Content Warning: Affair, Affair Babies, Car Accident, Foster Care
While not everyone would call it an immediate deal breaker, we can all agree that discovering that our partner was cheating on us would be incredibly hurtful.
But finding out that they’ve also started a family with their affair partner would be even worse, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ScaredyCat1122 had recently discovered that her husband was part of a three-year-long affair, because his affair partner came forward, announcing she was pregnant.
While they were in the process of getting divorced, her soon-to-be ex-husband and his new partner died in a car accident, leaving the twins without parents.
When she was pressured by her former parents-in-law, the affair partner’s parents, and even her own mother to take the twins in, despite having two children of her own, the Original Poster (OP) was shocked.
She asked the sub:
“WIBTAH (Would I be the a**hole) if I refused to raise my husband’s twin affair children now that he and the woman he cheated with passed away?”
The OP recently made a terrible discovery about her husband.
“My (45 Female) husband (49 Male) of 23 years had an affair with a twenty-year-old woman in 2020 and continued the affair for the next three years.”
“I found out this year when his affair partner gave birth to twin boys in March.”
“Obviously, we initiated a divorce. We’ve been hashing things out since, because it’s been a lengthy process due to some properties in common. We also needed to get an accountant since he used the shared account for his affair.”
“Finally, things seemed to be getting close to the end when both my husband and the woman he cheated with were killed in a car crash.”
The OP was shocked by what happened next.
“By some miracle, the twin babies were not harmed in the crash. Now they are orphaned, and neither set of grandparents can take them in permanently. My husband’s parents are both in assisted living, he has no siblings, and his only aunt (the babies’ great-aunt, 60 Female) that could take them refuses. She’s been child free her whole life.”
“On the woman’s side, I’m not sure of the details in full, but her parents are also not able to be involved long-term, and the one sister she has lives overseas.”
“Since we were still married and he had not updated his will, all his assets were set to pass to me and our two children. I’m not callous enough to leave those babies with nothing, so I agreed to let whoever their legal guardian will be to have the remaining balance in the shared account, which is about twenty-five thousand in savings.”
“The issue is no one wants to take them in. Now my in-laws are pressuring me to take them in and raise them.”
“The issue is, I don’t want to. At all. I wouldn’t love them, and I don’t want to be the evil stepmother. But I know a big part of me will always have a level of resentment towards them. I will probably favor my own children.”
The OP knew she couldn’t responsibly raise the twins after how her husband treated her.
“It’s not their fault, but I truly loved my husband, and I thought we were happy before I found out about the affair. We have two daughters (14 and 16).”
“Obviously, we had disagreements but never insulted each other before. Then I found out about the affair, and he began calling me names and blaming me for his cheating. He became abusive and even tried to kick me out of the house (my childhood home that is not shared property, for the record).”
“I’m also raising teenagers alone now. I don’t have the energy to raise babies anymore.”
“My daughters also hate their baby brothers. I tried to get them to spend time with their dad as we were divorcing, but they refused. Since this all was found out because of the babies, there wasn’t really a way to sugarcoat the situation. And they are also too old to really get away with not telling them about it.”
The OP felt pressured to make a decision.
“Most of my friends agree it’s not my place to care for those children, but my in-laws, the affair woman’s parents, and my mother want me to raise them.”
“I know my mom is just having grandkids’ fever, but it hurts to not have her support.”
“I have to make a decision by next week or the boys will be going into foster care. At the moment, they are temporarily placed with their maternal grandparents.”
“I feel horrible, but I am very sure I can’t take them in.”
“WIBTAH if I refused to take them in?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that it was not her responsibility to adopt the twins.
“You’re NTA, but your mother sure is. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.”
“Do what is best for you and your children. Unfortunately, this is a consequence of your ex’s actions. The AP’s parents need to make it work. Whatever issues they are having because they can’t do it long term is not your problem, they can send the kids overseas if their aunt is willing to take them in.”
“For your ex-in-laws to want you to take them and for the affair partner’s parents to want you to take them (a person that isn’t even related) is crazy.”
“Who cares what these people think? Your ex would have made your life a living h**l based on what you posted. And his parents probably knew what he was doing and didn’t care what that did to you and your children.” – ravenlyran
“The two boys are not related to you, you have no responsibility to raise them. Your in-laws, AP’s parents, and your mother can take the boys in if they are so inclined; otherwise, they do not have an opinion.”
“Your in-laws are crazy if they think you will raise your husband’s affair babies; especially when the divorce was being finalized. Your mother, I have no words, really.”
“Your daughters should be your first priority and they have no bond with and do not like the boys. It is unfortunate but the best option may well be to place the boys in foster care.” – No_Cockroach4248
“Why should you feel horrible? Your late husband had an affair with a woman young enough to be his daughter. Their children are not your responsibility.”
“You are responsible for your two daughters who now only have one parent. Your focus should on them. You don’t have the time and energy for babies who are not even related to you. Your daily diaper-changing days and midnight feedings are behind you.”
“NTA.”
“Anyone who claims that you are, should be given instructions of how to volunteer to adopt them.” – SeaworthinessDue8650
“Why on earth would you raise his affair kids?? I wouldn’t do that even if I was still married to the guy, let alone if I was playing to divorce him.”
“Maybe this is how it needs to be spelled out for everyone demanding she raise the kids. If your roommate died, would everyone be looking at you expecting you to raise their kids? No, they wouldn’t.”
“And if ‘roommates’ isn’t enough to convince them because YoU wERe MaRrieD at oNe POinT… Let’s create a hypothetical: one year after your divorce, your Ex has started over and moved on with another woman. They both die suddenly a year later. Would everyone look at you to raise their kids? Again, no.”
“The idea that because you were married WHILE HE moved on somehow makes you responsible is ridiculous.”
“Are you also expected to chip in for HER funeral costs? I ask because she’s just as much your family as her kids are and you’re expected to chip in for them… NTA.” – Bice_thePrecious
“The babies should be put up for adoption. Period. It would be a matter of weeks as they are babies. The grandparents could ask for an open adoption so they can be in their lives. Any money you give them should be set aside in a trust that they receive when they turn 25.” – she_who_knits
Others agreed and were certain the babies would be adopted right away.
“Former foster parent here:”
“Twin infants whose parents are dead and without family who can take them (ie: no languishing for years in impermanency hoping that guardians can get it together, or worse, being returned home and then removed again over and over and over), who were born to a mom who presumably got prenatal care and didn’t do drugs, who weren’t abused or neglected?”
“There would be a line a mile long of families who would desperately love to adopt these babies, who would love them and see them as the fulfillment of their wildest dreams.”
“Yes, adoption comes with trauma, but this is one of the most ‘ideal’ (if you can ever use that word in cases where children lose their parents) adoptive situations, with the greatest chance of happiness for those children.” – Foraze_Lightbringer
“Wouldn’t it be great if some lovely couple who’ve been waiting and waiting to adopt could be considered to be their parents?”
“It’s very sad if they can’t be with bio family, but that’s how it worked out. They could still be loved and have a great life.”
“OP is not the a**hole.” – OkExternal7904
“Nothing callous about putting the children in a good home. That is what a responsible parent would do in this situation. OP didn’t make the babies. OP has good reason not to be involved with the babies, and OP has no responsibility in this situation to care for the babies.”
“Put them up for adoption, let them go to a good home, and be spoiled by their new parents.”
“I would argue that OP has no responsibility to give them 25k, either. I would put my effort into finding them a good home with good parents, but after that, they become the responsibility of the new family.” – JediFed
“She is doing the responsible thing by making arrangements for the children to be in a loving family. They won’t remember her.”
“It’s also the loving thing. She knows these kids are innocent. She doesn’t hate them. But she doesn’t want to resent having them in her life. She is offering them a chance at a life without being the burden of being the product of an affair.” – Viperbunny
“This is not a reflection on the OP at all, NTA, but I feel so sorry for these babies because it sure seems like no one wants them.”
“And that’s why I’m chiming in. I was adopted (via private adoption) and my adoptive parents never hid that fact from me. From the very beginning, they emphasized that I was very much wanted. They started out by telling me an obviously silly story (and even as a two-year-old I knew it was silly; the way they told me emphasized that it was not factual).”
“They said they very much wanted a baby and so they went to the Baby Store to pick one out. They told me they saw lots of beautiful babies with pretty curly hair. But when they saw me I reached out to them and I grabbed my dad’s hand and smiled. (I was a newborn so smiling, sitting up, and reaching out were certainly beyond me.)”
“And that was it; I was the chosen one. The Baby Store lady asked if they were sure because after all I was bald. ‘No,’ they told her, ‘We’re sure. We want this one.’ And they’d end every retelling of this story reminding me that all the other little boys and girls that I knew were born into their families and their parents had to take them. But I was chosen because they really, really wanted me.”
“I loved my parents very much and never doubted their love for me. Every child deserves that. And there are doting, hopeful parents out there who would love those babies completely. I really hope those babies and the yearning-to-have-children couples find each other and provide a happy ending to this otherwise unhappy story.” – Big-Summer-
After receiving feedback, the OP shared the decision she had made.
“Hey everyone, I appreciate the well wishes for my girls, the boys, and myself. Also for the amount of lovely people offering to see about giving the twins a good home. I might not be their mother, but it does touch me and makes me glad there are good people out there.”
“After thinking carefully and speaking to my lawyer, reading responses, doing research, etc., I plan to speak to the grandparents tomorrow and refuse to take legal guardianship of the boys.”
“I will let them know of the usernames of people who offered meetings for private adoptions or fostering, but my daughters are my priority. It’ll be up to the twins’ grandparents to decide if they’ll proceed with adoption, keep them, or turn them to the state.”
“I wish I had the mental capacity to be the person to do this, but I have two girls who are going through a lot and they need my full attention.”
“I’ll also be talking to the lawyers to figure out if the boys have any inheritance claim properly. If they do, I’ll separate it and leave it to the lawyers to do what they need to do for them to have access when it’s best. If they don’t, I’ll find a way to ensure they have access to the 25k, I was going to give them since the beginning.”
“I won’t do more, however. My moral compass might be biased, but I don’t believe I’m obligated either morally or legally to do more than what the word of law says. I can’t help everyone, and I shouldn’t have to.”
“I have two girls who lost their father, two girls who need therapy, and two girls who are just about to get to college. They’ve gone through enough without seeing their mother favor the children of their father’s mistress.”
In a second update, the OP shared the conversation she had with the twins’ grandparents.
“Hey everyone, as I said two nights ago, I went yesterday to speak to the twin’s grandparents. I explained my position and refused to take guardianship of the boys.”
“My mother-in-law almost slapped me when I said that, but thankfully, this was all done in a public place, and my father-in-law stopped her. The maternal grandparents kept pleading for me to raise them since they didn’t want to lose them.”
“I kept saying no, and when they called me selfish, I lost it.”
“I told them to their face the only selfish people in this mess were them, their son, and their sort-of daughter. Their son, my husband, for cheating and then making the divorce h**l on me and my girls. Their daughter because she was a wh**e (I used another word) who went after a married man twice her age.”
“I told them if I heard from them again, I would request a cease-and-desist.”
“I also informed my parents-in-law that they won’t have access to my daughters for the foreseeable future. I’ll explain why in a bit.”
“We were at a restaurant, but I didn’t stay for the meal. I also sent an email to my lawyer so he can ensure CPS and any agency involved in the welfare of the twins is aware I’m not going to be their guardian or be involved.”
“Then I sent an email to my in-laws with all the usernames and websites from people here on Reddit who have offered to do interviews for the twins’ adoption. I won’t be involved beyond this point, so please as lovely as it is, I can’t help you if you are interested in the boys. Yesterday was the end of my involvement.”
In the second update, the OP shared how the situation had impacted her daughters.
“As for why my in-laws won’t see my girls, I spoke to my daughters and decided to find out more about their thoughts before I went to meet the grandparents.”
“My youngest refused to speak to me, which I found very out of place for her. My eldest then asked for just the two of us to speak. That’s when she explained that my in-laws had been going on about how the girls need to get ready to go to public school instead of their private school and to get jobs right out of high school since I will have to provide the twins with private schooling and college money.”
“Apparently, they also were told to start moving their stuff to share a room (even though my girls have separate rooms), since the twins need more space.”
“This was not known to me. Mostly because that would never happen. Apparently, my in-laws have been basically bullying the girls because ‘the babies take priority.'”
“Yeah, that’s not happening.”
“I told the girls that their grandparents have no say in where they go to school, their college funds, or how the rooms are set in our house. I also told them that while I do agree they could use a part-time job during college and maybe a scholarship, their tuition would be paid. I told them not to blame the babies for the stupidity of the adults. They told me they understood but still didn’t want to interact with their brothers for now. That ‘for now’ part gives me hope they’ll get through things.”
“For now, we’re going to make some changes in the house. The girls and I both don’t like there’s still an office space that my husband used. We’re going to make it into a gaming room for all of us. I plan to take down some pictures that have my husband in them and put them in albums for the girls. We just want to make the house more ours.”
“As for people wondering why my girls wanted nothing to do with their father: My daughters were the ones who discovered the affair and told me when my husband took them to meet the twins at the hospital. He had asked them to keep it secret, but my girls told me. After that, my husband began treating them horribly, too. He burnt all bridges with the girls.”
In a third update, the OP redirected inquiries about the twins.
“I spoke to a lawyer on Monday. The boys have no inheritance claim until a DNA test is done.”
“After that, their only claim is against my in-laws. The shared account is not considered my husband’s individual property, so it is mine. Same with the lake house.”
“Since he had a PERSONAL savings account and a life insurance, which went to his parents, that would be the only thing the boys could claim. Obviously, this can be changed if it goes to trial, but the lawyer told me with how little my husband left my girls and me, there’s very little chance a judge will demand our assets.”
“The lawyer also recommended me to completely end the idea of sharing any money with the boys. That could be used against me to claim I’m taking fiscal responsibility for them and should be considered to be their guardian. I’m dividing the money from the shared account for my daughter’s college tuition instead.”
“I’m still unsure if I’ll sell the lake house or not, but neither the girls nor I are attached to it. Now, please leave me alone about the boys’ inheritance. Sad as it is, my husband messed everything up for his children. I’m not responsible for them nor do I have to sacrifice my assets to set them up for a better life.”
In a fourth and probably final update, the OP shared how the twins were doing.
“There’s some good news and some annoying news. The good news is the boys were safely retrieved by CPS from their maternal grandparents and will be placed in foster care until a permanent arrangement is made. I found out when it happened since their grandparents, and my mother, came to scream at me at work.”
“In all honesty, I’m glad this happened at work and not at home. It’s made me consider moving since I don’t want my daughters exposed to any of this.”
“An annoyance I had very soon after was getting a call about my ‘inquiries into fostering and adopting’. Apparently, my information was sent to CPS as someone interested in fostering the twins and eventually adopting them. I immediately explained the situation between the grandparents and me, and the operator was speechless at first. She apologized for the situation and told me she would make sure I wasn’t bothered about the process.”
“I also got served this morning. My in-laws are suing for grandparents’ rights. They are also suing for custody. Apparently, they are planning to leave their assisted living, which they really shouldn’t, to buy a house that allows kids to get the twins back and now also want custody of my daughters.”
“My personal lawyer immediately gave me some instructions I won’t share to safeguard myself and my daughters from some risks during a possible custody battle. My lawyer and I both suspect my in-laws want the girls to parentified them as caretakers for the twins since my in-laws have mobility limitations. It will be a cold day in hell before that happens. I don’t see CPS placing the boys with them to begin with.”
Also, in the fourth update, the OP shared how she and her daughters were doing.
“Not all is bad news. I’m starting therapy next week, and my eldest daughter is once again speaking about the colleges she wants to go to. We still haven’t really talked about their father, and they haven’t agreed to visit his grave. I myself haven’t gone there and I’m trying really hard to get used to not calling him ‘my husband’ anymore.”
“I had nothing to do with the funeral plans aside from paying bills, and from what I heard, his parents had the epitaph, ‘Devouted and beloved husband, father, and son,’ written on it. I find it a joke.”
“I know it’s bad to hold to so much anger and resentment, but as soon as I have time, I plan to change his tombstone to remove ‘husband and father.’ It might sound petty, but I refuse to speak well of a cheater and abuser just because he’s dead. My daughters deserved better, and so did I.”
“I don’t think I’ll post another update until the whole mess with the grandparents’ rights lawsuit is resolved. So to the kind people who have send support to me and my daughters, thank you so much. Maybe I’ll have good news in the future, but for now, I’m going back to my old Reddit account.”
While everyone could agree that the twins were not at fault and were simply involved in a terrible situation, the OP was far from responsible or guilty in this situation.
As many said, the twins would likely be adopted quickly by a loving couple who wanted children, and they would be raised away from the grief of the loss of their parents and the weight of being the product of an affair. If anyone deserved a fresh start, the twins were among the few.