One can never be too sure what a relationship between stepparents and stepchildren is going to be.
After all, stepparents are filling a void left by their stepchild's natural parent, which doesn't guarantee acceptance.
Thankfully, with love and support, it is often only a matter of time before a child views their stepparent as one of their real parents.
What gets overlooked more often is whether or not the rest of a stepparent's family will welcome this new stepchild into their lives.
Redditor Dependent_Tax7341 viewed and treated their stepdaughter as a blood relation.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s mother was less accepting of her daughter's stepdaughter, choosing to show her disapproval in a very specific way.
Things came to a head at a recent family gathering, where the original poster felt there was only one thing to do.
Wondering if she went too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for leaving my mother's party after she insulted my daughter?"
The OP explained how she and her mother became seemingly estranged:
"I (36 F[emale]) have a stepdaughter (14 F), 'Anna'.
'Her father and I married when Anna was two."
"I consider her to be my real daughter in every way that matters, and I love her just as much as my biological children."
"Most of my family adores Anna; she's a very sweet and hardworking girl who does her best to make them proud."
"However, my mother (55 F) appears to not."
"She's never outright said that she dislikes my daughter or why, but I've always thought it's because Anna wasn't my biological child."
"I've been teaching Anna to cook for a few years now."
"She asked me last year if she could start bringing her cooking to family gatherings and potlucks, and of course I agreed."
"My mother started critiquing Anna's dishes."
"It began with just suggesting she add different spices or cook an ingredient a little longer, but over the past few months it's been getting worse."
"She doesn't criticize the dishes of any family members."
"This Thanksgiving, she told Anna that the casserole she made was disgusting and inedible."
"I told my mother to stop criticizing Anna and that she was doing her best, but she just brushed me off, which was the final straw."
"My family was in town this week to celebrate my mother's birthday."
"I had some curry that my mother had made about six months ago and given to me to freeze, so I reheated it and brought it to the party and told everyone Anna had worked very hard to make it just like her grandmother always did."
"Immediately, my mother started criticizing the curry, saying how Anna had added too much spice and overcooked the chicken."
"She even went so far as to tell Anna that she should stop bringing food to potlucks altogether."
"I hadn't originally intended to make a big deal out of this, but that comment crossed a line."
"I informed my mother that it was her own curry that I had reheated, and Anna had not actually cooked it."
"She immediately started sputtering and backpedaled, saying she was just trying to give constructive criticism and make Anna a better cook, but I knew she didn't really believe it."
"I asked her why she would treat my own stepdaughter so badly, and she admitted that she didn't see Anna as her real grandchild."
"This was the final straw for me."
"I found my husband, Anna, and my other children and told them we had to leave, explaining what my mother said."
"We probably won't be attending any family gatherings for the foreseeable future either."
"My mother has gone full scorched-earth on Facebook, and most family members have taken her side."
"She says that I ruined her party by leaving and that I destroyed our relationship for someone who isn't even my 'real' child."
"My husband is on my side, but he thinks that we shouldn't have left the party since I'd already proven my point."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
There was no doubt in the Reddit community's mind that the OP was most definitely not the a**Hole for leaving the party.
Everyone agreed that the OP only did what every mother should, which was stand up for and protect her daughter:
"NTA here."
"You're not just sticking up for Anna, but you're protecting her from what amounts to verbal abuse."
"Plus, you're drawing a line with your mom that some behavior isn't acceptable."
"That's always a good line to take, especially with parents and in-laws that don't get the idea that they can't do whatever they want and treat people like crap with impunity."- wndrgrl555
"I'm a stepdaughter."
"My stepmom is just like you."
"You have no idea what this means to Anna."
"NTA."- Low_Permission7278
"NTA."
"You chose to be Anna's mother, and you are."
"You mother is a huge AH attacking her for no reason other than she doesn't see her as a 'real' grandchild."
"Go very limited contact to no contact with her and anyone else that has an issue."
"Anna did nothing to deserve all that. Hopefully she keeps cooking and baking and doesn't let those comments affect her."- adamhawley
"That's a horrible thing to say and totally exposed the bullying."
"Why would you stick around after an insult like that?"
"I would leave too when you are made to feel so unwelcome."
"Family isn't just blood."
"My mother is adopted and she kind of struggles with that to this day (her adoptive and bio mothers are both passed)."
"On my dad's side, his wife doesn't really accept me or my brother, so we have no relationship with his wife at all."
"It's hard with blended families."
"Sorry no magic answers, but NTA."- BJL123
"NTA."
"You did the right thing standing up for Anna."
"It's super important to support your kids, bio or not, especially when someone's being unfairly critical."
"Your mom needs to understand that family isn't just about blood relations, it's about love and support."
"Hopefully, she'll realize her mistake and make amends."
"Until then, you're totally justified in protecting Anna from that negativity."- KateSweetiepuss
"NTA."
"I do think your husband is the a**hole for wanting to stay when someone is so clearly rude and excluding yours and his daughter."- Tiny_Knowledge2752
"NTA."
"Protect your family."
"Go NC with anyone that doesn't respect you."
"Toxic people suck."- PlantManMD
"NTA."
"If your mother is prepared to treat a young person like that is best to keep all the children away, she's a nasty mess."- Acceptable_Bunch_586
"NTA."
"Screw that cold, bitter woman."
"She's trying to abuse that poor kid, and you're being the stepmom that every Disney princess needs."
"5/5 stars for you."- ThickboyBrilliant
"NTA."
"This was always going to escalate to this point, be it now or in the future."
"Your test proved to you exactly what has been happening the whole time - your mother holds a bitter grudge against a child."
"Think about that - she's being unreasonable to a child bc that child has your love and support but not your DNA?"
"It's ridiculous."
"Your husband is under-reacting; he should be putting his wife and daughters' peace of mind ahead of keeping his MIL happy."
"You made a decision to leave for valid reasons."- Tree_Chemistry_Plz
"NTA."
"You're Anna's mother by choice."
"Like all good mothers, you stood up for your child."
"Hubby is wrong that you'd made your point."
"Your mother doesn't see Anna as family, so why should you stay and subject Anna to this?"
"Ask Anna if she's grateful you stood up for her."
"If this had been a one-off, perhaps leaving would be premature, but your mother has been bullying your daughter for what sounds like years."- KookyChoice4000
"NTA you did good for Anna standing up for her like that."
"You're definitely a great mother."
"Some people seem to think that blood is more important than love when it comes to family, and that's just sad, to say the least."
"You and Anna did not spoil anything. Your mother did it herself."
"I bet she didn't even taste the curry before saying such awful things."
"And if she did, then she's made herself her own critic."
"I think you should go NC with your mother for a while and all those who side with her."
"No gathering is worth being around toxic people."- MusicalBlossom379
"NTA."
"It's crazy that there's grown a** adults out there that have beef with literal children."- Snackdoc189
It's rather hard to fathom how any adult would treat any child the way the OP's mother treated Anna.
Let alone that her mother would treat a family member that way.
The OP's mother should know that blood relations do not define a family.
Based on her behavior, Anna seems to be a truer family member than the OP's mother can ever hope to be.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp