Some decisions are so personal, that the very idea of sharing them can be difficult.
So, when you need help in manifesting one of these choices, it can be an awkward experience.
What happens though, when you ask for that help and receive judgment instead?
This was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) Kandiblu when she came to the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for clarity.
“AITA for telling my nurse if I wanted her opinion, I would’ve asked for it?”
She began her tale with the background.
“I (26-Female) am starting my uphill battle of trying to get my tubes tied.”
“My PCP is on board with it, but let me know I’d have to go through gyn since the procedure is done by them.”
“She put in my referral and today one of the nurses called to set up my appointment.”
There seemed to be confusion early on.
“The nurse asked me if I was trying to set up an appointment to change out my IUD and asked if I was having problems.”
“I told her I was actually trying to set up an appointment to talk about getting my tubes tied.”
OP quickly set the record straight, but…
“I could hear her overt disapproval over the phone.”
“She started telling me that they don’t like doing these procedures on people my age, I might meet a man and want to give him a baby, I don’t want to end up old and with no one to take care of me, etc…”
The nurse continued…
“She told me she believes I’d be a wonderful mother (NOT true at all) and that I’m just scared of actually being pregnant and not of being a mother.”
…until OP put a stop to it.
“I got so annoyed I blurted out ‘I only need your help setting up an appointment. If I wanted your opinion on my body and future, I’d ask for it.’ “
“My (male) friend was in the room and told me I had no reason to be so rude to the nurse and that she was just trying to help me think of this objectively.”
“I honestly don’t think I was an AH, but I’m sure the nurse does and my friend thinks I was an AH.”
OP was left to wonder:
With her friend giving her an alternative viewpoint, OP’s confidence was shaken.
She presented the situation to Reddit in hopes that they’d give her guidance.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Some cut directly to the chase.
“They need to put personal opinions aside and just do their job.”
“Be ready for a battle though, took me going through 8 different doctors before I finally found one to sterilize me.”~Eleniandthepups
While others directed OP to resources.
“I know r/childfree gets a lot of sh*t on some of the other subreddits, but they have a great list in their wiki of doctors who have performed tubals, bi salps, and vasectomies.”
“If you have to go out of network, I would definitely see if you could pick someone from there so your odds are better.”
“Edit: childfree is currently private as a protest to r/NoNewNormal not being shut down for spreading anti-vax information.”
“Edit edit: and we’re back 😎”~_Not-A-Monkey-Slut_
People were confused by why this nurse would be so concerned.
“For the life of me, I will NEVER understand why people give women hell over this topic. I have had 3 kids and only 2 made it.”
“I 100% understand why someone wouldn’t want kids.. especially women.”
“Pregnancy isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and neither is raising kids.. is it rewarding?”
“To me, yes. But that doesn’t mean someone else would feel that way.”
“Do I feel like I would’ve missed out without having kids? Yes, because I KNOW what it’s like with them in my life.”
“But if I didn’t have kids how would I know what I’m missing? People can say all these things but it’s not a light decision to not have kids.”
“I support anyone who puts their foot down and says that it’s not what they want and I wish so many others did too.”
“The process people have to go through to get sterilized is just uncalled for..”
“OP you’re NTA and I’m happy you’ve made the best decision for you.”
“I hope you’re able to go through the process soon! The nurse should’ve kept her opinions to herself. It’s not her place to try and change your mind.”~Southernslytherin_
Some told their own stories.
“My ob-gyn told me not to have any more kids after my third.”
“I still had a problem trying to get a tubal ligation because of the lovely catholic hospital I delivered in.”
“We said f*ck it, my husband got a vasectomy. It’s all bull sh*t.”
“My husband had zero problems getting the appointment.”~LoveMyF*ckingLife
There were even congratulations on OP’s restraint.
“I would have told her that if she views herself as a birth-giving machine, she can do that if it makes her happy, but you have a large number of reasons and then would have told her to shove her opinion in some lower dark place.”
“NTA and you’re a saint, I wouldn’t even let her blabber this far.”
“There was only one nurse that threw her opinion at me and her boss was equally offending and an AH.”
“I told her to shove it, that it’s unprofessional to berate patients and if I asked for her opinion on my mental state or when I wanted to live her life, I would have done that.”~SpinachSpinosaurus
Many people need guidance when making hard choices.
These people ask for that guidance and appreciate it when it is given.
It’s never okay to give such advice unsolicited—particularly when you know nothing of the situation you’re stepping into.
Perhaps we can all learn to judge a little less and care a little more.