The postpartum period can be overwhelming for first time parents. It's great if they have a reliable support network to help them out.
But friends or family who only add the their stress are the last thing a new parent needs.
A soon-to-be first time mom turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over her unruly in-laws.
Moderndaygaia asked:
"AITA for not letting family stay with us postpartum?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (29, female) am currently 35 weeks pregnant with my husband (39, male) and I’s first baby. Currently none of our family lives near us. The closest is my dad who is 90 mins away by car and his parents are 3.5 hours away by car."
"When our son is born, I, of course, would love our families to come visit and meet their grandson, but I do not want anyone staying at our house for multiple days, especially his family."
"I am a very neat and tidy person and they are not. When they are at our house, they treat it very poorly. They leave food, trash, and water glasses everywhere. They don’t pick up after themselves and are very loud and demanding.
"His mother (60, female) has to drink every night until she passes out somewhere and then someone has to carry her to bed. His father (62, male) has made many comments that I find very off-putting and offensive. Things like commenting on my body (my breasts), making jokes about me giving my husband bl*w jobs."
"Not only does he make those comments in front of the family and me, but also in front of other people. We were on a family vacation together and he made a very loud comment about my husband bending me over in front a whole bus of people. Also, when we are at their house, he has 'accidentally' walked in on me changing multiple times."
"Because of these things, I don’t feel comfortable having them in my house while I am healing from delivering a baby. I also plan to breastfeed, and I will not feel comfortable doing so with my FIL around because of the things stated above."
"My husband says that family should be able to stay with us because they are family, but I am holding my ground on this. His family is very wealthy and travels constantly, so money is not an issue. So I don’t see why they can’t stay at a hotel for a few days while visiting their grandson."
"My dad is totally fine with not staying with us, and he is not the issue here, just the in-laws."
"So AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I think I might be the a**hole for not letting family stay at our house while visiting. We have a spare bedroom available and space for them at our house."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Why are you with a man who lets his father get away with sexually harassing you?" ~ Limerase
"I guess that’s what happens when you marry someone 10 years older. He has no respect for his wife. A man who loves and respects his wife would not let anyone degrade her like that."
"Even worse, he sees nothing wrong with his family treating their house like a hotel right after his wife gives birth. Who wants to bet FIL will find ways to 'accidentally' walk in on OP while she is breast feeding so he can see her breasts?"
"Your husband's family is terrible, but it looks like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree." ~ JustKindaHappenedxx
"The minute my partner tried to make excuses I’d pack up and leave. I don’t allow disrespect in my relationship." ~ Bittybellie
"I would be f*cking terrified of letting that man around any kid. A man who sexualises his DIL so openly… holy f*ck, I would not let him ever TOUCH my baby. Seriously, why are men like this?" ~ Coxal_anomaly
"Oh my god, if your FIL is as disgusting as you say, I’d NEVER let him in my house. And never ever let him be alone with your child. Your husband needs to tell them no. Doesn’t work for us right now." ~ Remote_Hour_841
"My children and I would be no contact with FIL and anyone justifying/allowing/dismissing his disgusting behavior."
"Don't get me wrong, I have had similar 'chats/jokes' like this before but they were with women, (my BFF or the woman who helped my dad raise me through my formative years) and it was always in a respectful 'girl chat' kind of conversation, it was never degrading and essentially reducing me to a sex toy like OPs FIL seems intent on viewing OP as." ~ Environmental_Art591
"NTA, but we have a huge issue beyond this complete violation of boundaries while post partum. Has your husband always been so unsupportive of you? He shouldn’t be okay with anyone talking about you that way let alone HIS FATHER, that’s horrifying."
"And the physical violations like walking in on you‽ An in-law should not even be thinking of you sexually let alone talking about it. I am genuinely scared for you and the behavior that has been normalized to you."
"Your husband should be pampering you postpartum and prioritizing everything you need right now during this critical time. I hope you feel like you have the autonomy to tell him so, but I worry." ~ Raccoonsr29
"I would feel absolutely violated being in this situation, to have in an in-law talk about your breasts is absolutely f*cking disgusting. Your husband needs to back you and tell them they need to treat you and your house better. Sorry OP, I feel bad for you." ~ CutieOnCloudNine
"NTA. Your husband is not delivering a human out of his body, so his opinions are irrelevant. Die on this hill."
"Tell your husband, 'Your parents being here when I am newly postpartum is a 10,000% no from me. If you don't handle this and make it clear they can't stay, I will literally book a hotel and stay there until they're gone. I cannot get this time back, and I will not allow your parents to ruin this for me'."
"Also, why is your husband okay with nasty, sexually predatory behavior from his dad? Does your husband also objectify you?" ~ Anon_please123
"Your body does all kinds of crazy things after birth. Hosting needy, messy, rude people will not be good for you at all!" ~ VapidRudesby
"NTA. Set this line hard in the sand. No guests until you feel ready. You won't be up to taking care of people, and shouldn't be expected to. A firm 'No' is the answer here."
"Per your FIL, I'd have a conversation with your husband about how this makes you feel and ask him if he's comfortable with his father sexualizing you. Sounds like it's time for you to go no contact with your in-laws." ~ Discount_Mithral
"NTA. Your husband is an AH for both allowing the inappropriate behavior and pressuring you to have them stay. Your FIL sounds predatory AF." ~ hanningsbee
"NTA, and I’m sorry you have a husband who does not support you. You deserve better. Let him move in with his parents." ~ NurseRobyn
"Anyone who drinks to passing out does not need to be in a home with a newborn baby." ~ Hot-Freedom-5886
"NTA, but your husband is. He needs to protect you. I’m a mom and grandma, and there is no way in hell anyone should stay with you postpartum. It’s delusional for anyone to think that’s JUST FINE."
"I don’t care if they are the Houseguests of the Year. You don’t need that. Anyone who wants to visit can (1) wait until the baby is 2-3 months old; (2) get all the appropriate vaccinations, and (3) stay in a hotel and only come by for short, you-approved visits. Just NO."
"Everyone can go hang. Don’t give in on this. It’s very easy for some husbands to be down with this because they are not giving birth and they won’t be expected to serve guests. Yes, this is the hill on which I would be willing to die." ~ Big-Fig3260
"NTA and the fact your husband isn’t supporting you 100% on this is a major red flag. Be crystal clear, if they show up, you’ll be staying in a hotel until they leave." ~ Urbanyeti0
"The disgusting sh*t his dad says to you is reason enough to say no. It’s your house, and if they don’t respect your house, or you as person, then you gotta draw that line. If your husband respects you, he should accept it." ~ EvanWhiteYeah
"Do not budge on this. It will ruin your postpartum time, and in ten years, you will be telling someone else on Reddit how you wish you put your foot down because all you can remember is feeling horribly angry during what is supposed to be a memorable, bonding time with your child and husband."
"They will even try to say they will 'help' and we both know that is crap. If your husband tries pulling something, say, "Sure, they can stay but I’m taking the baby and going to a hotel. DO. NOT. GIVE. IN." ~ AccomplishedBar8352
The OP should be comfortable when she returns home after giving birth.
Having her in-laws there is the opposite of comfortable.
