Raising several young children at once is no easy task.
That's why parents often try to make things like the daily routine as simple as possible.
Moms sometimes will need to make comfort wherever they can.
Especially if a new mom is breastfeeding her baby.
Redditor No_Detail_9419 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITAH for not wearing a bra in my apt when the repair man came?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Am I the a**hole for not wearing a bra in my own house?"
"My husband is mad at me because we had a repair man come to look at our couches, and I was wearing a t-shirt (which wasn't in the least bit see-through, by the way) with no bra, but I had on pants."
"He says that even if the shirt wasn't see-through, you can still see them (my breasts) sitting in the shirt."
"I'm a large-chested woman, and hiding them is literally impossible."
"He says that through the shirt, you can still see them jiggling and the nipple."
"I said that's insane that I'm supposed to wear a bra just because someone is coming into the house that's a stranger, especially because I was fully covered by my shirt. There was 0 cleavage showing."
"Also, to add for context, I currently breastfeed our youngest child who's still an infant."
"Being braless at home makes this much easier for me and the repair guy was here maybe 10 minutes max."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITAH?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"What's wrong with someone knowing you have breasts?"
"Why should you try to hide them?"
"People are so weird. NTA." ~ Miserable_Dentist_70
"All a bra does, is hold your boobs up and make them look better."
"Why is that the better option for this guy?"
"NTA of course." ~ weaselroni
"I am sick to f**king death of having to dress uncomfortably to put on this facade to the world that I don't have nipples?"
"Like we all have them." ~ left4alive
"YESSSS!!! This!!! The patriarchy needs to sit the F down!"
"We all have nipples!"
"Be careful, OP."
"Your husband sounds a bit toxic and controlling, maybe even abusive, based on his comment."
"You have a right to be comfortable in your own home." ~ Fantasia-Fairy
"And this here is why I own all of 2 bras that's somewhere in the house."
"Can't tell you when last I wore one of them."
"At this point, they're part of my 'fancy dress' ensemble. 🤣"
"The last time I heard a comment from a man, indirectly saying he can see my nipples, my question to him was, IF he is a heterosexual male as he claims, why are my nipples so offensive to him?"
"Other than the fact that he can choose to look elsewhere, my nips don't hold no one but my husband hostage. 🤣" ~ Animal_Whisperer_420
"Yeah, I haven't worn bras for YEARS; people need to get over this weird need to suppress the existence of women having nipples under their shirts."
"Most bras I've seen don't even stop you from seeing the nipple outline. Actually, I've seen quite a few types of bras that have the nipple part molded into it."
"Some women wear them for comfort and that's ok, it doesn't mean every woman needs to wear them, especially if she finds them uncomfortable." ~ AhsoPlushy
"I think everyone needs to review the footage of the pole vaulter whose 'package' caught on the bar."
"People have equipment."
"It's occasionally awkward."
"But, it's real, and only the owner of said equipment gets to decide what level of coverage they desire."
"NTA, husband is the a**hole." ~ FragilousSpectunkery
"NTA. Female human has the audacity to exist with female anatomy in their own dwelling."
"Female human dresses modestly yet practically in order to feed infant human."
"How can your husband turn this into a drama?" ~ Hockeymum2378
"I'm not even breastfeeding, but when I get home, my bra comes off."
"That's just how it works."
"Don't blame me, I don't make the rules."
"OP's husband clearly doesn't understand the rules." ~j errys153
"Of course NTA."
'You wouldn't have been in any case, but that..."
"'Context: I currently breastfeed our youngest child, who's still an infant. Being braless at home makes this much easier for me, and the repair guy was here maybe 10 minutes max.'"
"Just makes your husband doubly so." ~ Apart-Ad-6518
"Does he know that even when you wear a bra, you can still see the hutch bunnies 'sitting in your shirt?'"
"He also doesn't actually get a say."
"You never have to tie back the boobies for anyone but yourself, especially not in your own home."
"Bras suck."
"I promise the repairman did not care."
"They (and delivery people) get pretty desensitized to far wilder sites, so your untethered girlies and their chilly weather buttons wouldn't have even registered."
"NTA. You're breastfeeding too?! Pfft."
"Your husband can stuff his insecurity and over-controlling opinions right up his... nostril."
"Them lunch ladies need to BREATHE!" ~ HousingItchy8561
OP responded...
"We have had past issues with unloyalty on BOTH sides, so I can understand to an extent."
"But I have three kids, and I am a stay-at-home mom now."
"By the way, all of the kids are under 4, so I hardly have time to pee during the day, let alone try on an outfit from head to toe."
"I wear a bra when we go out. I just don't want to wear one when I'm inside, is all."
Reddit continued...
"Nope. He doesn't get a pass because of that."
"Sounds like you're even on that score, so NTA, and he's the AH in this scenario."
"I nursed my kids for a long time and didn't wear a bra for many months indoors or out and about when my second was a baby." ~ T_G_A_H
"If it makes you feel any better, I was in the hospital for two weeks after mine was born."
"I'm pretty sure you might have seen my nipples because EVERYBODY saw my nipples!"
"It freaked me out at first, then I was too exhausted and in pain to care."
"And no one else cared either."
"But my job was to try to feed my baby."
"How utterly absurd would it be if I had to go to my office job and hide my keyboard?"
"Or tell that repair man to fix the plumbing but - oh hell no he isn't getting paid if you all catch a glimpse of a screwdriver or a wrench?!"
"You weren't going to the repair person's house and slinging nipples."
"They came to your house."
"Where you are working taking care of a baby."
"Breasts under a shirt are hardly scandalous."
"Maybe your partner needs to find some work to do - plenty of it around with an infant." ~ Matzie138
"Heck when I was struggling with nursing, I was SO sore and cracked that I frequently had to go completely topless to ease the pain, even when my mum was over to lend a hand."
"Having to wear a shirt was painful enough, no way was I going to suffer a bra around the house as well just for someone to come in to fix the sink." ~ HousingItchy8561
"NTA. Does he think you live in a porno?"
"Like what is his actual line of thinking here?"
"The repair guy will come over, be like 'Unrestrained breasts?!' then all of the sudden you guys are going to pound town with little ones in the house?"
"You're nursing an infant and have 3 kids who are not yet school-aged."
"I imagine your general vibe is more 'Everyone QUIT TOUCHING ME!' and not, 'Gee, I sure hope the repairman will notice my breasts because what I'd like is a random quickie with kids underfoot."
"That would definitely be more satisfying than a functional sofa."
"You can still see [my breasts] sitting in the shirt."
"Yeah, that's what breasts do if you're wearing a shirt."
"They sit in the shirt."
"If you had a bra on, I imagine it would still be visually apparent that your breasts are scandalously existing within your shirt."
"I'm a guy and I think he's being a weirdo and a dumba**." ~ limegreencupcakes
"Unless you were lifting up your shirt to flash the repairman, previous unloyalty has no relevance. NTA." ~ Flimsy-Car-7926
"Wow, your husband has some insecurities!"
"I literally have nothing else to say because your perspective is so rational, and his perspective is so skewed. NTA." ~ RightLocal1356
"So, repairman here..."
"Obviously, I can't speak for repairmen en masse, but I can safely say that personally, I've never looked or noticed whether a client was wearing a bra or not."
"I'm here to work."
"Beyond that, you're in your own house."
"It's not like you were shirtless."
"And when you're breastfeeding an infant, braless makes sense."
"My wife did that too when our kids were babies. NTA." ~ AccidentalNarwhal
"I have exactly the same experience, I have been to thousands of homes."
"I have had people who are obviously uncomfortable and stay well out of it, and I've had people open the door and stay chatting in the kitchen with me while naked - I'm there to fix the dishwasher, nothing more."
"And trust me, I have been to so many places, I have seen it before."
"Nothing shocks me!" ~ UnusualCandle5238
"NTA. I'm a man, and in a T-shirt my nipples are visible."
"By your husband's logic, I guess I should wear a bra."
"When I was much heavier, I also had man-boobs… so… yeah."
"It's your home, and you were 'decent.'"
"Hubby needs to chill." ~ subsailor1968
"You're NTA."
"Next scene: unreasonable, jealous hubby doesn't like how frequently the baby is fed and starts pushing for bottle feeding." ~ Dittoheadforever
"NTA. Men walk around shirtless all the time, but we can't be braless? Screw that!"
"I wear a bra as little as possible."
"I'm guessing hubby also has an issue with public breastfeeding?"
"Hubby needs to chill."
"Next time he complains about you being braless in your own home, shove a pacifier in his mouth. 👶" ~ Maximum_Expression60
OP responded...
"He absolutely has an issue if I feed my kids in a public place."
"I've told him that the sole purpose of a breast is literally to feed the humans you spend nine months creating."
"Says I should have a cover or find a secluded spot."
"We were at the fair recently and went to an area where not many people were and began to feed our son."
"Soon after, I started chatting with a group of people (men included in the said group) who came over to where we were, and he got mad because I didn't ask for his shirt (I thought showing breasts wasn't an issue) to cover myself up while feeding."
"Mind you, it was VERY hot that day, and I wasn't going to just stop feeding my son altogether."
Reddit said...
"Good gracious!"
"Why are some men so clueless?"
"I breastfed in public all the time, and no one was the wiser."
"Like you said, it's what they are meant for."
"I just don't get how we can be so technologically advanced as a society yet so socially dysfunctional." ~ Maximum_Expression60
"Were they repairing your bra? If not, NTA." ~ ubix
Reddit is completely behind you, OP.
You need to be comfortable while you care for your kids.
It sounds like your husband needs a reality check regarding life with several children.
Perhaps you can show him this Reddit thread to help him understand.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp