Your upbringing often has a bigger effect on your societal views than you’re willing to admit. While we all understand that somethings are a product of “how we’re raised,” it’s rare for humans to deep dive into exactly what that means.
A Redditor, throwswaynannies899, had to ask himself that question after a conversation with his girlfriend. The original poster (OP) was unsure if he acted wrong, and so asked the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about it.
“AITA for telling my girlfriend her Nannies were paid to raise her?”
He recounted the events that led to this:
“I (21m[ale]) have a girlfriend named Anna (21f[emale]) who comes from a very rich family while I came from a middle class family and while I did grow up with a lot of privileges none of them were in the same level as hers.”
“Anna grew up in a home where house staff, nannies and body guards were common place and while she’s a very nice and down to earth person she always had a very sheltered reality. For example, she’s the kind of person who has a savings account, doesn’t eat out every day and regularly donates to charity but thinks that apple products are perfect gifts for whenever she doesn’t know what to get someone.”
“A few days back we were talking about holidays and I asked her how she spent mother’s day, since her Mother died when she was a baby and her father never remarried. She just said that the only unusual thing she did on mother’s day was that she visited her mom’s grave in the morning with her father.”
“I got confused by that then I asked her how she spent the rest of the day and she mentioned that growing up she would make cards and give them to the Nannies and they would spend the day playing and eating the sweets she asked her father to order.”
“I just kinda laughed at that point and she asked me what I was laughing about, then I told her ‘You know the Nannies were just doing their jobs, right’ she got annoyed and told me that she knew but they raised and loved her and the least she could do was to give them their due.”
“Annnd that’s where I think I might be the a**hole.”
“After she told me that I joked ‘Yeah, I bet the fat paycheck certainly helped them to love you’ because when I said that she got quiet, grabbed her things and left.”
“Since them she’s been cold towards me and told me she’s rethinking our relationship but I really think she’s overreacting.”
“What do you guys think, am I the a**hole?”
On AITA, people are judged with four voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody sucks here
It was quickly determined that nearly everyone thought OP was the a**hole here.
“YTA – speaking as a nanny, wow!? You’re not just an arse hole you’re nasty.”
“The paycheck pays my bills it doesn’t make me love my charges any more or less.”
“You literally told your girlfriend people were paid to love her.”
“You owe her the biggest apology and months of begging for forgiveness.” – sjjskqoneiq9Mk
“YTA – just because you can’t imagine having any affection for someone that you work with doesn’t mean that is impossible for everyone. Nannies can love, don’t gatekeep the feelings of the caretakers who were filling an important role formerly occupied by your girlfriend’s DEAD MOTHER.” – finchdad
“It’s mind boggling that someone can be totally devoid of empathy.”
“No one is a nanny because they love the fat paychecks and the paychecks aren’t typically that fat. They do it because they like kids.” – astrobuckeye
You’d be hard pressed to find a comment that disagreed.
“There was zero reason to say that. It feels like you want her to feel bad just because she had privileges you didn’t. YTA” – GlaxenFlux
“As a former nanny, YTA. I was with a family for two years, and I CRIED my last day with them when I left for a job in my career field.”
“You spend so much time investing and loving on the kids that they almost feel like they’re your own. Sure, it’s a paycheck, but you don’t stick around if you don’t love the kids you’re working with.”
“Way to tell your girlfriend that the people who raised her never cared about her.” – behavior_and_coffee
The consensus on the subReddit was so complete OP took it to heart and learned a lesson.
Though he may have learned it too late.
In an update, OP explained what happened between him and his girlfriend.
“So, after I posted my post and saw how it blew up with everyone ripping me a new one I was still skeptical but then after I read some comments doing a breakdown of my post and pointing out how bad was the sh*t I said I started to think that maybe I was in the wrong.”
“Then I started receiving messages from many actual incels saying that they agree with me. After those messages I saw that yeah, I’m an a**hole”
“I went and apologized to my girlfriend. Told her I was being an ignorant, spiteful, malicious dumba** (Quoted some of you guys lol) and that I want her to know that what I said was bullsh*t and that even if she never forgave she should know that I was just being a jerk for the heck of it and she did nothing wrong.”
“She told me she knew that I was speaking out of my a** and forgave me for what I said, but decided to dump me anyway.”
“If things go well we’ll still be friends.”
“If not, at the least we’re parting ways amicably.”
“She’ll be fine, said she’ll go and spend time with her father back at home for a while. I decided to stay single until I sorted out my own issues and that’s it.”
“Believe it or not but I read every single reply and saw how wrong I was about nannies and by default all care workers. I won’t justify what I said because I think it would be a cheap attempt to erase that I was a grade-A c*nt, but I will apologize anyway.”
“Sorry for being an ignorant, dismissive, dehumanizing, classistic jerk who dismissed the emotional aspect of these type of jobs. No one has to forgive but I want to apologize anyway.”
“Well, thank you all for input and insults. I very much needed them.”
While it may not have been the best ending to hope for, it was a better way to end than it might have been. OP has learned something about himself to reflect on and in time can learn to appreciate the experiences of others.
OP’s ex-girlfriend learned something as well, even if it was something she didn’t want to learn. It’s important to know these things about potential future partners.
They parted, even if amicably, and whether or not they get back together, it sounds like the thing that needed to happen right now.