eye on her kid."
"This is, by far, my biggest pet peeve with family events."
"So many people with kids will show up and just act like they aren't parents."
"They seem to think the rest of us showed up to help babysit and that their kid's welfare is a group issue and others are expected to help watch the kid, keep them out of trouble, feed them, take the to the restroom."
"These people kill me!"
"OP, you really took advantage, and your outrage doesn't reflect well on you."- saintandvillian
"YTA."
"To a raging degree, and surely you know that."
"Not because you advocated having kids at the wedding but because you weren't even vaguely aware of what your son was doing."
"Your son did ruin their cake."
"How you responded made you double TA, and then refusing to apologize made you triple TA."
"I'm so sorry your son has a parent as irresponsible and such a bad role model as you."-hubertburnette
No one likes to be yelled at, that's for sure.
That being said, no bride is in complete control of their emotions on their wedding day, hence why the OP's BFF had the reaction she did upon discovering her wedding cake had been "sampled".
The OP had a bit less justification for yelling back at her, especially when it was her son who did the "sampling".
Especially since the OP doesn't really seem to think her son did anything wrong.
If the OP is content with never speaking with her BFF again, then she needn't muster up the courage to apologize.
But she shouldn't expect much, if any, support for this decision.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp