When you visit another person's home, it's customary to be polite.
Not everybody will agree with other people's house rules or behaviors.
That's just life.
But is it proper to call out behavior that doesn't harm anyone just because you don't approve of it?
When people make a scene in other people's homes, it often doesn't go over well.
Redditor garbonzobean22 to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for defending my husband's stair-sitting habits?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My parents came over to visit me and my husband at our mid-sized house."
"They're great most of the time, but my mother is a bit of a perfectionist or narcissist."
"I don't know how to explain it, but she always tries to pick at something, no matter how minute or inconsequential, so she can show her 'superiority.'"
"Anyway, my husband has this quirk where he likes to hang out on the stairs."
"Sometimes he's on the landing, sometimes the top, sometimes the bottom."
"He'll sit, lie down, or even drape himself in weird positions."
"He's not hurting anyone—it's just him."
"It's his way of chilling, and honestly, I find it endearing."
"My mother was not a fan."
"She kept giving him side-eyes and finally said something like, 'Why is he sitting there? He's not a child. He can sit in the living room like an adult.'"
"I shrugged and told her, 'It's our house. He can sit however and wherever he wants.'"
"That set her off."
"She started going on about how it's 'weird' and 'not proper' and how it's embarrassing that he acts like this."
"I didn't budge—I wasn't about to tell my husband where he can or can't sit in his own home."
"Things escalated, and eventually, she stormed out in a full-on hissy fit, saying she wouldn't 'be a part of this nonsense.'"
"She took the car and went to a hotel in town, leaving my dad behind."
"The thing is, she has no reason to go upstairs, so it's not like my husband was disrupting her."
"He was just using his phone (sometimes he reads books on the stairs too, but not this weekend)."
"The only things upstairs are my husband's office, our room, and a small half bathroom, (a half bathroom is a bathroom without any bathing utilities, just a sink and toilet)."
"My dad and I had a great night catching up."
"He didn't care one bit about the 'stair thing' and just laughed it off."
"Now I'm left wondering if I was too harsh on my mom."
"I know she can be dramatic, but maybe I should've tried to smooth things over instead of digging my heels in."
"I get it's not traditional (I can't find the right word, correct, professional, formal?) but he's my family too, and it's our house."
"He can do whatever he likes."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. The only thing I can conclude from your story is that your mom really does find things to pick at so that she can obtain compliance and master the situation."
"So she found a thing to pick at, and she tried, and she failed, and it was a big shock, very uncomfortable, so she freaked out."
"It's 100% her fault."
"I would go forward as if nothing happened and let her bring it up if she must."
"Otherwise just ignore, as if she was a kid who had some strange tantrum and now it's done." ~ REDDIT
"NTA—setting boundaries with a critical parent isn't being harsh; it's protecting your family's autonomy." ~ mmillwee14
"And mom needs a shrink. NTA." ~ Organic_Start_420
"Making OP uncomfortable is the point."
"That's the mom's goal in these tantrums."
"Make everyone around her uncomfortable so they bow to her will, just to make it stop."
"'Mom, you're embarrassing yourself' takes that power away from her."
"It's a reaction of pity rather than the fear reaction she wants."
"It demonstrates that no one is uncomfortable other than her, and it highlights that she's the one being ridiculous and unhinged." ~ Kathrynlena
"NTA. I think you handled it perfectly."
"And I think this needs to happen more often; every time she picks at something kicking up a stink, the response should be calm, 'this is how we do things,' and let her leave."
"Don't chase after her, just carry on enjoying whatever is going on."
"Then when she comes back, don't make a big deal of it."
"Like nothing happened, no acknowledgment of her return and definitely no apologies."
"A narcissist doesn't like not being the center of everything, so if you stop buying into her drama, maybe she'll learn to behave... and if not, you get a few hours of peace while she sulks." ~ Rare_Sugar_7927
"Unfortunately, narcissists don't learn."
"There is no therapy that will fix them."
"Setting your rules and acceptable behavior is key."
"Not giving in and not making a big deal about it afterward is great, too."
"Good luck!" ~ yomamayeehaw
"NTA. It's super normal for kids of parents who do things like this to feel the need to smooth things over."
"Anxiety response - fight, flight, freeze, also fawn."
"Fawn, make things better, resolve the conflict, manage the parent's emotions."
"You aren't and never were responsible for the emotions of your parent."
"Her emotions are 100% hers to feel and to manage."
"She overreacted." ~ Meddlesome_Lasagna
"NTA, his house, he can drape himself over any part of it however he wants, including sleeping on the floor if he wants."
"Your house, your rules."
"Mom doesn't like it well then she is free to leave." ~ Advanced-Power991
"NTA... I grew up sitting on the stairs reading books."
"It's comfy to lean an elbow back resting on the stairs reading... like you said it's his home and your home and y'all can do in it what you like." ~ GuyFromLI747
"I sat and reclined on the basement stairs at my grandma's house growing up."
"I now sit on the back porch stairs when I get home from work a lot of times before going inside." ~ purrincesskittens
"I used to sit on the stairs at the train station when I took the train."
"My job let out at 4 and the next train in my direction wasn't till 5:45 and even now, I'll sit on my front steps in the summer because it's shaded and I love the breeze." ~ GuyFromLI747
"NTA. This is not your problem."
"Your father didn't feel the need to smooth things over and wasn't bothered by her leaving, so why should you be?"
"If your mom wants to visit with you, then she can return anytime she wants."
"Would you give in to a toddler having a tantrum about not getting sweets?" ~ Gertrude_D
"NTA. My cousin had a house with a somewhat closed-in kitchen."
"The stairs to the second story were to the side, so when we'd gather we'd just naturally gravitate to the steps so we could talk with whoever was in the kitchen."
"Even her dog, a black lab, would sit on the stairs with us, his butt on one step and his feet 2 steps lower."
"Nobody ever had a problem with it."
"Your mom would've hated it." ~ Seven_bushes
"NTA - You're an adult in your own house - you get to decide what's allowed and what isn't, and no one should make you feel uncomfortable in your own home."
"My mom taught me that establishing boundaries and keeping them is important, which is why she is no longer allowed to stay in our house after breaking ALL of the few house rules we set, and overstaying her welcome without asking."
"It was supposed to be three days, but somewhere in her planning it turned into a week."
"Would have been nice to know."
"I still love her and we still get along just fine."
"I'm a counter-sitter myself, and NO ONE is going to tell me I can't sit on the kitchen counter in my own home!" ~ ProbablySomeJerk
"Is the location of the stairs next to the common areas/wherever you and mom were visiting?"
"I ask because while it's his home and he can do whatever he wants, if Mom was able to keep looking at him it almost seems it might come across as him being a bit weird, lingering, lurking, not wanting to be a part of visiting yet needing to ensure he hears everything."
"That could make some people uncomfortable. NTA." ~ theferal1
"NTA. Good for you!"
"Please notice your mother spun herself into a frenzy and your father did not engage."
"You can also refuse to participate in her little dramatics."
"Of course, your husband can sit where he wants."
"I think her subtext was, why hasn't your husband come and take a seat in the living room to talk with me as a formal guest?"
"Not an unreasonable expectation from a parent, but also, not crucial to confirm."
"It seems like he was close enough to participate if he wanted to or you wanted him to." ~ Only-Memory2627
"NTA. Yep, you tried to set a boundary with a narcissist."
"You just witnessed the results."
"It's called an 'Extinction Outburst,' when a narcissist doesn't get the expected result from a comment, they immediately escalate in an attempt to get the intended result."
"She actually went into a full-blown tantrum, so just treat her like a three-year-old from now on."
"She gets a time-out until she can respect others.
"No, don't 'smooth things over.'"
"That is rewarding her bad behavior."
"She doesn't get to disrespect you and your husband in your house."
"I get your husband."
"I used to do that too when I had a place with stairs."
"I think I may be part cat sometimes, it's oddly comforting to sit up high and watch the world below." ~ WhereWeretheAdults
"NTA. She picked a fight and lost."
"She did not have to leave, that was her choice." ~ gastropod43
"NTA but you need to set some stronger boundaries with your mom and stop excusing your behavior."
"If you and your husband decide to have kids at some point are you going to tolerate her acting like this to children?"
"Because it's absolute nonsense."
"Your husband shouldn't be disrespected in his own home." ~ giantbrownguy
"NTA. Your mom was totally out of line and you were totally correct."
"Your husband was doing nothing wrong."
"It sounds like this was not out of character for her to throw a hissy fit over something ridiculous."
"If it wasn't the stair sitting, she probably would have found some other minor quibble to get upset about."
"You were likely trained throughout childhood to 'smooth things over' and give in to her, and she was counting on your compliance with her demand."
"You were completely correct in showing a spine and refusing to give in."
"It's great to start this now, in a low-stakes situation at home, rather than starting it at a formal event or special occasion."
"Keep it up!" ~ NapalmAxolotl
"NTA, your house, your rules."
"Let her sulk it out." ~ NovasVale
"NTA. Is it weird that he does that?"
"Yeah pretty much."
"Sitting I can understand but how does he lie?"
"But I don't see how it's 'not proper' however."
"I'm assuming because it's weird, it bothered her, which is ok, but it's not ok that she created drama over it."
"I'm sure she has weird habits that would annoy other people, but they are polite and don't tell her to her face nor push their ideas onto her." ~ Archkat
"NTA. Your mom seems to have a problem understanding why people do things that she doesn't deem normal."
"This causes her anxiety until she has to get away from what is happening."
"You did the right thing."
"Continue defending your husband until mom understands that it's husband's normal even if it's not mom's."
"Besides being normal is overrated, abnormal makes life more interesting." ~ wlfwrtr
"NTA. She stormed out and checked in at a hotel over her son-in-law sitting on the stairs."
"In his own house."
"Good for you for backing up your husband!" ~ Sambamthankyousam2
"NTA but it is weird he chooses to sit in strange positions on the stairs while talking to guests who are also not sitting on the stairs."
"Like, that's definitely strange and I would find it uncomfortable." ~ IntsyBitsy
It's your house OP.
Yours and your hubby's.
Y'all are allowed to sit wherever, whenever... HOWever.
Reddit wants your hubby to be happy on the stairs.
Perhaps your Dad can talk to your Mom for you, then maybe she'll calm down.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp