The postpartum period can be overwhelming for first time parents. It's great if they have a reliable support network to help them out.
But friends or family who only add the their stress are the last thing a new parent needs.
A soon-to-be first time mom turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her unruly in-laws.
Moderndaygaia asked:
"AITA for not letting family stay with us postpartum?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) am currently 35 weeks pregnant with my husband (39, male) and I’s first baby. Currently none of our family lives near us. The closest is my dad who is 90 mins away by car and his parents are 3.5 hours away by car."
"When our son is born, I, of course, would love our families to come visit and meet their grandson, but I do not want anyone staying at our house for multiple days, especially his family."
"I am a very neat and tidy person and they are not. When they are at our house, they treat it very poorly. They leave food, trash, and water glasses everywhere. They don’t pick up after themselves and are very loud and demanding.
"His mother (60, female) has to drink every night until she passes out somewhere and then someone has to carry her to bed. His father (62, male) has made many comments that I find very off-putting and offensive. Things like commenting on my body (my breasts), making jokes about me giving my husband bl*w jobs."
"Not only does he make those comments in front of the family and me, but also in front of other people. We were on a family vacation together and he made a very loud comment about my husband bending me over in front a whole bus of people. Also, when we are at their house, he has 'accidentally' walked in on me changing multiple times."
"Because of these things, I don’t feel comfortable having them in my house while I am healing from delivering a baby. I also plan to breastfeed, and I will not feel comfortable doing so with my FIL around because of the things stated above."
"My husband says that family should be able to stay with us because they are family, but I am holding my ground on this. His family is very wealthy and travels constantly, so money is not an issue. So I don’t see why they can’t stay at a hotel for a few days while visiting their grandson."
"My dad is totally fine with not staying with us, and he is not the issue here, just the in-laws."
"So AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I think I might be the a**hole for not letting family stay at our house while visiting. We have a spare bedroom available and space for them at our house."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Why are you with a man who lets his father get away with sexually harassing you?" ~ Limerase
"I guess that’s what happens when you marry someone 10 years older. He has no respect for his wife. A man who loves and respects his wife would not let anyone degrade her like that."
"Even worse, he sees nothing wrong with his family treating their house like a hotel right after his wife gives birth. Who wants to bet FIL will find ways to 'accidentally' walk in on OP while she is breast feeding so he can see her breasts?"
"Your husband's family is terrible, but it looks like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree." ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
"The minute my partner tried to make excuses I’d pack up and leave. I don’t allow disrespect in my relationship." ~ Bittybellie
"I would be f*cking terrified of letting that man around any kid. A man who sexualises his DIL so openly… holy f*ck, I would not let him ever TOUCH my baby. Seriously, why are men like this?" ~ Coxal_anomaly
"Oh my god, if your FIL is as disgusting as you say, I’d NEVER let him in my house. And never ever let him be alone with your child. Your husband needs to tell them no. Doesn’t work for us right now." ~ Remote_Hour_841
"My children and I would be no contact with FIL and anyone justifying/allowing/dismissing his disgusting behavior."
"Don't get me wrong, I have had similar 'chats/jokes' like this before but they were with women, (my BFF or the woman who helped my dad raise me through my formative years) and it was always in a respectful 'girl chat' kind of conversation, it was never degrading and essentially reducing me to a sex toy like OPs FIL seems intent on viewing OP as." ~ Environmental_Art591
"NTA, but we have a huge issue beyond this complete violation of boundaries while post partum. Has your husband always been so unsupportive of you? He shouldn’t be okay with anyone talking about you that way let alone HIS FATHER, that’s horrifying."
"And the physical violations like walking in on you‽ An in-law should not even be thinking of you sexually let alone talking about it. I am genuinely scared for you and the behavior that has been normalized to you."
"Your husband should be pampering you postpartum and prioritizing everything you need right now during this critical time. I hope you feel like you have the autonomy to tell him so, but I worry." ~ Raccoonsr29
"I would feel absolutely violated being in this situation, to have in an in-law talk about your breasts is absolutely f*cking disgusting. Your husband needs to back you and tell them they need to treat you and your house better. Sorry OP, I feel bad for you." ~ CutieOnCloudNine
"NTA. Your husband is not delivering a human out of his body, so his opinions are irrelevant. Die on this hill."
"Tell your husband, 'Your parents being here when I am newly postpartum is a 10,000% no from me. If you don't handle this and make it clear they can't stay, I will literally book a hotel and stay there until they're gone. I cannot get this time back, and I will not allow your parents to ruin this for me'."
"Also, why is your husband okay with nasty, sexually predatory behavior from his dad? Does your husband also objectify you?" ~ Anon_please123
"Your body does all kinds of crazy things after birth. Hosting needy, messy, rude people will not be good for you at all!" ~ VapidRudesby
"NTA. Set this line hard in the sand. No guests until you feel ready. You won't be up to taking care of people, and shouldn't be expected to. A firm 'No' is the answer here."
"Per your FIL, I'd have a conversation with your husband about how this makes you feel and ask him if he's comfortable with his father sexualizing you. Sounds like it's time for you to go no contact with your in-laws." ~ Discount_Mithral
"NTA. Your husband is an AH for both allowing the inappropriate behavior and pressuring you to have them stay. Your FIL sounds predatory AF." ~ hanningsbee
"NTA, and I’m sorry you have a husband who does not support you. You deserve better. Let him move in with his parents." ~ NurseRobyn
"Anyone who drinks to passing out does not need to be in a home with a newborn baby." ~ Hot-Freedom-5886
"NTA, but your husband is. He needs to protect you. I’m a mom and grandma, and there is no way in hell anyone should stay with you postpartum. It’s delusional for anyone to think that’s JUST FINE."
"I don’t care if they are the Houseguests of the Year. You don’t need that. Anyone who wants to visit can (1) wait until the baby is 2-3 months old; (2) get all the appropriate vaccinations, and (3) stay in a hotel and only come by for short, you-approved visits. Just NO."
"Everyone can go hang. Don’t give in on this. It’s very easy for some husbands to be down with this because they are not giving birth and they won’t be expected to serve guests. Yes, this is the hill on which I would be willing to die." ~ Big-Fig3260
"NTA and the fact your husband isn’t supporting you 100% on this is a major red flag. Be crystal clear, if they show up, you’ll be staying in a hotel until they leave." ~ Urbanyeti0
"The disgusting sh*t his dad says to you is reason enough to say no. It’s your house, and if they don’t respect your house, or you as person, then you gotta draw that line. If your husband respects you, he should accept it." ~ EvanWhiteYeah
"Do not budge on this. It will ruin your postpartum time, and in ten years, you will be telling someone else on Reddit how you wish you put your foot down because all you can remember is feeling horribly angry during what is supposed to be a memorable, bonding time with your child and husband."
"They will even try to say they will 'help' and we both know that is crap. If your husband tries pulling something, say, "Sure, they can stay but I’m taking the baby and going to a hotel. DO. NOT. GIVE. IN." ~ AccomplishedBar8352
The OP should be comfortable when she returns home after giving birth.
Having her in-laws there is the opposite of comfortable.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp