When someone is undergoing a major change in their life, they look for support from as many people as they can.
Particularly their partners or spouses.
Most of the time, these same partners and spouses are more than happy to back them up and offer to help them in any way they can.
Even if, in their partner's eyes, they aren't doing enough.
The wife of Redditor Lil_Moody247 was on a mission to make a significant lifestyle change.
A decision the original poster (OP) was firmly behind.
However, in the eyes of the OP's wife, he wasn't doing nearly enough, which she told him in no uncertain terms.
Concerned he may have let her down, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not be more active/present in my wife's journey to lose weight?"
The OP explained why their wife didn't think they were showing adequate support:
"Some backstory first; My wife had back to back pregnancies over the past two years with the second pregnancy being a twin."
"If you have kids, then you know how being pregnant CHANGES a woman's body and it can take years to recover."
"Ever since giving birth to our twins, my wife has been very insecure about her body."
"Simply put, she doesn't like how she looks. I know this and can honestly say, I've never been critical about how she looks, even before the pregnancy, not once."
"I have no problem with her looks, not one bit, she'll always be pretty in my eyes."
"In the beginning of this year, she started getting back to working out and just couple weeks ago decided to join an online nutrition program that helps her eat better."
"I was 100% onboard with everything because I know this is very important to her."
"I want her to succeed and start loving herself more."
"However, she thinks I'm not active or present enough in her weight loss journey."
"I'm just on the sidelines cheering and she feels like she's in it alone."
"She said I've not shown any active interest in her progress and only listens when she shared her learnings, never directly ask her about anything relating to working out or eating healthy."
"She said she expected me to show support by also start eating the same food as her and also start paying more attention to my body (I'm not fat nor skinny, just an average build with average BMI)"
"Honestly, I was kinda pissed when I heard this and told her I've been nothing but supportive."
"I just don't want to eat too healthy (by her standards) because it's kinda boring, and I'd like to have some not-so-healthy meals from time to time."
"Then there was a lot of back-and-forth of me not understanding her point, my attitude is bad, etc."
"I decided to keep quiet and just left the room to do other chores and calm down a bit."
"When I returned from taking the trash out, I saw her crying."
"I felt bad and went over to hug her and told her I'll start eating healthier with her but please don't take a way my favorite food, which I'll usually have once or twice a week for breakfast (it's around 650 kcal) I thought my response was appropriate, I took a step in the direction that she wanted and just have one minor request."
"This was also said in a non-confrontational, couple-y, apologetic, all I want is peace type voice."
"I was trying to be cute with that 'please done take away' line."
"Then she hit me with, 'Don't you think I would also want to have that?'"
"'What makes you think I won't want the same thing?'"
"'But I can't'."
"'If it's such a sacrifice for you, I'd rather you not', etc. And now I'm PISSED. I told her I thought this was a step in the right direction. Why can't she just appreciate this decision, and we can all be in this together?"
"Her response was, 'Why are you getting so worked up over this food?'"
"I honestly couldn't see what I did wrong, especially our last conversation."
"The decision I made felt right, but she told me my 'attitude' was wrong'."
"Some more info:"
"We had two pregnancy but we only have the twins."
"The twins are 9 months old, we stopped breastfeeding almost 6 months ago."
"We order takeout or Uber eats every meal."
"Don't really have time to cook."
"I don't eat my favorite food in front of her. I have it for breakfast at work."
"We don't do snack or sweet, I'll have milk tea occasionally but I volunteered to give it up when she started the nutrition program."
"Am I the A**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: No A**holes
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole, despite his wife's feelings.
Everyone agreed that the expectations of the OP's wife were too high, and the OP was more than supportive enough in her mission to lose weight:
"NTA."
"A weight loss journey is personal. She can't expect others around her to join in."
"As long as you're not sabotaging her efforts by encouraging her to eat things she wants to avoid, discouraging her from exercising, etc, you're good."
"You should sit down and have a discussion with her about what support from you would look like from her perspective."
"She shouldn't expect you to read her mind."
"I'm on a weight loss journey myself rn and I'd hate it if my spouse was always asking me how it was going or commenting on my efforts."
"But different strokes for different folks."
"Instead of coming to her with what you thought would be a good compromise, you should have asked her what would be helpful."
"But then she also needs to be willing to meet you halfway because you're an adult and should feel free to eat what you want."
"She can say what she wants from you, but if it's not something you can or want to give (such as give up a favorite breakfast) then she needs to realize that it's not all about her."- catsaway9
"NTA."
"I'm currently on a weight loss journey and am down about 70 lbs in the last year."
"You are not unreasonable to want to eat some treats from time to time — your wife's weight loss regimen isn't yours."
"However, eating in a calorie deficit sucks sometimes, especially a few months in when the novelty has worn off and the results aren't super visible yet."
"I never realized how much of my social life revolved around food, happy hours, movie dates with popcorn, weekend treats with my partner, food is everywhere and it gets a little old feeling like everyone else gets to enjoy while you eat your chicken breast and veggies."
"I don't think you need to give up your favorite foods, but you could show more support for her."
"Ask her about her weight loss, compliment her, offer to go on walks with her, etc."
"If you show support for her in her journey, she might not mind your special breakfast."
"Also, it's ok for her to treat herself sometimes."
"Sustainable weight loss is a marathon, not a sprint."
"If she's being too rigid without a treat here and there, of course she'll be resentful of any 'extras' you eat."- karenna89
"NTA."
"Though situation is different- my dad recently began a weight loss journey and was able to do it!"
"However, my mom wasn't on it, and though she wasn't on it, she began to buy brown rice instead of white rice, or made more food with veggies, and stuff like that."
"She didn't completely change the diet in the whole house, but was considerate with my dad."
"Ultimately, though, he was the one that had to control himself and even when going out only ate salads and stuff."
"Because the rest of us (my and my siblings ) continued eating the same foods he couldn't."
"So she has to learn unfortunately, how to control it by substituting."- Eastern_Garlic_7853
"NTA."
"Your wife is on a journey that can be hard, especially if it's her first time really trying to lose weight."
"It may be extremely difficult for her to focus on her journey when the food is in the house."
"Instead of admitting that, she's blaming it on the way you eat."
"Maybe if you want certain foods that she struggles with, keep it in a separate part of the house."
"It sounds a little looney tunes, but it may help."
"Also, she may benefit from a nutritional coach/counselor."- mebenfie
"NTA."
"Eating healthy / living healthy is great but for some people (especially folks just getting started) it becomes their whole life."
"I can 100% understand being supportive but not super interested."
"You're cheering her on."
"It's her journey not yours."
"It's not like you're actively hindering her progress."- GarbageWitch87
What the OP's wife is going through can't be easy.
And the OP is offering as much support as he can.
One wonders if his wife ever considered if she is asking too much of him, and might need professional support?
As it seems the support of a professional might be beneficial for both her physical and mental health.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp