There are a lot of in-law jokes, but part of the humor comes from people's ability to relate to the situation.
When a person gets married, they join a group of people who have a lifetime of interactions shaping their behavior and relationships.
Anyone coming into that environment will be at a disadvantage. Having a strong ally in their significant other is crucial to the marriage's survival.
A relative newlywed turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
No-Situation2950 asked:
"AITA for telling my husband I don't want his mom to stay with us for two months in our one-bedroom apartment?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (31, female) husband (30, male) and I have been married for a few months. His father passed away recently, and understandably, his mother is grieving."
"My husband and his sister have been trying to support her. The issue is this: my mother-in-law may come stay with us for two months in our one-bedroom apartment."
"Our apartment is small. I work from home full-time, we have a cat, and we only have one bathroom. My husband works in-office three days a week."
"My husband suggested setting up a futon for her in the living room. But still. She's really gonna sleep like that for 2 months and share the living room with our cat? My cat isn't going anywhere and she doesn't like cats."
"And I'm certainly not giving up my bedroom so she can share the bed with my husband—my room being the only piece of sanity I'll have."
"His sister and her husband are also expecting their in-laws to visit during that time, so they can't host the mother-in-law, and the MIL apparently doesn't feel comfortable around them anyway. So she wants to stay with us—even though we have less space and privacy."
"I initially asked for a six-month buffer before having family stay over long-term—just so we could adjust to marriage and living together. That boundary was acknowledged verbally, but now it's being brushed aside because of 'family duty'."
"I said I'd be okay with a 3-week visit, but anything longer feels really overwhelming, especially in such a small space. I've also suggested an Airbnb, which I could probably help pay for, but my husband and his sister don't see that as reasonable."
"Now I feel like I have only three options: 1. Say yes and live in stress for 2 months 2. Move to a two-bedroom (which we can't afford right now) 3. Leave."
"My husband says I'm catastrophizing and making this harder than it is. But I feel like I'm being emotionally blackmailed—that if I don't agree, I'm cruel, ungrateful, or selfish."
"I don't hate my MIL. However, she did fat-shame me the day after my wedding and expects me to help with domestic duties without asking my husband to lift a finger."
"I mostly just value having boundaries and privacy, especially during a vulnerable time in our marriage. I've tried to compromise but feel completely cornered."
"AITA for standing firm on not wanting a 2-month stay in our one-bedroom apartment—even after a death in the family?"
The OP later added:
"She is currently staying with—and can stay with—my husband's sister who has the space, but she doesn't want to during that time, since her daughter's in-laws will be visiting for 1.5-2 months, hence the duration for her staying with us."
"My MIL herself has said she just wants to stay with my husband/her son. His mother is highly dependent on others. She relied on her husband for everything. We're South Asian."
"I told my husband prior to marriage that I would not be OK living with my in-laws."
"My husband keeps changing the goalposts. I understand it's a tragic situation and everyone is in shock."
"But I deserve some clear boundaries and timelines which he just is unable to provide me. I told him I'd be comfortable with a month maximum given the tight space, and he said, 'too bad, she has to come for 2 months'."
"I just don't think I am being taken into consideration at all, so my empathy—which is usually very vast—is running dry."
"This has also caused so much tension between my husband and me simply because I have severe anxiety, and he won't give me any timelines or confirmations of anything. The uncertainty is too much for me."
"Because I have no probably going to stay with my family but I need a timeline for that."
The OP summed up their situation.
"My husband wants his mom to stay with us, and I'm saying no. I wanna know if I'm the a**hole for having boundaries."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You need to stand your ground here. Frankly, your husband's lack of any consideration for you and your concerns should be more concerning to you than anything else."
"You have a small apartment you work from home, he works from home a couple of days a week, how in the hell are you supposed to function properly at work in a small apartment with her there all the time?"
"And by the way, you should tell him that she can't even spend one night in your apartment unless he make sure that she stops the f*cking comments about your body or acting like you're responsible for all the domestic chores."
"There's a lot of red flags in this. But what comes through is your husband's complete lack of any respect or consideration for you there's a way here to compromise and help his mother while also making sure that you're comfortable in your own home." ~ BestConfidence1560
"NTA. Tell your husband he's welcome to go stay with his mom in her home in for 2 months."
"Alone working from home in a one-bedroom apartment makes it impossible for her to stay with you. If you have meetings and confidential discussions, she isn't allowed to hear them." ~ Organic_Start_420
"I just had to read the title to know you're not the a-hole. That's a big crazy ask.. and tell him you can do a month around when his sister can do a month.. she can stay with relatives at home for awhile before/after.... ask a girlfriend if you can stay over for a week in the middle."
"You're not catastrophizing... this is unreasonable... I get it's a s***** situation, but like I think his 2 months may turn into forever. If there's no long-term plan after these two months? I think you're the long-term plan... this is a hill you can die on."
"We have a one bedroom apartment, 1 bath, 1 cat. I'm happy to have my out-of-town friends stay overnight, but really, even one or two nights feels like a big imposition. It is just not enough space... NTA." ~ vron987
"She's never going to leave. Speaking about family duty reiterated this."
"The fact is that this is marriage ending as you are being shown by all of them exactly where they see you. Did they not have plans in place if this scenario happened? Most probably exactly what they are doing now."
"NTA, but you are surrounded by them." ~ Irish_EyesDublin
"NTA, but I don't think that's going to matter much here. I would be willing to bet that the verbal agreement you got about long-term family stays was lip service, that your husband knew this was going to happen sooner rather than later, and that you would have to adjust to it and accept it."
"That's an unkind read on your husband, but insisting on three adults living in your one-bedroom apartment when there are other options, just not preferred ones, is unreasonable. "
"So, realize that she is coming, whether you like it or not, and that you know your options and have to make a choice. I do want to point out that I don't think that the space of a two-bedroom is going to solve the problems you see, and that you should remove it from consideration."
"So, stay and suffer or leave. I'm sorry OP, but the writing should have been on the wall prior to FIL's death, and this situation just makes it imminent." ~ rockology_adam
The OP provided an update:
"Husband finally talked to MIL to try and put his foot down and told her if she MUST come then he'll get her an Airbnb and he'll stay with her there so I can have my peace and WFH undisturbed."
"And she responded with, 'better I just go back to India. I was just coming for you two. Tell her I'm not a child, I won't make noise. You guys are gonna be together for a long time so you better figure this out'."
"Husband and I have decided on separation, mutually. He'll be moving out by the end of the month so his mommy has a place to stay with just him—not me—indefinitely. My peace of mind and privacy are too important to me."
In a separate post, the OP shared:
"My husband I were together for over a year before getting married. It's been six months since the wedding. We're both South Asian, living in Canada."
"On the surface, we looked compatible, like two intellectual, emotionally intense people. But the truth is, I've been unraveling from the inside out trying to make this work."
"He lied about watching porn for two months of our relationship and gaslit me hard about it, even going so far as to say he wasn't watching it and instead drinking more coffee at work—he'd watch it in the single stall bathroom at his office."
"I found out he had been hiding it, and when I confronted him, he admitted he used to fantasize about women who had rejected him even while having sex with me. That shattered me. I felt like a placeholder, a body for him to use while his mind wandered elsewhere. I gave him my body, my loyalty, my care, and it still wasn't enough."
"Eventually he stopped, but only after enough emotional damage had been done to hollow me out. I kept forgiving. I kept trying to believe we could heal. He recently admitted he was only honest cause he wanted to break up with me."
"Before we got married, his mother told him he should abandon me in Canada and come back to India. She said he should marry someone younger because I'm his age and 'look older than him'. He told me this as if it were a joke. He never stood up for me."
"She later fat-shamed me the day after our wedding and told me my anxiety wasn't real, that I just needed to pray it away. Again, he defended her. Again, I was told to be the bigger person."
"When his father died, I tried to be there for him. But instead of grieving with me, he demanded that his mother move into our one-bedroom apartment. I said no, I was struggling too, and needed space."
"He told me to 'get the f*ck out of his house' if I didn't agree to contribute more financially so we could get a two-bedroom for her. At the time, only his name was on the lease. I've since added myself. And now, he's the one leaving."
"He made fun of my work. Mocked my Instagram. Dismissed my anxiety. If I cried, I was manipulative. If I asked for reassurance, I was clingy. If I pulled away, I was abandoning him. Every boundary I tried to set was twisted into proof that I was difficult, unstable, or too much."
"I started getting physically sick from the stress. Gut issues, panic attacks, insomnia. I stopped sleeping. I stopped feeling safe in my own body. I was constantly walking on eggshells around someone who claimed to love me."
"We've now agreed to a trial separation. He's moving out this week. We said we'd 'see how it goes', but I already know."
"I don't hate him. But I hate what I became in this marriage. I feel grief. I feel relief. I feel like I'm finally telling the truth!"
While it's admirable to want to help a grieving mother, this is a big ask.
Particularly in a one-bedroom apartment... and the OP's past history with her MIL.
Getting fat-shamed at your wedding by your MIL is a hard thing to forgive or forget.
Perhaps MIL should appreciate the generous offer to stay for three weeks by her DIL.
But we completely understand why the OP would want a trial separation given all the deep issues in her marriage.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp