Everyone deserves the right to privacy.
An expectant mother who was ailing in the hospital wanted to fly under the radar, but unfortunately, she didn't have control over the matter.
When she confronted the issue, family tensions arose and caused her to visit the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
There, Redittor nipplepizzaz asked:
"AITA for asking my parents to stop telling people I am in hospital?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
Hi all. I (25 f[female]) am currently pregnant and have been admitted to hospital a few days ago for a suspected clot in my lung following severe chest pain. I am still in hospital right now."
"A few weeks ago, my wonderful maternal grandfather passed from cancer and we are obviously as a family still upset."
The OP had a backstory to share for context.
"2.5 years ago I was in a car accident. I broke my back in 3 places, my pelvis, and 3 ribs. It was during COVID so I was admitted to hospital and had loads of scans all through the day/night. Once they figured that I didn't need corrective surgery they discharged me the following morning with morphine tablets and a wheelchair."
"I came out of hospital to around 100 messages from people I barely knew wishing me well. My mum and stepdad had posted pictures of my wrecked car on Facebook and told everyone they knew about the accident and specifics about my injuries."
"At the time I asked them to take down the posts as I did not want people knowing all about my personal life. They never took the posts down."
The OP continued:
"Today my friend told me that my mum has been sending messages into group chats telling people that I am pregnant and in hospital. My stepdad told his family the same."
"I have told them that my husband and I want to share the news ourselves. I told them that I was so hurt and disappointed that they have told people and also lied to me about it. I pointed out the lie and told them that I had again, received messages from others proving that they lied."
"My mum then sent me a voice note of her crying saying 'sorry I don't know what I have done but I am sorry. I must be the worst mother in the world. I am just so upset about Pappa too.' It was hard to hear her so upset by I just reiterated that asking for privacy was not too much to ask."
Tension was further exacerbated with an additional message.
"My stepdad who I have been very close to also sent me a voice note telling me that 'they don't need this stress' and to stop being so hateful over something so 'trivial'. He told me that I was clearly hormonal but that he'll 'let it slide this time' because I am pregnant."
"He told me that my mum has cried for over 30 mins and it's all my fault and that it's all over nothing. Also, that they told other people because they are worried about me. He said they will never apologise as they haven't done anything wrong."
"He also said that I am the daughter he never had and that he loves me but that he is so disappointed in my behaviour."
The OP then shared what she told her mother upon learning about the dishonesty.
The original message that started this sent to my mum:
"Sorry it's just I've had messages from people today wishing me well in hospital so I know you lied about who you have told about me being here. I am just hurt and disappointed as I would have much preferred privacy."
"I don't feel like sharing any more because I don't know who you are both sharing it with and it has actually made me being in hospital much more stressful."
"I might be TA because we are all grieving and emotions are running high. I also don't feel like they told other people in a malicious way, just thoughtless. So, AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA. THEY don't need the stress?!? Give me a break! Perhaps the person hospitalized doesn't need the stress! You're pregnant, so it's two lives on the line here."
"How can they possibly believe their 'stress' of you being upset at them could possibly compare to the actual stress you're under? They are selfish attention seekers." – TitaniaT-Rex
"Don't tell them anything. My mom was like that, had to over share EVERYTHING. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I didn't tell her for over a year. I didn't need her daily drama, and I didn't want her telling people I had never met. And she didn't have social media."
"Information diet until they learn to keep your news private." – RepublicTop1690
"This is heartbreaking you should be able to rest and recover and share what's going on with YOU when YOU want! Not to add to this but from personal experience maybe cut them off for the short term till you are better healed. Stress could really worsen your condition and put you and your baby at risk."
"If they can't respect your wishes and what they are doing is only stressing you don't allow it to continue and say something like 'I love you guys but till I'm home and in better health you really need to respect my wish for privacy or ill have to keep some distance from you while I heal.'"
"From the bottom of my heart I wish you nothing but positivity, understanding, and good health!" – PeacheePanda
"Let your nurses know, too, that you don't want any updates given over the phone to family members. They've dealt with situations like this before and they'll put a note on your chart."
"Your mom seems like the kind of mom who will call the ward demanding information/pretending to be someone else/etc when you won't give her your private medical info." – whofilets
"NTA. Basically don't tell them anything you don't want spread around everyone you know. You've now had 2 instances where they have proven they can't respect your privacy and they will tell everyone everything that's going on with you. They've stolen your opportunity to announce your own pregnancy."
"If you find out the gender, do not tell them as everyone will be told. If you have a name you like, do not tell them, as everyone will know and have an opinion on it. If you don't want people to know your medical condition...do not tell them anything."
"Also, they are gaslighting you into feeling guilty because you've called them out on their bullsh*t. They know they've been disrespectful sharing your pregnancy, and your health condition, but they don't care. I think they actually enjoy the attention they are getting, messages of concern and sympathy etc."
"They don't care they've upset you, so they are trying to make you feel guilty for calling them out on it making it seem like it's due to concern, but it's not. It's selfishness and disrespectful and attention seeking."
"Do not tell them anything you don't want spread round online to everyone." – Poppypie77
"NTA. They overstepped your reasonable boundaries and are using your misfortune for personal attention. Then playing victim when you call them out."
"You really should read Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents." – OlympiaShannon
"NTA."
"They weren't just being thoughtless. You said they didn't take the posts down after you said you didn't like it the first time. Your mom is manipulative -- instead of simply apologizing like a nice person would, she jumps to the 'oh-poor-terrible-me-ploy.' And it IS a ploy to distract."
"Stepdad is being an AH. You should tell him you're disappointed in HIM."
"They didn't advertise what happened to you to help YOU -- they advertised it for support because they were feeling highly stressed over it: a pregnant daughter/stepdaughter hospitalized for a possible blood clot in her chest is frightening."
"That piece is kind of understandable. BUT tell them to share for support with only a close friend/family member, not on social media with the world."
"Also, point out if they're going to lie to you without even an apology, you can't trust them, so they will get minimal private information in the future."
"And if anything else stressful does happen, remind them quickly it's not for social media consumption."
"edit: Or even to share in general until you do." – rootveggiesbaby
Overall, Redditors thought the OP's request for her mother not to let people know about her current situation was warranted and that the stepfather wasn't being helpful by reprimanding her for upsetting her mother.
Hopefully, the OP's mom will eventually understand how much stress she is causing and will respect her daughter's wishes.
Redditors also suggested that the OP not divulge any substantive information to the family in the future, given the mother's history of oversharing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp