Having a long-distance friendship can be a lot of fun.
Back in the day, people had many pen pals all over the world.
Now, pen pals are all connected through the web.
Sometimes, a pen pal can even turn into a best friend.
And then, every so often, once people come face to face… the illusion crumbles.
Redditor NeEdsomeAdViCe566789 to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“WIBTA if I told my guests that it was awful having them stay over?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My fiancé (25 M[ale]) and I (24 F[emale]) from Germany had guests from the US for the last 10 days, let’s call them Tim (27 M) and Tara (24 F).”
“I met Tim online during the pandemic.”
“We bonded over talking about everything that was going on, our different experiences growing up, etc.”
“We also talked about him visiting Germany since he had been wanting to come back.”
“Five years later I am with my fiancé and he has a girlfriend of 3 years, we are still talking regularly.”
“My fiancé and I just moved into a bigger place and decided to ask if they want to come visit.”
“Everyone was stoked, and we helped them book the flights, work out an itinerary for their stay that even included a weekend in Paris, and try to make our apartment as comfortable as possible for their stay.”
“They want to sleep in different beds, which makes everything complicated, but we manage.”
“At this point, I have never talked to Tara and tried to reach out.”
“She misses our first call, but it works out a week before they fly in, and I try to get to know her.”
“We pick them up on Thursday.”
“The airport is an hour from where we live, and it’s 6 am.”
“Everyone is tired.”
“We get to our place, show them around, show them their beds made and ready with towels and some goodies.”
“They don’t thank us.”
“I think it’s because they had a long flight, and let them unpack.”
“We go out grocery shopping and try to get everything they want.”
“There’s a discussion about how awful it is that there are no public bathrooms available everywhere because Tim has to pee 10 minutes after we leave the apartment.”
“It’s awkward, conversation is slow, I think it’s jet lag.”
“We leave for Paris Friday morning.”
“I organized the trip and didn’t get any input from them.”
“Paris is ok, they don’t talk a lot, don’t give their opinion, I’m at a loss.”
“We get back, no thanks.”
“We spent Monday separately and wanted to spend the evening together.”
“They arrive 45 minutes late without telling us.”
“The next day, we drive them an hour to my parents so they can pick up the car that my parents loaned them for a couple of days.”
“They leave, and we get one message a day.”
“Saturday is our engagement party.”
“They don’t bring a gift or card. They don’t even congratulate us.”
“Sunday night Tim and Tara ask us if we’ll be driving them back to the airport, I ask them if it would be ok if they took a bus back.”
“They are ok with it, I have to book it for them.”
“We bring them to the Bus stop Tuesday morning, say goodbye, and still not one thanks or criticism or anything.”
“No thanking is one thing, the other is budget.”
“Tim told me they are on a strict budget, so I tried to keep the costs at a minimum.”
“They proceeded to buy souvenirs like model guns for hundreds of €.”
“I just feel very used.”
“I tried to get their thoughts and opinions every step of the way and they didn’t say anything.”
“Normally, everyone loves the way we host.”
“Personally I’ve always been a fan of open communication but maybe this is normal and can be put under cultural differences, I don’t wanna be rude.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“WIBTA if I said something? Is there something I am not seeing?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You would not be the AH, but what are you trying to gain out of this?”
“You made friends.”
“Found out friends are rude when you meet them in person.”
“Now you just gradually cut contact with them or continue to chat occasionally but never plan a visit in person.”
“Unless these are people you need to interact with for other reasons, there is no point.”
“And personally, I wouldn’t feel it is worth giving feedback about manners like this unless folks are like my kids/siblings/someone younger I am guiding.”
“Of course, if their rudeness was hurtful and they were mean, then stand up to it.”
“But something like this?”
“Cut your losses and move on.” ~ poochonmom
“THIS!!!”
“Saying something now gains nothing.”
“Your friend and his G[irl]F[riend] were boors.”
“Pointing out their behavior to them will be like water off a duck.”
“They’ll have no self-awareness of how awful they are.”
“Ghost them.” ~ MidwestNormal
“Agreed. These people should have brought a nice hosting gift and should have taken them out for dinner at least one or more of the days they were there.”
“They should have also brought a nice gift or left money for the mom who let them borrow her car.”
“I’m sure that these ungrateful guests found some of the practices, accommodations, or arrangements made for them to be outside of what they were used to and THOUGHT they were being polite by not saying anything.”
“They were not.”
“Even if they felt overwhelmed by their lack of experience as travelers, that was no excuse.”
“They should have expected things would be different and still should have been mature enough to know that OP went to great lengths (beyond what is reasonable) to host them and should have shown their appreciation.”
“Instead, they seemed to hoard their resources and then splurge on souvenirs at the end of the trip.”
“There would be no point in OP saying much now unless the goal would be to understand how they experienced the trip.”
“But, I’m inclined to think ‘who cares’ at that point since the time to ask would have been in the moment.”
“What OP can consider is whether she and her fiancé might want to travel to where the friend lives and give them a chance to return the favor of hosting them.”
“I wouldn’t expect much since it seems unlikely that they would go too far out of their way as hosts.”
“But, my guess is that OP and her fiancé are better travelers and will be more adaptable, self-reliant, and well-mannered than their unappreciative house guests.” ~ NeatNefariousness1
“This is the best advice.”
“Just cut contact and don’t ever offer to host again.”
“OP wouldn’t be the AH for bringing up that they felt used or were hurt by the lack of comradery shown by guests there to celebrate with them, but in the end – what does it get them?”
“Tim and Tara won’t learn from being told they are AHs and will continue to be shi**y people.”
“Just let them go their own way and be shi**y guests to someone else. NTA.” ~ Discount_Mithral
“NTA, though I might phrase it differently than just saying it was awful.”
“I might ask Tim if something was wrong because it didn’t seem like they enjoyed themselves, they never said thanks or anything, and things felt kind of off.”
“But being more direct would certainly be acceptable, too; they were very rude.”
“It’s not a cultural difference– as an American, I cannot imagine not thanking my hosts, especially with the amount of planning you put in for them, and also can’t imagine not bringing a gift for the hosts–let alone not bringing a gift to your engagement party!”
“The first day I could chalk up to jet lag–honestly, that’s about the only time I might have forgotten my manners because if you can’t sleep on the plane, the exhaustion can just overtake everything and leave you not really thinking straight.”
“But after that, for everything else?”
“No, that’s just unacceptably rude.” ~ lawfox32
“NTA. I wouldn’t bother telling them.”
“My guess is that the couple either had a furious fight or even broke up before arriving.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me at all that he tells you in the weeks ahead that he is single again.” ~ Tricky_Parsnip_6843
“NTA. It will likely end the friendship, but if they’re that rude and disrespectful, then so be it.”
“If you’re curious as to if they had a reason for their appalling behavior, you could start with ‘Hey, so how did you find the trip?'”
“‘You seemed a little off?’ but frankly, I doubt there could be any answer that makes up for their rudeness.” ~ LaVidaLemur
“I’m American.”
“This is not a cultural difference.”
“These people are just weird and rude.”
“It is absolutely bizarre not to be profusely thanking you from the get-go.”
“It is bizarre that they didn’t give you a gift for the visit (and another gift for your engagement party).”
“Your parents lent them a car, and they didn’t thank them?!”
“These people are weird! NTA.” ~ carriedollsy
“You and your fiancé sound like you are excellent hosts.”
“You WNBTA but I don’t think mentioning it will have any impact on your guests.”
“They may not have ever traveled before and were clearly not raised to be polite.”
“Now you know not to invite them again.” ~ GenxBaby2
“Their behavior was VERY rude by American standards.”
“You thank your host and typically you bring a hostess gift and/or you also take your host out to dinner.”
“NTA. I personally don’t think there is anything to gain by telling them they were rude but since the friendship is effectively over, it doesn’t hurt either.” ~ K_A_irony
“NTA and not cultural.”
“They were just being jerks.” ~ stream_inspector
Reddit is with you, OP.
That is outrageous behavior.
Not even a thank you?
You could reach out, but as many people said… “What’s the point?”
Maybe just move forward.
This is a “them” problem.
Congrats on the engagement.