When we are hosting guests in our home, we tend to go to great lengths to make sure they feel comfortable.
Ideally though, in an effort to show our appreciation, when we are guests in someone's home, we should likewise be courteous and sensitive to their needs and requests.
After all, they are going out of their way to host us, so both parties should make an effort of some kind.
Unfortunately, it's far too common for houseguests to expect to be waited on and offer nothing in return.
Redditor RWBYYanging recently hosted her sister and brother-in-law (BIL) for a weekend visit.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s sister and BIL were anything but gracious guests.
In fact, the OP's BIL appeared to be going out of his way to agitate her, prompting the OP to give them both an ultimatum.
After being accused of overreacting by her sister, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for threatening to kick my brother in law out of my home for purposefully irritating me?"
The OP explained why it was her way or the highway when it came to her sister and BIL:
"So this happened yesterday."
"My (29 F[emale) sister (32 F), let's call her Alice, and her new husband (32 M[ale]), let's call him Sam, came to stay with me for the weekend."
"Initially, I'd only invited them for Friday night game night, but they sort of invited themselves to stay the weekend."
"It's a little annoying, but they're in the middle of moving to my area from across the country, so I can be a little flexible for them."
"I barely know Sam, only meeting him a handful of times, and he really wants to be like a big brother to me."
"I live alone and I'm very introverted and neurodivergent, though not officially diagnosed."
"From the start, they both were just a little overly entitled and disrespectful, first claiming they'd arrive at a certain time, then pushing that time back a couple of hours, then not arriving till two hours after that."
"They were 4 hours late from the original plan."
"There was more as well, but basically I was getting irritated, but was still being a gracious host."
"Sam started to try to low-key insult me as a form of joking around, calling me a little child and that no adult listens to the whining of a little child like me, and then calling me boastful when I tried defending myself, which made me feel my patience getting thin with him specifically."
"I have a sensory issue with forks and knives scraping against bowls and plates."
"Like, it literally is painful for me to the point I have to cover my ears and my whole body flinches."
"While we were eating, Alice accidentally scraped her knife on the plate, and apologized to me."
"It wasn't too bad, then when she explained to Sam why she apologized, he took his fork and purposefully ground it against his plate to make that horrible screeching sound while staring right at me with a grin on his face."
"I instantly told him if he ever did that again in my home, he would be kicked out."
"They changed their plans right away and left an hour later, very upset at me for saying that to him."
"My sister insisted over and over again that I was being dramatic for taking it that far, and when I told her what Sam did was disrespectful, she insisted it wasn't and that he was just playfully teasing to try to get a rise out of me, like siblings are supposed to."
"...another incident."
"I am celiac and my home is fully gluten-free."
"I reminded my sister long before their visit and asked them not to bring any gluten to my home."
"They brought a wheat-based cereal, knowingly, into my home, though they brought a bowl and disposable cutlery to minimize the chance of cross-contamination."
"I'm still upset about this."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for threatening to kick Sam out of her house.
Everyone agreed that when you are a guest in someone's home, the least you can do is show them the most basic modicum of respect, something Sam and Alice did not, and as such the OP did not need to welcome them into her home:
"NTA."
"Sam's a d*ck."- bfnch
"NTA."
"Broad strokes, your house, your rules, your peace."
"Finer point - BIL is an overgrown child out to cause trouble, even more reason to give him the boot."
"Yeesh."- your-mom04605
"NTA."
"Your brother-in-law is a childish instigator, and your sister needed to shut that crap down."
"Instead, she took his side."
"I feel bad that they are moving closer to you."- Donutsmell
"It's not playful teasing, it's deliberate bullying."
"Your sister's husband is the a**hole, and if I were you, I'd tell her right now that he is no longer welcome in your home."
"And please get evaluated and get a diagnosis."
"There are a lot of resources out there."
"NTA."- mama_d63
"NTA."
"You have a sensory issue, and your sister is aware enough to apologize and explain it to Sam."
"Sam INTENTIONALLY made a noise and grinned while doing this, knowing full well how much it hurts you."
"That's rude to do to ANYONE and especially in your home."
"Teasing someone with a sensory issue by doing the thing that pains them?"
"Absolutely not."
"They're adults and if they're supposed to be your 'big brother', wouldn't you be sensitive?"
"Or does he take 'big brother' to mean bully and jerk like some big brothers are to their younger siblings?"- archetyping101
"He's not your sibling, and siblings shouldn't do that shit anyway."
"NTA."- CJsopinion
"NTA."
"Sam is not your sibling."- Straight_Coconut_317
"He probably treats her like crap too."
"He's a bully."
"NTA."- OkManufacturer767
"NTA."
"But BIL is a jerk and your sister isn't much better."- CarelessZucchini8477
"The famous 'That's just the way he is' BS."
"No, sister, your husband is an A-hole, and you're an A-hole for not telling him to stop tormenting your sister and then doubling down and defending him."
"NTA and if I were you I wouldn't let them back in my house."- catsandplants424
"NTA."
"He wanted to get a rise out of you."
"He got it and is now upset he got it."
"I am ADHD, and some sounds just irritate me, so I totally understand."
"My brother use to be PLAYFUL like that, I have not spoken to him in several years."- New-Cut-7702
"NTA."
"It's your home."
"They're guests."
"They should be respectful of you, your time, and your space."
"If they aren't, you have every right to ask them to leave."
"You're also within your rights to set boundaries, especially in your home."
"Sometimes, the only way to get through to people who think it's okay to 'playfully push your buttons' is to firmly let them know that you are not okay with their behavior."- Wild_Ticket1413
"Trying to 'get a rise out of someone' IS being disrespectful."
"So is belittling people."
"That is disrespectful and bullying."
"It is NOT 'joking around' and his saying it doesn't make it so."
"WTF would someone only three years older than you (chronologically, if not mentally/emotionally) think he is in any position to call you 'a little child'?"
"Does he have siblings?"
"Because I sure as hell would not want a 'big brother' who behaved that way."
"Good on you for speaking up."
"Never let him into your home again."
"NTA."- MolassesInevitable53
"The appropriate solution is to never have Sam over at your house again."
"That is his reward for insulting you and goading you."
"NTA."- Regular_Boot_3540
"NTA."
"And you wouldn't have been even if you gave them the boot on Friday night."
"Nobody is entitled to stay over without booking it in."
"Even less so when they're FOUR HOURS LATE."- Purple_Mine_1676
"NTA."
"Your sister did not marry well."
"You don't have to tolerate Sam, but you could remind your sister that you will always be her sister and if she ever needs you, that you will be there."
"No need to engage further on this topic."
"You set a boundary and a consequence."
"Stand by that."
"Part of why they fled like that is you did not submit to his bullshit and control."
"Good for you!"
"Don't do so in the future."- Rhypskallion
It's not uncommon for siblings to goad one another in a deliberate attempt to get on each other's nerves.
That doesn't mean we have to enjoy it, or even tolerate it.
Nor do in-laws even have that freedom.
Considering that the OP made it abundantly clear to Sam that he was being anything but playful with her, it's hard to argue that his invitation to stay with them should be revoked without question.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp