Family get-togethers can make for great memories, especially when children are present.
But inevitably, innocent playtime can lead to crying and temper tantrums.
The mother of a disabled child who uses a mobility scooter reached her boiling point when the device in question became the subject of drama.
She visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit for her handling of the situation to seek judgment from strangers online.
There, Redditor generic-usernme asked:
"AITA for yelling at my neice to stop playing with my son's mobility aid?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (26 F[emale]) have two kids, but this post is in regards to my son 'MJ' (M[ale] 7) and my niece (F[female] 5) who we will call 'Jill' for some background."
"My son has some mobility issues that make it extremely hard for him to walk on his own, he uses a walker in most cases but at home he uses something we call his 'scoot-a-round' that his doctor had made epically for him."
"MJ can sit on it and use his legs to push it has wheels on the bottom and looks kinda like an elephant. ( I hope this description makes sense) It helps him strengthen his legs, is fun, and also helps him zip around the house easier."
The OP continued:
"Yesterday my sister and her kids were over and playing with my son, I noticed Jill on the scoot-a-round and asked her to please get off as it isn't a toy it's to help MJ walk."
"My son says 'it's okay mom! I'm showing all my cousins how it works' so at this time I did back off and let them continue. About 30 minutes later my son text me while I'm in the other room with my sister and asks for help."
"I run upstairs and see Jill playing recklessly with the scoot-a-round my son was upset because he said it needed to be charged and he needed to go to the bathroom and she would not get off."
"I helped my son to the bathroom first and when we came back I did ask Jill twice nicely to get off and she refused and whined. I did end up raising my voice at her which made her leave it alone."
The confrontation escalated.
"Next thing I know my sister is running down Screaming at me for making Jill cry, I explained the situation and how MJ's scoot-a-round was not a toy. Sister said I shouldn't have it out around other kids if they can't play with it and said my son doesn't need it because he has a walker."
"I also explained the way Jill was playing with it could have broken it but she doubled down. I made them get out."
"My nephews were supposed to stay over with MJ so I asked if it was okay for them to still stay and my son said yes but that Jill had to leave."
"As soon as my sister got home she, her husband, and my mom all started calling and texting saying I was the a**hole. My husband is on my side but nobody else is so idk. AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA) here.
"NTA, but there needs to be a rule that nobody uses the scootaround except for MJ. You're right, it's not a toy, it's a mobility device that was made especially for him and would probably be expensive to replace, not to mention the inconvenience to MJ while it's being replaced. Stand up for your kid!" – Regular_Boot_3540
"NTA."
'When we came back I did ask Jill twice nicely to get off and she refused I fid end up raising my voice at her which made her leave it alone.'
"You let it go the first time for your son. She ignored you twice more."
"At that point your sister should've parented her kid & told her to get off it. So I don't blame you for raising your voice."
"Her & her husband should teach their kid some boundaries. Your mom should stop enabling their poor parenting & stay out of it." – Apart-Ad-6518
"Nta. What the hell was your sister doing just letting this happen? It's NOT a toy. What if her kid broke it? Ridiculous, selfish behavior." – Arakarani
"Disabled person here I have nieces nephews and all that. I have fun looking aids kids love, and I'll let em mess with em but if I need them and they don't listen i have to either raise my voice and explain or get their parent as for some reason they don't get it which is normal and usually the parents fault I've been through this 'I have it out?' Because it helps me, it makes ME happy, IT IS MINE."
"If your son told her multiple times to get off, then you did and she didn't, that's on the parents (can't really blame a 5 year old for being a 5 year old)" – AccomplishedArt4596
"NTA. That is your son's mobility aid. Jill was told to get off, and would not. She prevented you child from using the bathroom. In what world does your sister and niece live that makes that ok?"
"At 5 years old, she should not have to be told more than once to get off."
"Not have it out when her kids are around? No. It is still his mobility aid no matter who is there."
"Your niece needs to stay by her mother's side at your house. Within arms reach so that mom can deal with her precious angel, and no one will have to raise their voice to her."
"I am disabled. My grandkids think my walking sticks are fun to play with. I let them, but even the 3-year-old understands that when I say I need them back, they hand them over immediately. The first time they don't, they don't get to touch them again that visit. They learn quickly when they are taught."
"Your sister is failing as a mom. The rest of your family that is supporting your sisters' poor parenting does not need time with your kids. Your son should not have to deal with the consequences of his aunt's failure."
"Keep those kids safe." – Fickle_Toe1724
"Exactly this. I use mobility aids (walking frame and electric wheelchair) that I'm okay with kids looking at and explaining to them. I don't usually let them try it out themselves, but if he wants to do that, he should have his parent with him to supervise us and emphasize it is not a toy. It is medical equipment to help him move around since he can't do it like the other kids do."
"At the moment, I'm weaning my 3yo off of sitting on my lap when I'm out in my wheelchair. It was great when he was little, but now he needs to use his own legs because with him on me we're getting nearer to the weight limit of the chair, and it can't move as fast." – avalinka
"NTA, and I think you need to send a cost breakdown to sister about what it would cost to replace it. And ask that she speak to her child about respecting other people's property. If she breaks her own stuff, that's the natural consequence. If she breaks someone else's, then that's financial consequences on her behalf, paid for by the parents." – illiriam
"NTA but you need to stop using the word toy with the kids. That is a Mobility 'tool' or mobility 'aid' Talk to your niece next time you see her and gently explain that like you wouldn't take away crutches from a person with a broken leg you should not use people mobility scooters, wheelchairs, frames, crutches or canes it is unkind, and you know she is not a mean person."
"Apologize for yelling but also say when you ask her to do something, it should be done the first time you say it, especially if it is giving back something that is not hers."
"Kids can learn from adults apologizing, so that is an important step." – FairyFartDaydreams
"NTA. She'd likely say the same crap if it was a wheelchair. She is an enabler, and until they learn proper boundaries, she tells them to stay at home. Her kid sounds like a spoiled brat. You have the patience of a saint. And your son sounds like he gets that from you. ❤️" – anon
"NTA She didn't listen she got yelled at, she doesn't want to get yelled at she respects other people's things. Easy cause and effect. Do any of your family have prescription glasses?"
"Ask them how they'd feel if precious little Jill stole their glasses to 'play', refused to give them back when told and started bashing them around. Then times that by a thousand because your son's walking aid let's him be capable of doing many things most people take for granted." – I_wanna_be_anemone
Overall, Redditors backed the OP for her response, and they criticized her sister for not being more of a disciplinary figure and not supporting the OP in the situation.
They also thought the OP should've been more firm the first time her niece was disrespectful towards her cousin.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp