A lot of us were blessed with loving families who can get together for the holidays, create beautiful memories, and even be there for each other when someone needs help or to celebrate.
But even in these incredible families, boundaries can be crossed and hurt those relationships, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Alisadro had no hard feelings toward their parents-in-law and even wanted to help them when they were going through extreme financial issues and had to find a new home.
But when the in-laws insisted on staying in their home during the interim, the Original Poster (OP) knew that it was a bad idea.
They asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my in-laws move in with us, even temporarily?”
The OP was resistant to the idea of having their in-laws move in with them.
“My wife’s parents are having financial issues and asked if they could move in with us ‘for a few months.'”
“We have the space, but I know from past experience that ‘a few months’ can easily turn into a year or more. My problem with this is that ‘a few months’ could mean anything from two to six months or even longer.”
“I told my wife I’m not comfortable with it. I like my space, and I don’t want to feel like a guest in my own home.”
“It’s not like having them move in for a few months will magically make everything better. If there’s no clear plan or steps being taken to address their financial difficulties, it feels like we’d just be enabling a never-ending cycle. I understand wanting to help, but I can’t just turn our home into a temporary solution, knowing there’s no real plan in place.”
The couple argued about the logistics of the move.
“She says it’s just temporary and that ‘family helps family,’ but I feel like once they’re in, getting them out will be a nightmare. ‘Temporary’ often turns into ‘indefinite,’ and once they’re in, it will be way harder to ask them to leave. Helping family is great, but not at the cost of my own space and sanity.”
“It feels like it would be just a matter of time until we take on all the responsibilities, too. I’m all for helping family, but there’s a limit to how much I can handle, especially if they’re expecting to stay forever. Setting boundaries is key to keeping the peace in the long run.”
The OP’s wife was critical of them for not being more welcoming to her parents.
“Now my wife is upset, saying I’m being selfish and that we should support them. I get that it’s a tough situation, but I also don’t want to feel trapped in my own house.”
“And it’s not that I’m saying no to helping, but I need a clear end date, not an open-ended situation.”
“AITAH for saying no?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP’s concerns about their in-laws moving in for “a few months.”
“What do your in-laws expect will change in a few months? Will the financial difficulties be fixed by then? Is there a plan for how they will be fixed?” – fuzzy_mic
“What will change from now to a few months from now? Did someone start a higher-paying job and just needs a few checks to save a deposit? Is there income from another source that’s due to arrive soon?”
“If it’s really just a few months, then a concrete plan needs to be developed and agreed on in advance. If there is no plan, there will never be one.” – herroyalsadness
“Tell them that before they move in, you need to see their financials: income, expenses, and a plan to get out of this financial hole. I bet they’ll stop asking.”
“Trust me, this is a completely reasonable thing to ask. Without a plan, they’ll never leave.”
“And anyone that guilts you, tell them they’re welcome to step right up and help.” – SuluSpeaks
“NTA. ‘Temporary’ houseguests have a way of becoming permanent residents.”
“Boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re necessary, especially when it comes to in-laws and living space. Helping doesn’t have to mean sacrificing your own peace.” – IrisSultry
“NTA. This situation requires two yeses before any suitcases cross the threshold! Once they are in and comfy, you’ll never get them out because they will guilt trip your spouse every time you try to discuss when they are going to leave.”
“You will be miserable, and it will destroy your marriage. Good luck!” – Shutupandplayball
“NTA. Change the conversation. If it’s only for a few months, then what is their plan? How much money do they need? A few months means they should be just short of money for a deposit on an apartment. So, if they tell you how much, you can loan them that money.”
“If they don’t have a plan, then they aren’t asking for ‘just a few months,’ because it would take that long to get a plan together and start working on it, so it would be more like a year… or more.”
“Also, change the conversation on family helping family. Yes, family does help family, but family also should ask the details so that we can help them, determine if that is just what they need or if there is a better solution that we can provide them. Asking the details helps you understand if you’re helping enough or they need more help than you can give.”
“Just giving them what they want is the same as a child complying with their demand regardless of the impact. Your wife is responding like a child to her parents.”
“You need to convince her that you both need to respond like adults, and ask for the details, starting with what the plan for the new housing is.”
“If they only need a few months before they have a new place, you can fund the money to get the new place earlier; that way, they don’t have to move twice. If they don’t have a plan, then it’s not a few months; it’s more like a year. And what is the plan for THAT?” – shout-out-1234
Others agreed and suggested how the OP could help their in-laws instead of moving in.
“OP, don’t agree to them moving in. Help with the deposit on an apartment. Help by paying half the rent for six months, or the utilities, etc.”
“If this is financially feasible, I’d do this over letting them move in. Good luck! NTA.” – OkExternal17904
“I’d say feel free to help them with some expenses for a little while, but don’t do it to the point of enabling them to continue the behavior that got them in this situation in the first place.”
“Have they consulted a financial advisor? They need to demonstrate accountability and address whatever issue caused the problem.”
“Tough love means helping someone acknowledge their behavior caused their problem so they can fix their problem. A little help now and again is fine, but moving on with you is a MASSIVE step. The ‘family helps family’ is guilt, not help.” – siouxbee1434
“At their ages, if they haven’t achieved financial responsibility, then they never will. They know this and think that this living arrangement is the solution. They will NEVER leave, and you’ll end up divorced. Don’t let them move in!” – lovenorwich
“You can offer to help them find a new place and may pay (part of) the deposit. There are other ways to help than letting them move in. BUT do this only if they are willing to open up information on the finances.”
“It is one thing if there was a major unexpected event that forces them to learn to live with less money. It is another if they did it to themselves by continuously spending more than they make. That will probably never change.” – Agreeable-Region-310
“Find a mobile home they can stay in/move to OR find them an Air BnB that THEY pay for, for the few months they say they need. DO NOT let them move in with you… The conflict with your wife when it’s time for them to leave and they can’t or won’t, will create so much ill-will all around, oh geez, you don’t even want to go there!!” – Silent_Classroom7441
“Have you spoken with your wife about this? From your post, it seems like you’re just saying no, which is your prerogative, but it won’t be conducive to your relationship.”
“Definitely make sure she knows you’re willing to help make a plan, support the plan, and do other things to help them get back on their feet, whatever, just not have them move in. She might feel differently about your ‘no’ then.” – Fatpandsneezes
The subReddit completely understood where the OP was coming from in wanting to help their parents-in-law without crossing too many boundaries.
Having them move in could set a precedent that could be really difficult to undo, while helping them in another way, like paying a few months of rent, could help them get back on their feet without everyone suddenly having to negotiate under the same roof.
Just because it’s not what they originally asked for doesn’t mean it isn’t a gift.