Every generation of parents carries with it different goals and beliefs about parenting and raising children who will grow to be contributing members of society.
Some parents in the current wave are very concerned about free thinking, independence, and physical and societal freedom, but there are potential consequences to going so dramatically against the grain, cautioned the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor AppointmentOk2025’s sister was practicing what she called “gentle parenting” while emphasizing free expression, both emotionally and physically, which made it difficult for her daughter to maintain friendships.
When the Original Poster (OP) started trying to teach his niece some manners, she was incredibly receptive to the idea, but his sister was furious, accused him of oppressing her, and banned him from future babysitting.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for secretly teaching my niece manners because my sister is raising her to be ‘free’?”
The OP questioned his sister’s style of parenting.
“My sister (33 Female) is into this weird parenting thing where she lets her daughter, Riley (7 Female), do literally anything.”
“She calls it ‘gentle parenting,’ but honestly, it just feels like no rules at all. Riley screams at strangers, throws food at people, talks over everyone, and barks at waiters (yes, that happened).”
“My sister just smiles and says, ‘She’s expressing herself,’ and things like, ‘I don’t want to limit her personality.'”
The OP started slowly but surely teaching his niece some manners.
“I (27 Male) babysit her maybe twice a month. After a few times of getting food thrown at me and her yelling at my face, I decided to start teaching her some basic manners.”
“I just taught her very simple things like saying please and thank you, waiting your turn, not hitting people, that kinda stuff. I didn’t make it a big deal, just small things while I was watching her.”
The OP’s niece was incredibly receptive to the feedback.
“The thing is… she didn’t fight it. The first time I asked her to say thank you, she just said, ‘Okay,’ and moved on.”
“The next time, she asked me if ‘being polite makes people like you.'”
“Another time, she said, ‘I don’t yell with you.’ That one kinda hit me.”
But the OP’s sister was furious when she found out what he was doing.
“Then last week at dinner, she corrected my sister and said, ‘You forgot to say please.'”
“My sister flipped out. She said I’m ‘colonizing her daughter’s mind’ and ‘teaching her to be submissive to authority’ or whatever.”
“She banned me from babysitting and made this long Facebook post about how I ‘undermined her parenting.’ Now all her crunchy mom friends are in the comments calling me controlling and toxic.”
“Now Riley keeps asking when she can see me again.”
“My mom’s on my side. My sister’s husband is staying out of it.”
“I kinda feel bad but also don’t?? I just didn’t want my niece to grow up acting like a psycho in public, and she seemed happy when I was teaching her the basics.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some felt terrible for the niece when she wondered if manners would help people like her.
“The part that stood out to me was ‘being polite makes people like you.'”
“It makes me think she has no friends.”
“NTA.” – Unlikely-Shop5114
“Honestly, if she throws food, hits, barks at strangers etc., she probably doesn’t have friends or many people who are even willing to tolerate being around her.”
“IF she’s in school, which is a big f**king if, because if basic manners is ‘colonizing her mind,’ god knows what OP’s insane sister thinks education is, I’d bet there’s some form of Unschooling going on, I’m sure the other kids are going to avoid her like the plague.”
“If she’s homeschooling, the only other families likely to be willing to tolerate her basically running feral are probably as bad, and their kids equally as socially unequipped and unable to treat people well enough to make friends.”
“At some point, this is actual neglect. She’s raising a child who is going to be utterly unequipped to function in the world.” – mhmcmw
“This little girl looking up to her uncle and asking him if having manners will help more people like her hit me so hard.”
“That poor kid. She doesn’t need to ‘express herself,’ she needs a parent who gives enough of a damn to show her how to behave in society and not end up shunned by everyone else.”
“And honestly, that goes for her dad, too. You don’t get to ‘stay out of’ parenting your own kid. They’re setting the poor girl up for failure in life.” – HoldFastO2
“Peer relationships are critical for young children’s development. If she’s not able to make friends now, it’s going to get harder and harder, because she’ll have missed the building blocks of friendship that the other kids have already learned.”
“For what it’s worth, we gentle-parent, and it does not mean letting your kid do whatever they want. It’s having firm boundaries and holding those boundaries while also being respectful to your child. Makes me CRAZY when people interpret it like this.” – mrsgrabs
“My husband has a friend (I can’t stand the guy, admittedly) with a daughter just a few months younger than our son. The daughter has zero boundaries, absolutely none. She simply doesn’t recognize social cues; at the age of eight, she should know some by now.”
“The parents are no longer together, the Mom is overwhelmed with four other kids, and the Dad is a useless piece of s**t who corrects nothing and takes his daughter to friends’ houses when he has her so he can sit on his a** and the friends’ kids just sort of ‘babysit.'”
“But no one likes this poor kid. My son is a very social child, but even he shrinks away from the Daughter because he just doesn’t know how to handle her.”
“When she had a birthday party, not one of her classmates came (my husband took our son, and he was the only one who went other than some family cousins). That broke my heart. I can’t personally stand her, but I also know that no one is teaching her anything, so it’s not her fault.”
“I hurt for the OP’s niece that she’ll probably face the same fate, and because she’s asking the OP for feedback, it’s clear that she cares.”
“Also, OP is NTA.” – MyCatSpellsBetter
Others agreed and said setting boundaries is key to showing children love.
“NTA. Boundaries feel like love to children because they are.”
“You demonstrated to her that someone gives a crap about her and whatever she may or may not do. Someone cares.”
“You gave her more than manners, OP. You probably gave her some confidence and some self-esteem, too.” – Imaginary-Style918
“Children crave discipline, order, and consistency to help make sense of the big world as they mature. That structure builds trust. NTA at all.” – RoyaltyN188
“I have a stepkid, and we enforce pretty standard rules/boundaries at our house (lately I’ve been harping on chewing with one’s mouth closed and not talking with food in your mouth), and her mother very clearly wants to be seen as the ‘fun’ parent with few rules, and they are all very codependent over there.”
“But we maintain consistent expectations at our house and encourage her to be independent, and I truly think she appreciates the stability and consistency in expectations.”
“Also, notice that this little girl is asking over and over when she’ll get to see her uncle again, even though he’s ‘controlling and toxic’ and making her be ‘submissive.’ She’s craving the attention and care he gives her, and she’s craving the structure, whether her mother likes it or not.” – Resident_Delay_2936
“NTA. My dad was a guidance counselor with a master’s. He said children seek boundaries to feel safe. Once they know where the boundaries are, they know they are safe if they stay within them. It is a disservice not to provide those boundaries.” – Alisa-Stoll
“I wish this kind of neglect was seen and prosecuted as the crime it is. Morally, is there really that much difference between refusing to teach your kid a single social skill so they can’t function in the world and can’t leave you, and physically chaining them up so they can’t leave you?” – oceanteeth
“Yeah, that’s not gentle parenting. The OP is NTA.”
“Gentle parenting is just teaching through conversations and logical consequences rather than strict rules and punishment. OP is gentle parenting, and the niece wants that because her parents are NOT providing guidance.”
“If parenting methods were on a scale of least restrictive to most restrictive, gentle parenting and authoritative parenting should fall right in the middle. Both of these styles hold clear, but not excessive, boundaries.”
“On the least restrictive side would be permissive parenting, and on the most restrictive would be authoritarian parenting. On the far ends of the scale would be neglect and physical abuse.”
“It sounds like the niece’s upbringing is falling somewhere on the permissive/neglect end, and the OP was just trying to bring her to the middle where we all deserve to be.” – FlamingDragonfruit
“As a kid who grew up with few boundaries, it just feels like neglect. I didn’t feel loved. It felt like the effort of setting and enforcing boundaries would require more effort from my parents, more effort than they deemed me worth.”
“I had friends with strict parents. Who NOTICED when they weren’t home and called around to check on them. Who required kids to be home for dinner to eat with the family.” – Wonderful_Minute31
“NTA. Children CRAVE discipline, attention, and direction. This story is absolutely proof of that. This kid wants to be told how to behave and have people like her. It’s heartbreaking.”
“It also feels like, rather than no rules, the mom is actually trying to teach her kid to behave exactly contrary to societal expectations.”
“I also felt that a lot when I was younger. I had parents who gave me a lot of freedom and didn’t pay a lot of attention to what I did as a teen. It didn’t make me feel free. It made me feel lonely and confused.” – notaverage256
The subReddit was genuinely sad for the OP’s niece and the fact that he was being blocked from helping her in a way her parents refused to. It was clear to them that she was not being given guidance in day-to-day life that would set her up for success, but worse, she was craving it and asking for it from the OP.
While boundaries might not feel fun, they’re a vital part of raising children, setting them up for success, and yes, showing them love, not limiting their freedoms.