A lot of us were blessed with loving families who can get together for the holidays, create beautiful memories, and even be there for each other when someone needs help or to celebrate.
But even in these incredible families, boundaries can be crossed and hurt those relationships, cautioned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Alisadro had no hard feelings toward their parents-in-law and even wanted to help them when they were going through extreme financial issues and had to find a new home.
But when the in-laws insisted on staying in their home during the interim, the Original Poster (OP) knew that it was a bad idea.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to let my in-laws move in with us, even temporarily?"
The OP was resistant to the idea of having their in-laws move in with them.
"My wife's parents are having financial issues and asked if they could move in with us 'for a few months.'"
"We have the space, but I know from past experience that 'a few months' can easily turn into a year or more. My problem with this is that 'a few months' could mean anything from two to six months or even longer."
"I told my wife I'm not comfortable with it. I like my space, and I don't want to feel like a guest in my own home."
"It's not like having them move in for a few months will magically make everything better. If there's no clear plan or steps being taken to address their financial difficulties, it feels like we'd just be enabling a never-ending cycle. I understand wanting to help, but I can't just turn our home into a temporary solution, knowing there's no real plan in place."
The couple argued about the logistics of the move.
"She says it's just temporary and that 'family helps family,' but I feel like once they're in, getting them out will be a nightmare. 'Temporary' often turns into 'indefinite,' and once they're in, it will be way harder to ask them to leave. Helping family is great, but not at the cost of my own space and sanity."
"It feels like it would be just a matter of time until we take on all the responsibilities, too. I'm all for helping family, but there's a limit to how much I can handle, especially if they're expecting to stay forever. Setting boundaries is key to keeping the peace in the long run."
The OP's wife was critical of them for not being more welcoming to her parents.
"Now my wife is upset, saying I'm being selfish and that we should support them. I get that it's a tough situation, but I also don't want to feel trapped in my own house."
"And it's not that I'm saying no to helping, but I need a clear end date, not an open-ended situation."
"AITAH for saying no?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some agreed with the OP's concerns about their in-laws moving in for "a few months."
"What do your in-laws expect will change in a few months? Will the financial difficulties be fixed by then? Is there a plan for how they will be fixed?" - fuzzy_mic
"What will change from now to a few months from now? Did someone start a higher-paying job and just needs a few checks to save a deposit? Is there income from another source that's due to arrive soon?"
"If it's really just a few months, then a concrete plan needs to be developed and agreed on in advance. If there is no plan, there will never be one." - herroyalsadness
"Tell them that before they move in, you need to see their financials: income, expenses, and a plan to get out of this financial hole. I bet they'll stop asking."
"Trust me, this is a completely reasonable thing to ask. Without a plan, they'll never leave."
"And anyone that guilts you, tell them they're welcome to step right up and help." - SuluSpeaks
"NTA. 'Temporary' houseguests have a way of becoming permanent residents."
"Boundaries aren't selfish; they're necessary, especially when it comes to in-laws and living space. Helping doesn't have to mean sacrificing your own peace." - IrisSultry
"NTA. This situation requires two yeses before any suitcases cross the threshold! Once they are in and comfy, you'll never get them out because they will guilt trip your spouse every time you try to discuss when they are going to leave."
"You will be miserable, and it will destroy your marriage. Good luck!" - Shutupandplayball
"NTA. Change the conversation. If it's only for a few months, then what is their plan? How much money do they need? A few months means they should be just short of money for a deposit on an apartment. So, if they tell you how much, you can loan them that money."
"If they don't have a plan, then they aren't asking for 'just a few months,' because it would take that long to get a plan together and start working on it, so it would be more like a year... or more."
"Also, change the conversation on family helping family. Yes, family does help family, but family also should ask the details so that we can help them, determine if that is just what they need or if there is a better solution that we can provide them. Asking the details helps you understand if you're helping enough or they need more help than you can give."
"Just giving them what they want is the same as a child complying with their demand regardless of the impact. Your wife is responding like a child to her parents."
"You need to convince her that you both need to respond like adults, and ask for the details, starting with what the plan for the new housing is."
"If they only need a few months before they have a new place, you can fund the money to get the new place earlier; that way, they don't have to move twice. If they don't have a plan, then it's not a few months; it's more like a year. And what is the plan for THAT?" - shout-out-1234
Others agreed and suggested how the OP could help their in-laws instead of moving in.
"OP, don't agree to them moving in. Help with the deposit on an apartment. Help by paying half the rent for six months, or the utilities, etc."
"If this is financially feasible, I'd do this over letting them move in. Good luck! NTA." - OkExternal17904
"I'd say feel free to help them with some expenses for a little while, but don't do it to the point of enabling them to continue the behavior that got them in this situation in the first place."
"Have they consulted a financial advisor? They need to demonstrate accountability and address whatever issue caused the problem."
"Tough love means helping someone acknowledge their behavior caused their problem so they can fix their problem. A little help now and again is fine, but moving on with you is a MASSIVE step. The 'family helps family' is guilt, not help." - siouxbee1434
"At their ages, if they haven't achieved financial responsibility, then they never will. They know this and think that this living arrangement is the solution. They will NEVER leave, and you'll end up divorced. Don't let them move in!" - lovenorwich
"You can offer to help them find a new place and may pay (part of) the deposit. There are other ways to help than letting them move in. BUT do this only if they are willing to open up information on the finances."
"It is one thing if there was a major unexpected event that forces them to learn to live with less money. It is another if they did it to themselves by continuously spending more than they make. That will probably never change." - Agreeable-Region-310
"Find a mobile home they can stay in/move to OR find them an Air BnB that THEY pay for, for the few months they say they need. DO NOT let them move in with you... The conflict with your wife when it's time for them to leave and they can't or won't, will create so much ill-will all around, oh geez, you don't even want to go there!!" - Silent_Classroom7441
"Have you spoken with your wife about this? From your post, it seems like you're just saying no, which is your prerogative, but it won't be conducive to your relationship."
"Definitely make sure she knows you're willing to help make a plan, support the plan, and do other things to help them get back on their feet, whatever, just not have them move in. She might feel differently about your 'no' then." - Fatpandsneezes
The subReddit completely understood where the OP was coming from in wanting to help their parents-in-law without crossing too many boundaries.
Having them move in could set a precedent that could be really difficult to undo, while helping them in another way, like paying a few months of rent, could help them get back on their feet without everyone suddenly having to negotiate under the same roof.
Just because it's not what they originally asked for doesn't mean it isn't a gift.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp