One of the most important early decisions that new parents will make is the name that they will give to their child.
Not only do these names hold significance to that young person’s identity, but it can also more strongly tie them to their family and other loved ones.
But sometimes, baby names can lead to a fair amount of drama, too, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Good-Still-6474 had chosen the name, “Annabelle,” which was the name of her husband’s grandmother, who had raised him when his own mother could not.
But when the new parents found out the negative significance of the same name in the Original Poster’s (OP) family, they found themselves caught in the middle of something terrible.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to change my baby’s name after I accidentally named her after my dad’s affair partner?”
The OP and her husband chose a name for their daughter that was important to her husband.
“I (26 Female) just gave birth to my daughter, Annabelle.”
“I didn’t announce it beforehand, because in the past, one of my family members stole a baby name and it created a lot of drama. My mom wanted to know, but I was adamant about keeping it a secret.”
“My mom and dad were in the room when I gave birth, and when it was time for me to sign the birth certificate, my mom asked for the name. I told her my daughter’s name was Annabelle.”
But the OP’s family had a reaction the OP never could have expected.
“My mother’s face went pale, and my dad didn’t look too happy, but he said he loved the name.”
“My mom left a few minutes later, claiming she didn’t feel well. She said she would come over in a few days to help with the baby.”
“Now I’m at home with the baby, and my mom hasn’t talked to me that much. We used to talk every day so I was confused by this sudden behavior.”
Then the truth came out.
“My sister, Emily, still lives with our mom, so I called her over to talk.”
“When she got to my house, she explained how she overheard our dad and mom arguing because about ten years ago, our dad had an affair with a coworker named Annabelle”
“Mom hasn’t been talking to him, and he’s been trying to get her to talk.”
“I guess Dad realized that Emily had come over and decided to come over himself.”
“He asked if there was any way that I could change Annabelle’s name.”
“I asked him why to see if he would tell me the truth. And he did, he admitted to the affair. He begged mom not to leave him and she stayed, but just hearing that name had always put her in a bad headspace.”
The OP’s father became angry with her for not concealing the reminder of the affair.
“I told him I couldn’t and that Annabelle was the name of my husband’s grandmother who helped raise him.”
“My dad begged and pleaded for me to change it, saying my mom was in the middle of packing her bags and heading to her sister’s house.”
“I told him I wouldn’t change her name and that it meant so much to me and my husband.”
“He began to raise his voice, and immediately my sister yelled back and told him to get the h**l out.”
“She told him not to stress me out about a mess he created. He left immediately.”
“I’m not changing my baby’s name, but I feel like this is tearing the family apart. What should I do?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned about how the daughter might be criticized by association.
“NTA. But your daughter is going to deal with most of this backlash so brace yourselves for it.” – Sleepypeepeepoop
“Unless OP’s mom truly gets over this, she will put a lot of hate into OP’s daughter.” – HandoAlegra
“Your dad is the AH. But the question you have to ask yourself is whether you want your mom to feel pained every time she hears her granddaughter’s name.”
“If the answer is no, I would consider making it her middle name, but that’s entirely up to you! It’s just a bad situation all around.” – PJpittie
“NTA. You didn’t know. If you had known, you would be partly.”
“But understand that this will likely permanently affect your relationship with your mother (and father) and whatever relationship she would have had with your daughter. She may not be able to bear being around her or hearing and saying her name.” – MyRedditUserName428
“I think it’s a lot more likely she just won’t be involved very much with OP or her daughter. At least not like she would have been had the name been something else.”
“She’s already pulling away and obviously doesn’t want to hurt her daughter as she’s not directing any anger or animosity at her, she’s just withdrawn herself to try and process something she never thought she would have to.” – EdenEvelyn
Others advised how the OP could preserve her relationship with her mother.
“Call your mom.”
“Tell her you’re so sorry and had zero idea about any of this.”
“Tell her if she wants, she can call your daughter by first and middle name. That might give some separation. Or make a nickname.”
“Tell your mom everything you know about Grandma Annabelle. She liked to knit. She had an infectious laugh. Her eyes were blue. She did ballet. She cared for your husband when his mother couldn’t.”
“She needs mental separation from her husband’s fling.”
“As far as the affair? Dad needs to figure that out. That is between THEM, and if your baby uncovered feelings, then that’s their problem, not yours. They need therapy or a split.
NTA.” – Armadillo_of_doom
“The mom is having a pretty normal, understandable reaction. The name brings back horrible memories; she can’t talk about the reasons. She doesn’t make a scene, but holds everything in so as not to ruin the moment for her daughter.”
“And now she’s leaving her husband; I’m pretty certain it’s not just because it reactivated the pain of the affair. It’s probably specifically because his affair has now ruined her joy of becoming a grandmother.”
“The best course of action is absolutely for OP to reach out to her and talk.” – Wrong_Hour_1460
“OP is NTA for wanting to keep your daughter’s name, especially since it holds significant meaning for you and your husband. The fact that your dad’s affair partner had the same name is his issue, not yours, and it’s unfair for him to place that burden on you.”
“While it’s unfortunate that this is causing tension in your family, it’s not your responsibility to fix a situation caused by your dad’s past actions. You’re honoring someone important in your husband’s life, and it’s understandable that you want to keep that.”
“Stay firm, but try to approach your mom with empathy while reinforcing that the name choice wasn’t meant to hurt her.” – comfortablynumb15
“I don’t know, I think in this case it would be fair to offer to allow the mom to choose a cute nickname for the baby that she can call her.”
“And Mom kind of needs some therapy, too. It’s not really fair to take this out on your daughter and her brand new grandbaby, and to deny spending time with them because of a choice you made ten years ago is insane.” – badjokes4days
“OP’s mother politely excused herself and hasn’t caused a fuss or tried to get the OP to change the name. It unearthed some stuff that made her pack her bags, and looking at the age of the OP and her having a sister living at home with the parents, it’s easy to think OP’s mother thought it was best to stay in the marriage when she had two teenage girls to take care of.”
“OP’s mother doesn’t have to stay anymore now they’re grown (I know I’m assuming a lot here), so she’s FINALLY able to take a break from the cheating husband. Neither kid knew about it, so that was a LOT to hide and bury and play happy families for another decade! The mom is finally reacting!”
“OP’s dad is the AH here, asking to change the baby’s name, like that would make his wife forgive and forget? LOL (laughing out loud). Changing her name now would only add more attention to the name and therefore situation for now/ the immediate future.”
“But I love the idea of OP and the husband telling OP’s mom all about the ACTUAL WOMAN her granddaughter was named after, all the beautiful things to associate with the influence. That’s such a gentle way of claiming the name.” – Legal_Drag_9836
The OP later shared an update, hinting that things with her mother were going to be okay.
“So my sister went over to my aunt’s house to talk to my mom about what happened. My mom then came to my house to talk. She broke down, saying how sorry she was for being distant and that it was wrong not to communicate with us about what was happening.”
“She said while the name did shock her at first, she knew how much Annabelle meant to my husband and that she’ll never do anything to discredit the work she put into raising him.”
“I asked why she didn’t tell us about the affair. She said because she knew that she was mentally too weak to leave and the last thing she wanted was to show us it’s okay to stay with a man who cheated on you.”
“I asked if she planned on leaving my dad, and she said she didn’t know. She admitted that she never got over the affair and is mad at herself for ruining the moment her granddaughter was born.”
“I asked her if there was a nickname that she wanted to call her by, and she said no and that she wanted to honor the memory of Annabelle’s great-grandmother.”
“We hugged it out and talked. So I think everything is okay.”
Fellow Redditors applauded the OP’s mother’s response.
“I think your mom was hurt by your dad and it’s just a reminder. But your mom totally is awesome to acknowledge that she handled the name reveal poorly and how important your husband’s grandmother was.”
“Your mom just sounds super sweet so I hope you guys are good now. I’d hate for this affair to hurt her relationship with you or your daughter.” – youmustb3jokn
“Mom feels like the textbook way to handle a f**k-up.”
“Being genuinely, honestly sorry. Asking for forgiveness, not demanding it. Having a thorough understanding of what they did wrong. No excuses, but reasons for.their reaction with full ownership of what she did wrong and how it affected things.”
“I dunno. That’s how you right a wrong, dawg.” – armchairwarrior42069
“Could you imagine the pain this poor Mama was going through? She probably anticipated the birth of her grandchild for so long, and if it was her first, perhaps years. Then to have the event tainted by the bestowing of a name that is intensely tied to her sorrow, what a dichotomy.”
“Talk about rising to the occasion with her ability to be the bigger person and accept all the circumstances. She says she was not mentally strong enough to leave, sounds like she was mentally strong enough to stay, and bestow grace upon the people in her family. ” – ThePlacesILoved
“I’m surprised she called herself weak! It takes a very emotionally strong person to open up like she did to her daughter and say the things she did.”
“Also, I fully recommend leaving a cheater, but to stay with one and deal with the fallout every day for years isn’t something I would classify as weak, either.”
“Again, she should have left early on, but I think her mom needs to give herself more grace when it comes to the obstacles she has had to endure and overcome. Woman deserves a medal if you ask me.” – failedopportunities
“It sounds like OP had a really heartfelt conversation with her mom, and it’s great that you were able to understand her perspective. It’s understandable that she initially reacted strongly to the name, but it’s also important that she recognizes how meaningful it is to your husband. It seems like you both made progress in healing your relationship, and that’s what matters most.” – makeupbyazzie
While the subReddit could understand why it was so important for the OP and her husband to keep the name they had chosen, they could also understand why it was such a shock to the OP’s mother and what she had believed was best for her daughters.
It was lovely to see that she was going to work through this with the OP and have the relationship she, the OP, and her granddaughter all deserved, rather than what her probably-future-ex-husband could have caused.