Pregnancy can be a very challenging time for a woman.
As if pregnancy isn’t already exhausting enough, having to work depletes more energy.
So planning or attending social events isn’t always a priority.
But not all family members appreciate this.
Redditor megos9 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not making enough of an effort while hosting my in-laws?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My partner (31 M[ale]) and I (30 F[emale]) have been together for 10 years, and we are expecting a baby in two months.”
“In the last 2 years, I’ve started struggling to get along with his parents.”
“His parents live in another state, so we don’t see them often.”
“When we do see them, it’s either at their place, our place, or occasionally we have been on holiday together.”
“The only time we really struggle is when they visit us.”
“They are in their 70s, whereas my parents are in their 50s, and I don’t feel like we have much common ground.”
“On their last visit, I was in my first trimester of pregnancy, it was Christmas, and I was working full time while my partner, his parents, and brother were all in holiday mode.”
“Christmas is very stressful for me, as I deal with a lot of a**holes and emergencies, so when I came home, I was exhausted and not particularly sociable, but I did make an effort.”
“I had warned them before they booked the trip that it was a busy time of year for me at work, but they came anyway.”
“They stayed for 10 days, and I joined them for 7 of 9 dinners, but I excused myself for 2 of the nights as I was feeling sick/exhausted, which really offended them.”
“They always sit down at the table and talk, whereas we normally eat on the couch, so I found it hard after a big week at work and wasn’t particularly chatty.”
“It all came to a head when they threatened to leave 3 days early because I was ‘making them feel unwelcome.'”
“They have threatened this before on a previous trip, and my partner and I had to apologize and convince them to stay. “
“This time around, I felt like I was being manipulated.”
“My partner begged me to sit down and ‘have a talk’ with them, so I reluctantly agreed.”
“Straight away, F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] started accusing me of not making an effort and sitting on my phone.”
“I have an e-reader, and I had been reading on the couch after work while everyone hung out and cooked, but I was not on my phone.”
“Ironically, my B[rother]-I[n]-L[aw] spent the whole trip on his phone/laptop.”
“I struggle with confrontation, so I ended up in tears while they ripped into me.”
“My partner tried to stick up for me, but he gets upset that we don’t get along, so I had to defend myself a lot.”
“I eventually apologized and we ‘made up,’ but I just felt like I had no choice.”
“I think part of the issue was that I didn’t want them coming to stay 2 weeks after my due date.”
“They would have been flying in from Europe, and I am expecting to go over due, so I set a clear boundary, but they still tried 3 times to convince me.”
“They didn’t want to push their trip back as they had another family member’s birthday.”
“I stood my ground, and now they have stopped talking about visiting after the baby comes.”
“There is now tension between my partner and me, because he doesn’t like the fact that I don’t get along well with his parents.”
“It makes me feel like it’s my fault, but at the same time I think I’m not the a**hole here.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“Well, Reddit, AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Your partner has no clue what 2 weeks post birth even looks like, and he wants to add even more stress to your life?”
“Does he go to your prenatal appointments with you?”
“You should ask him to go with you to the next one and ask your OBGYN to talk about the risks of postpartum stress and anxiety, how the hormonal system will be affected, and how that type of stress can give someone complications and P[ost]-T[raumatic] S[tress] D[isorder] for years to come.”
“If after he hears that information and still insists, then ask your mom if you can recover at your parents’ house, and leave your callous husband to host his parents.”
“Or as a different play, get ahead of this and invite your mother to come and stay with you for the period of time when the in-laws want to visit, so she can go full mama-bear and protect you in your vulnerable state.”
“She will be able to tell your husband to get his head out of his a** and start acting like the head of a household that he is obligated to protect from sources of stress and abuse.”
“It’s likely the in-laws will be so offended that they aren’t the center of attention that they cut their visit short.”
“Good luck, hope your husband comes around and grows a pair, you’re literally entrusting him to be the protector of you and the child you made together, and he’s falling short.”
“He let them berate you until you cried.”
“He should feel shame at his cowardice.” ~ Tree_Chemistry_Plz
“Exactly this.”
“I’m 9 months postpartum with my third baby, and it’s left me disabled, with mobility issues, with a hernia, I’ve dealt with a uterine infection, and it was also an extremely traumatic birth that I’ve recently received a PTSD diagnosis for.”
“I still struggle a LOT.”
“The first weeks postpartum were awful, and as much as I love my in-laws, I just wanted to be left alone. NTA.” ~ ANearbyTerrorist
“They’ve been very clear that they expect their daughter-in-law to cater and host them while they visit.”
“So much so, they have lectured you as a child for not living up to it, even when you had warned them that you would not be on holiday during their visit.”
“Post-partum will be so much worse.”
“Your partner needs to understand that you will need help during this time.”
“It’s not about his parents, yet they are already throwing a fit that they are not the center of the event. NTA.” ~ concretism
“Absolutely.”
“Next time they visit, if OP is working, then she needs to have some ‘overnight overtime shifts’ and just stay at a hotel or in the hospital (if she’s a clinician, she mentioned emergencies), accommodation after her shift ends, so she gets a few hours to herself before sleeping.”
“Working seems to be the only acceptable excuse to not participate in everything with them.” ~ Grand_Relative5511
“NTA. You have an in-law problem.”
“Even worse, you have a husband problem.”
“You need to talk to him about this.”
“But you need to grow a spine and not have others dictate how you should behave.”
“It’s really hard, I know.”
“But it will save your peace.”
“You are not responsible for how they choose to feel.”
“And tell your husband to grow up and grow a spine.”
“They don’t get to dictate to him or you anymore.” ~ OldBroad1964
“The husband f**king sucks.”
“I feel bad for OP that her husband sucks so bad, but like, it’s not like she didn’t see he sucked for years before they got pregnant.”
“Tell your husband to grow up and tell your nasty bully parents no.”
“I genuinely cannot believe she actually apologized to the in-laws last Christmas, though.”
“If my houseguests got that entitled and needy and then said they were leaving because of me… like don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“I’ll f**kin’ pack for you.” ~ sqeeky_wheelz
“NTA. Not at all.”
“No one should be at your house 2 weeks post partum who isn’t there at your invitation to take care of you and your baby.”
“Especially someone who expects you to cater to them.”
“Nope, nope, nope.”
“Even if pregnancy wasn’t a factor here, still NTA.”
“You are allowed to take time for yourself.”
“If husband’s parents are that needy, husband can deal with it.” ~ underhand_toss
“Agreed! NTA.”
“When I was working, I’d talk all day, run interference, try to keep the peace.”
“After work, I don’t want to talk, let alone entertain.”
“Especially tired and very pregnant.”
“They’ve already shown you what to expect from them.”
“And a visit after the baby comes will not be with you in mind.”
“You don’t need that stress of being a host while juggling being a new mom and all the changes your body will be going through.”
“Your husband needs to learn how best to support you, and that also means sticking up for you.”
“And you need to not give in if it’s not in your best interest.” ~ reddit_fake_account
“NTA. Your in-laws are acting like children.”
“You have a career and a life of your own; they can’t expect you to be 100% available after a full day at work.” ~ EffectEquivalent6434
“Also first trimester is no joke.”
“I just holidayed with my in-laws during my first trimester, and I missed 60% of everything because I felt so sick and exhausted.”
“It’s NORMAL.”
“You’re NTA.”
“May want to discuss boundaries with your partner before the baby gets here.” ~ Trash-Mermaid
“NTA. You have a partner issue and a M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] issue, and quite frankly, it’s beyond rude to berate one of the hosts in their home.”
“Your partner also has his priorities VERY wrong… he should be upset his parents don’t make the effort to get along with YOU, not the other way around.” ~ OnlymyOP
“NTA. Next time they threaten to leave, let them!” ~ WhereasMajestic3724
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your comfort and health should be the priority.
Your in-laws are way out of line!
Stay strong.