If everyone had complete and utter control of their emotions, one can only imagine that the world would be a much happier place.
Sadly, as we all know, that simply isn't the case.
Even so, this doesn't stop people from trying, and trying every method possible to keep their emotions in check.
Especially when they're in the presence of others.
Redditor was well aware that they were likely going to be brought to tears at an upcoming event.
When the moment finally came, the original poster (OP) came up with what they thought was a solid and discreet solution.
However, when the OP's family learned of their methods, they labeled their actions "disrespectful."
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for muting my hearing aids during my sister's wedding vows because I already knew what she was going to say?"
The OP explained why their family felt they were being disrespectful:
"She practiced her vows with me for weeks on end."
"I was extremely emotional on the day of the wedding but wanted to keep it together, and so, during the ceremony, I discretely shut off my hearing aids."
"Somehow all of my family found out and considered it to be 'disrespectful'."
"I was just trying to not cry, I was still there, still supportive."
"Would I be the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided as to whether or not they thought the OP was the a**hole for turning off her hearing aids during their sister's vows.
Everyone agreed that even if the OP's emotions were bound to get the better of them, a wedding was an appropriate place for that to happen. Turning off their hearing aids was ultimately an unnecessary, if not a downright bad idea.
Others found their behavior to be just plain rude:
"Low key, yeah YTA."
"Weddings are supposed to be emotional."
"I cried seeing my beautiful wife, before saying our vows, and could barely say my vows."
"XD."
"I get you were trying to put on a good face, but if there was any time to be overly emotional, your sister's wedding was the time."- R4eth
"How did they find out?"
"If you couldn't do it in a way that no one knew, then yes, YTA."
"Frankly, I think it would be disrespectful even if they didn't know."
"But know they know and will be thinking of that during any family moment, important occasion, holiday celebration."
"They will be asking of you tuned them out, if you purposely ignored them in the past, if they're important to you now."
"This won't be something you live down and may change the way people view you in the future."
"So was it worth it?"- CSurvivor9
"YTA."
"Clearly you weren't at all discrete."
"Cause someone saw ya."- SigSauerPower320
"Of course YTA if other people can tell you're doing it."
"It's the equivalent of a non-deaf person whispering to everyone, 'By the way, I'm not listening'."-
denkmusic
"YTA."
"specifically because they found out."
"Imagine if during your important moment, your sister turned away and looked literally anywhere else other than you, how would it make you feel."- Invisible_Dragon
"YTA."
"Weddings are emotional, and it was the 'real deal' this time as opposed to the weeks of practice."
"In a way, you missed the actual event."
"Not a big a**hole because it wasn't that ba,d but it qualifies for me."
"Also depends on how your sister feels."- Double_Pirate85
"People saw you do it at a wedding and told other people, though."
"You weren't being discreet."
"Plus, it's your sister's wedding vows."
"Mild YTA."- FrostyIcePrincess
"YTA, what you didn't want to feel anything on the day of your sister's wedding?"
"That's just one of those moments you should be feeling things."
"You should be sharing those emotions with your family, the bride and groom, and honestly just letting it out for yourself."
"Sticking your head in the sand when things get emotional is a good way to emotionally constipate yourself."- HisuianDelphi
"I have family members that use a cochlear implant and another that uses aides."
"I would be very upset if they had turned them off during my ceremony, why bother coming?"
"During the after-ceremony bits though?"
"Hell yeah and I would be jealous I couldn't!!"
"Mild YTA."- Deep_Ad_9889
"It seems a very rude and dismissive gesture, especially during the freaking vows that YOU helped her practice with."
"Gonna say YTA."- WholeAd2742
"Oh, come on, of course, YTA."
"There was an entire ceremony you could have tuned, but you absolutely had to avoid hearing your sister's wedding vows?"
"Which will hopefully be a once-in-a-lifetime moment?"
"And not only that, you were so obvious that everyone knows about it."
"Congratulations."
"You successfully made at least part of your sister's day about you."- OkIntroduction6477
"YTA."
"My god that's incredibly rude."- McCaff01
"YTA."
"That's so unbelievably rude!"- c*ntmagistrate
"YTA."
"You purposefully excluded yourself from the biggest moment of the wedding."- SirSwagAlotTheHung
"YTA."
"Honestly because."
"You can suck it up in this case."
"Why did you tell anyone?"- Individual_Physics29
There were some, however, who felt that the OP did nothing wrong, and that if anyone was at fault, it was the ones who brought attention to her actions:
"As a hearing aid user, NTA."
"But how did people find out?"
"There's no way someone could see your hearing aid was turned off, it not usually something people look for?"- Old_West_4481
"Ok so I'm going to say NTA because I don't think hearing people have the right to judge what you do with your hearing aids."- RepublicNorth5033
"NTA."
"You did what you needed to do to keep your composure and avoid causing any disruption."
"You helped her practice her vows for weeks beforehand."
"Everything went to plan, with your help."
"They're being d*cks, let them be d*cks."- SuperHeavyHydrogen
"NTA."
"As someone who uses hearing aids, unless you know how they work, you cannot give a verdict."
"Education: hearing aids come in all shapes and sizes and functions."
"For the person or persons who saw her touch her aids, she may very well have been turning up or down the volume."
"To automatically assume then tell others she turned them off, is AH."
"As for her saying outright she turned them off, that still doesn't make her an AH."
"I can still hear without my aids on, and having them on can be overwhelming with all that is going on."
"There's so much more to wearing aids than just putting them in and turning them on, which I can't write here because it's too lengthy."
"The truth is, OP, most of the people making a judgment here have perfect hearing and have no idea what we go through or how hearing aids work."
"Unfortunately, by admitting to your family you turned them off, they will probably be upset at you for awhile."
"I hope eventuality they'll get over it."- Marvie50
"I wish I had this superpower."
"I say NTA because I find it really cool that you can turn off your ears."
"How on earth did anybody find out?"
"Did someone try to get your attention, and you weren't responding at that moment?"- CupcakeMurder86
"Nope."
"These people are fussing over nothing."
"You are not obliged to listen to your sister's vows yet again."
"Or ever even."
"They are not being made to you."
"If you don't feel like having an emotional breakdown, that's your choice."
"If you had these same people, you would be moaning about you, trying to get attention."
"This is a molehill, not a mountain."
"And seems to be more about picking on you."
"NTA."- Homologous_Trend
While a few understood why some felt the OP's actions could have been interpreted as disrespectful, but also felt the OP's intentions were anything but:
"NAH."
"I can get why they feel it's disrespectful, but I just don't see it that way."
"If you feel like your reaction would have been distracting during the ceremony or in pictures, doing what you can to not pull attention away from the happy couple is the most important thing you can do."
"In my opinion, this fight seems like more trouble than it's worth."
"Sometimes you're just better off explaining that the slight was unintentional and just apologizing anyway so you can move on."
"Everyone's emotions are high at weddings, so everything seems more significant and impactful that it actually is."- datedpopculturejoke
The OP's intentions were in no way malicious.
However, they also should have predicted that they were not going to be the only one crying at their sister's wedding.
And no matter how many times they may have heard their sister's vows leading up to the big day, they will likely regret not having the memory of hearing her say them on the day of the occasion.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp