Making friends isn't always easy.
For some, that part of life has gotten even more difficult post-pandemic.
So it's exciting for parents when they think their child has bonded with another.
But no parent can force a friendship.
Redditor AwareBalance8868 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling a parent that their kid is weird when she pushed as to why my kid didn't want to be her friend?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My family and I have moved states."
"It has been a hard move, especially for my oldest daughter, Katty."
"She is in 6th grade."
"The area school district has a Facebook account that parents are a part of."
"I introduced myself on there a while ago."
"We put Katty on the cross-country team, and she has been making friends over the summer."
"I got a message from a parent last week, asking to meet up and let the kids meet."
"They would be in the same grade, and I thought it would be a good opportunity."
"We went yesterday to the local pool."
"I met Melanie and she wouldn't make eye contact, was very soft-spoken, and overall didn't seem to be paying attention."
"The kids were playing while I talked to the mom."
"She has always been in the area and was excited her kid was getting a friend."
"Katty came up to me asking to leave since she wasn't feeling well."
"We left early and in the car, she admitted to just wanting to get away from Melanie."
"She explained that Melanie freaked her out."
"She was very touchy, kept pushing her in the water, was whispering (saying things under her breath), would stare at people and make comments (comparing people to bugs? I am still confused on what that means)."
"Katty told me she was uncomfortable and didn't want to hang out with her again."
"The parent messaged me and asked when they could do it again."
"I told her the girls didn't mesh well and that we will have to decline."
"She then called me asking what I meant."
"I told her that Katty wasn't interested in hanging out since they don't mesh together."
"I was trying to be polite about it."
"This went on for a while and she told me that the kids just needed to be around each other more."
"I told her no to that."
"It went on for a while."
"Then she asked to talk to my husband which is when I snapped."
"I told her no and that I was trying to be polite, but your kid is weird."
"Melanie makes my kid uncomfortable, and I don't know what the hell is up with her, but we will not have another play date."
"She went on Facebook, and now it's going around about how the new family are jerks."
"It seems to not be going anywhere, but I am wondering if I was a d**k."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"She asked to speak to your husband?"
"As in, she thought that was the social equivalent of asking for the manager?"
"'Let me speak to the person in charge of you,' basically?"
"Nope. Absolutely not. NTA."
"My guess would be that there's a reason why her daughter evidently doesn't have any friends and at least some of it originates with the mother." ~ FloatingPencil
"The mom doesn't respect boundaries, so it's not surprising that her daughter doesn't either."
"But all the same, part of me wonders what the Hell is going on in her life to make her behave that way."
"Not to armchair diagnose someone third-hand over the internet, (...here comes the but...) but it doesn't sound like typical spectrum/A[ttention]-D[eficit/H[yperactivity] D[isorder] kind of behavior."
"Autism and ADHD run in both my family and my friend group, so when I hear someone called 'weird' this is what I initially suspect... but I have never met a person with autism who was physically touchy, or who stared at others like that."
"This kind of inappropriate creepy boundary-crossing behavior seems more like a trauma-induced response."
"Comparing people to insects?"
"Way too touchy?"
"Repeatedly dunking her underwater?"
"Constantly whispering?"
"There may indeed be an innocent enough reason, but all this stuff sends up red flags for me."
"I would legit be worried for this girl." ~ Eclectix
"Given the mom's smear campaign isn't going anywhere, I have a hunch the rest of the school parents know the kid's mom is a big part of the problem." ~ Professional_Ruin953
"Honestly, the kid's mom is the bigger issue here and is probably the biggest reason this kid is lacking good social skills."
"While I would not force my kid to have one on one's with someone who made them feel uncomfortable, I would still talk about being kind and inclusive when appropriate (class and group parties and situations)."
"But having an invasive, pushy parent like that on top of everything would probably make me run to the hills." ~ No_Hat_1864
"NTA. You tried to let her down lightly, and she pushed it further."
"My suggestion would be to explain exactly what you did in this post about Melanie's specific behavior and not just call her weird."
"Having specifics might help her mom understand why she made Katty uncomfortable."
"Or she'll make excuses for it, but at least you tried."
"I have a feeling others have been through this before, and that's probably why the post isn't doing as much damage as it would have otherwise." ~ Nobody_asked_me1990
"NTA... you respected your daughter's wishes and defended her."
"A child should not be forced to play with someone she doesn't like."
"You tried being polite, but the mom wouldn't let it go and tried going over your head by wanting to talk with your husband."
"And now she is bashing you on Facebook."
"I would block her. Life's too short to deal with that." ~ sinaice98
"NTA. It's bad when a person doesn't understand the word 'no.'"
"Your daughter's feelings are more important."
"And her safety."
"If she says that this girl scared her." ~ Janine_18
"There's a reason she pounced on you as the new person, trying to have the kids meet before school started."
"Honestly, I would have seen that as a red flag, but then her excitement over her kid getting a friend when they've been there?"
"Her kid doesn't have friends for a reason." ~ Interesting-Sky6313
"Yeah especially since the lady's smear campaign against the family did not work."
"My guess is the rest of the group knows the deal."
"I have had to have some truthful conversations with my kids and how they might be perceived."
"For example when one of my sons gets excited he will talk about the subject for hours and not let anyone get a word in."
"He started throwing around 'actually' anytime someone said anything!"
"Talked and practiced conversation flow with him."
"Can't just tell kids struggling to make friends they are perfect and it's the other kids that are the problem, sometimes it is them."
"NTA... she pushed you." ~ LaPakawaka
"Yes, I agree. Absolutely NTA."
"I do feel for that kid because if she does have any official neurodivergence or mental health issues, the mother needs to be helping her cope with those instead of pushing others' boundaries."
"Why would you want your kid, especially one with some social issues, to be forced to hang around kids who don't want to hang around with her? Poor child."
"She'll eventually find her people if the mom lets her."
"OP can have compassion for the child and still hold her ground."
"Also, I would never force my kid to hang around someone that made them uncomfortable."
"I am glad this mother is listening to her kid."
"Then the 'husband' comment."
"Oof. I would have become unhinged on her."
"I never had playdates as a kid."
"We just met our own friends."
"My parents and grandparents would encourage us to be kind to other kids and include them, but we didn't have to constantly hang out with them or become best friends." ~ RamenQueen65
"You defended your daughter."
"You are a good mom."
"She pushed after you tried to be polite and let her down gently. NTA." ~ whowasthatreally
"NTA. It should've ended when you told her they didn't mesh well."
"Friendship can't be forced."
"They don't need to spend more time together."
"I wouldn't worry about her posting you're jerks; everyone knows what she's like."
"If her kud hasn't made friends by 6th grade she isn't going to."
"I was particularly confused about her wanting to speak to your husband like he's a higher authority and can overrule you to force Katty to spend time with Melanie?"
"I was raised in an Era when kids invited other kids over themselves; ask if a friend can come over after school, and a friend asks parents, it happens so was flummoxed by parents of 6th graders taking them places and sitting there when we were dropped off by one kid's parents and picked up by the others." ~ Clean_Factor9673
"NTA. You were polite but this other parent was not."
"Who hell asks to talk to your husband if they don't like your answer like he's the manager above you in the family?!"
"She didn't respect your no several times."
"Not only is the child a problem, but the parents are a problem, you made the right choice deciding you don't need them in your family's lives." ~ earthenlily
"NTA. The mom targeted a new family knowing you won't know enough of their background/behavior to decline."
"Hopefully, the other parents in the group are aware of her shenanigans and know you are being scapegoated."
"Your daughter's consent and comfort matter." ~ cassowary32
"NTA. Sounds like maybe her kid is already an outcast, and she was trying to glom on to the new kid."
"You can't force an 11-year-old to be friends with another kid they don't like."
"Being kind to and being friends with are 2 different things." ~ ncslazar7
Well, OP, you were protesting your daughter's best interests.
Not every friendship is meant to be.
This lady wanted the truth, and she got it.
Good luck with the new neighborhood.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp