Parenting is a tough, full-time job that requires a lot more responsibility than first-time parents initially realize.
A stay-at-home mom with two kids understands the burden of raising children and was happy to help a neighbor who was juggling being a mother to a nine-year-old while working a full-time job.
But her good deed led to a conflict, prompting her to seek judgment from strangers online on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redditor friendlyneighbor154 asked:
"AITA for refusing to watch my neighbor's kid before school because she kept nagging me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I F[female] 35 am a stay-at-home mom with two kids, 'John' M[ale]10 and 'Ava' F[female] 8."
"My neighbor 'Zoe' F[female] 42 works full time and asked at the beginning of the school year if she could drop off her daughter 'Sue' F[female] 9 an hour before school started twice a week."
"I agreed and was happy to help out a neighbor. However, things got bad pretty quickly."
"My kids do not get along well with Sue and see entertaining her as a chore. Both of my kids enjoy sports, arts, and playing outside, while Sue is glued to her phone. Despite this, Sue pouts when my kids do their own thing instead of trying to engage her."
"Zoe called me a few weeks into the school year to nag me for having the kids walk/bike to school, saying it was unsafe and asking me to drive Sue."
"I told her no–if Sue was old enough to have a phone, she was old enough to walk/bike to school. A week later, she asked me to cook real sausage for Sue in addition to veggie sausage I make for my kids (my husband and I don't buy meat)."
"I told her no–Sue could eat what I cook, but if she wanted specific food, she would have to prepare it herself."
The OP continued:
"For the first school semester, Zoe nagged me with similar requests. Don't play songs with explicit lyrics, don't let multiple kids on the trampoline simultaneously, watch the kids when they're outside, etc. When I refused, she was respectful and would be like, 'Sorry to bother you,' but she still had new requests every week."
"At the end of the semester, I told her I was not going to make adjustments to our family lifestyle and inconvenience my family for the sake of her child. Sue's safety was not at risk."
"If she was unsatisfied with Sue's situation, plenty of other people in the neighborhood could watch her. Zoe seemed receptive, and I hoped that would be the end of her nagging."
The OP was to be disappointed as the conflict was not resolved.
"When my kids got home on December 20th, I asked, 'Are you excited for 2.5 weeks with no school?' and John responded 'I'm more excited for 2.5 weeks with no Sue.' Ava nodded and giggled along. It broke my heart to know that they were more happy to get a break from Sue than school."
"Just a couple of days ago, Zoe reached out to me thanking me for agreeing to watch Sue and asking if I could watch her a couple afternoons a week in addition so Zoe could have some 'me' time."
"I told her this would no longer work–our kids did not mesh well, and I didn't want to deal with more inappropriate requests."
"I thought Zoe might be mad, but instead, she just begged me to watch Sue at least one morning a week. She apologized profusely and said I could parent however I wanted to."
"This made me feel bad because she genuinely needed my help and did not know what she would do. I told her I knew I could and that her apology was too little too late."
"My husband and kids stand by my decision, but some of the other moms think I should have been more accommodating, saying I'm selfish, that moms help moms, and I'll never know when I might need help. Does my refusal to help Zoe make me an a**hole?"
"Update: Thank you for the responses. It was so validating to see that you support my actions. The moms in my neighborhood didn't, but at least a few hundred strangers on the internet did. I want to address some common comments and hopefully provide reasoning as to why I initially agreed to help Zoe. In addition, there are some new developments I'd like to share."
"First, I want to give background. This shouldn't change the verdict, but hopefully it makes you think I'm less of a doormat. Zoe is married but her husband works in a city 2 hours away and is hardly ever home, and Zoe herself works a demanding job with weird hours."
"They already pay a fortune for their nanny, so I was happy to lift some of the burden. She did not pay me. This may sound snobbish, but my husband makes a lot of money, so an extra few dollars didn't seem to be a huge deal."
"My parents struggled to put food on the table, and our utilities frequently got shut off, so it was often the kindness of our neighbors that kept me fed, clothed, clean, and maybe even alive."
"So yeah, in retrospect, I shouldn't have agreed to do so much for Zoe for free, and I have learned from my mistakes, but hopefully, this can help you understand why I did it in the first place."
After establishing the backstory, the OP resumed.
"Now, onto the story. One of the moms close to me 'Jen' reached out asking what happened with Zoe. I thought everyone knew, but I recalled the events of the semester leading up to a couple of days ago. Jen said that's not what she heard."
"Zoe had told everyone that she paid me $100 an hour and that I let the kids watch R-rated shows and eat candy for breakfast, and I called her a 'stuck up b*tch' when she asked me not to. She told them my kids bullied Sue so relentlessly that she came home crying every day she came to my house, and that I encouraged said bullying."
"When Zoe complained about this to me, I supposedly denied it. To top it off, I demanded Zoe pay me $200 an hour or I would stop watching her 'little brat.' I was horrified that Zoe was spreading this misinformation about me."
"I assured Jen that none of it was true, showing her receipts of my text exchanges with Zoe. Jen told me she believed me and promised to help me set the record straight. I just don't know what to do because none of the moms will talk to me, and all of the playdates John and Ava had scheduled were canceled."
"I worry because even if we can convince everyone that Zoe is a liar, people will still be suspicious of me. My family has only lived in this town for a couple of years and Zoe's family has lived here much much longer."
"I can take my reputation being tarnished, but I worry especially for my kids. I don't want their friendships to be ruined by some girl who can't accept my decision to not provide free childcare."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA."
"You did this to your kids for long enough - no, it is time to prioritize THEM for a change."
"'But some of the other moms think I should have been more accommodating, saying I'm selfish' .. tell them: It is great they are volunteering, you will pass their offer on to Zoe." – k23_k23
"You are not her employee. Even if she pays, which she should. If she wants a special food, even if she pays you, it is not convenient for YOU nor your children that you shop for it and cook it. Therefore, Zoe needs to purchase it, prepare it, and put it in her child's snack or lunch bag. And if the child forgets or prefers your food, that's the way it is, and Zoe needs to constrain all comments."
"Further, you are mindful of your children's views, and they don't like the child or find the arrangement cumbersome. Therefore, give Zoe notice you are finished as being her second mother. This is the deadline."
"Zoe can make other arrangements. Zoe can talk to her employer to change her work schedule or hire someone else. And stick to that deadline. No more means no more. Smile, be professional." – Leeleedeedee
"NTA."
"She is begging; you can parent however you want, just one day a week."
"You feel bad, say ok, and then fast forward a few weeks, and then it's 2 mornings and 2 afternoons."
"Zoe needs to find her own daycare. Parenting is hard, and we all could use a break, but the audacity of asking you to take her additionally in the afternoon a couple times for me time as if you aren't dealing with your own kids and hers." – McflyThrowaway01
"I liked the request for 'me time' with no reciprocation offered. Then 'moms help moms, ' but only if it benefits me."
"NTA you were kind and generous." – Altruistic-Bunny
"NTA tell the moms who are calling you 'selfish' that they can look after the kid instead. You provided so many hours of free childcare aleady." – Cangal39
"NTA. Gen Xer here, and latchkey kid, and I am dying laughing. At 9 i was riding my bike thru the neighborhood, staying out for hours by myself, playing by a brook."
"I was responsible for my 5-year-old sister when we got home from school until grandma or my parents would return. It sounds like she is a single mom; she really needs to be teaching her child life skills and independence if she doesn't have a nanny/babysitter/family member providing regular childcare." – Little_Loki918
Overall, Redditors sided with the OP for not wanting to continue caring for Zoe's kid, especially after the OP's kids were subjected to clashing with Sue.
Redditors were also disappointed in Zoe for the alleged lies she spread, pitting the community against the OP. Hopefully, for the sake of everyone, Zoe will look elsewhere for the help she exactly needs from a willing good samaritan.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp