There's a saying from Benjamin Franklin:
"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days."
It's not really about smelly guests, it's about houseguests overstaying their welcome. A few days makes for a nice visit while anything beyond that becomes a disruption and imposition.
A wife looking at multiple houseguests for over a week turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Chicoravelli asked:
"AITAH for not wanting my husband's family to stay with us for the holidays?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"We have a 1 bedroom apartment with a 7 month old. Space is already so limited."
"My husband's sister and her family are flying across the country to spend Christmas with us for 11 days. They insisted they stay with us instead of getting a hotel."
"Of course, my husband (40) agrees to this without talking to me (mid-30s). When he does ask me about it, I explain how it's going to be crowded."
"The noise has to be kept to a minimum because of the baby. My son already has trouble sleeping, so who knows how it'll be by next month."
"Husband is working some days while they're here, so he insists they use my car to go and do stuff while I'm home with the kid. The problem I have the most is when I speak up, he immediately says I'm against his family, even though he's always talking crap against mine."
"My family hasn't been over to see my son yet because they know it's going to take hotel and car rental fees. They don't insist on uprooting my entire routine for 11 days."
"My mom can get me discounts because she works at a hotel. But that's still not good enough for his sister."
"I just think it's rude to insist on sleeping on an air mattress that will take up half our living room. My son will not have a safe place to play."
"I'll have to lock myself away to pump every 3-4 hours. Our routines will be shattered."
"I have a feeling their kid will be loud and wake the baby. Husband said, 'Don't get mad if sister's kid breaks things.' He's 5, not 2… I'm going to be mad."
"I'm made to feel like the a**hole because I have an opinion. The more I think about it, the angrier I get."
"AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to be upset (NTA).
"NTA. Good grief! I would be leaving to visit my own family with the baby for 11 days."
"He can deal with his sister. Good luck." ~ cmooneychi26
"Guests are on the list of two to approve and one to veto. And 11 days in a one-bedroom?!? Hard pass. Take the car, the kid, your valuables, and leave for 15 days." ~ SadLocal8314
"SIL insists on staying with them? I would be like, insist all you want, it's my house, and I insist you stay somewhere else. I get the feeling SIL has always done this kind of thing to OP, and her husband allows it." ~ Creative-Sun6739
"I'm going to say it—SIL is cruel, husband is uncaring and cruel. Both of these people are also selfish and don't see OP as human. No one with a heart does this."
"One night? Maybe. Two? Pushing it. ELEVENTY whole days?? In a one-bedroom, one bath? Utter madness." ~ cakivalue
"Your marriage has very serious problems, and the question is whether there were no previous red flags or whether they were dismissed? Your husband is extremely self-centered and doesn't understand what it means to be a spouse."
"Your needs and your very small space should be the top priority of his life. And clearly it is not."
"I would lock up everything that's valuable to me, hide it, put it away. Take what I need to take with me and I would definitely go to my parents' house."
"I would tell him it's because there's no way that many people should be crowded into a one-bedroom apartment with a baby that you are breastfeeding for 11 days. That is totally self-centered."
"They should stay home or pay for a hotel. There's something wrong with their mindset. They are all self-absorbed. And it makes me angry just reading it."
"But I wouldn't be there when they got there. And probably not for sometime after they left." ~ Odd-Alternative-4959
"NTA, and I'd be noping out to visit MY family and taking Baby with me, along with anything personal or breakable. Yikes."
"If that's not an option, can your mom get you and Baby a deal on a hotel stay while in-laws are there? Cuz no way would I be able to deal with a baby and all that in-law nonsense." ~ ohemgee0309
"If he insists they stay, then he can cook, clean, transport and entertain them."
"And WTF is wrong with him that he is like 'screw my wife and baby and their needs, I'm having their entire lives in chaos for ELEVEN days while I nope out of the situation and gaslight my wife for having feelings about it'."
"The audacity is great in this man. The brains, not so much." ~ Awesomesince1973
"NTA, but your husband is. You have a big husband problem. Your in-laws are terrible people, and if your husband wants them to visit so badly, he can stay home and entertain them. Take your baby and visit your family." ~ PeggyOnThePier
"Absolutely leave and go somewhere quiet, with your car. Pack up anything breakable and your baby's best toys and store them at a neighbor's or a friend's house ahead of time. Tell your husband it's because you WILL be very mad if the kid or anyone breaks anything."
"Then, after they are there for one day, you will have many reasons to leave and go somewhere quiet. You can tell your husband that you warned him it'll be too much, and you are going to leave him to do the entertaining himself."
"Make sure you prearrange your plans to stay with someone in advance. You can go to your family, use your mom's hotel discount, or stay with a friend. Enjoy the quiet without having to entertain your husband's family in your tiny space. If you stay local, you can visit during the day to be social, and leave when you need to." ~ LibraryMouse4321
"NTA! I would be beyond angry with your husband- and his also aggressive sister! WHO insists on staying with their child when you only have a one-bedroom place‽‽ Inconsiderate to say the least, and I agree with others who say you should leave."
"This man has zero respect for you! If they cannot afford to stay anywhere, then they shouldn't be visiting you! What a selfish bunch of sh*tes."
"OP, you are being completely disrespecte,d and tell him you are not against family who considers that you have a young baby in a small place—and says they WON'T visit you now."
"They deserve each other, and you deserve to leave and stay at your parent's place with YOUR car." ~ Myiiadru2
"I can give my husband some grace for inviting his parents to visit without asking when 90% or more of that visit does not happen in my home. Still pisses me off, but I get it."
"Guests who stay in your home? Hell, no!" ~ Sweet_Permission_700
"Let the sister drive your husband to work and pick him up so she has a car. Tell your husband that he agreed to this without discussing it with you so he can handle it on his own. So disrespectful. NTA." ~ GordonSchumway69
"OP take your son to visit your family. When you're dealing with stupid, you must remember that most often, you can't fix stupid. So develop your strategy and go visit your family."
"You know your husband was making you the entertainment manager without your input. Allow him the opportunity to come to understand the burden that he intended to place upon you." ~ Tight-Shift5706
"Maybe be there the first day for a couple of hours so you can visit with his family, but then go stay with yours. Tell his family that you didn't want to have them feel uncomfortable staying at your house by having to be quiet and such since your baby is used to quiet during his naps. That way you don't look like the a**hole, but you still have the quiet your baby needs." ~ Short_banker1969
"Tell your sister in law that your husband and you insist that they take your bedroom and bed for their family, and that your husband wants to sleep on the couch."
"Their full comfort and attention is your goal as their host."
"Of course, you will take your baby to visit and spend the nights with your family to give them a break from the baby crying."
"Ask her to send a list of their favorite beverages, including teas, coffee, and hot chocolate, and their favorite snacks and breakfast, lunch and dinner choices. Tell them your husband is working on his favorite hobby of learning how to cook better and more gourmet."
"Buy your hubby a thoughtful apron and hand him their list for him to shop and pay for, and to prepare them their favorite meals. After all, they are his FAMILY."
"Oh, and I am sure your mom will stub her toe, or have a bad headache for days, and you, of course, will need to help take care of her. She's your FAMILY."
"Enjoy your mini vacation at your mom's house for the 11 days and as long as she needs you."
"Be sure to schedule a cleaning company for cleaning the apartment after they leave. You wouldn't want to inconvenience your poor hubby to be responsible for cleaning after his family visit, too." ~ Hungry-Emergency8992
If OP's husband won't consider her and their baby's comfort, maybe leaving him alone to entertain his sister and her family for 11 days is best for everyone.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp