Some people have no problem with a few extra pounds; they embrace whoever they are at any size.
But other people often see it as an impossible life burden.
That's why photos can be a constant issue.
A picture is a memory, and some memories leave emotional scars.
Redditor Salt-Swing8252 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my husband he and his mother ruined out wedding day for me?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (35 F[emale]) got married to my husband (M[ale] 41) recently."
"Neither of us likes the spotlight, so we agreed on a small event."
"The only thing I was firm about was I didn't want photos."
"My self-esteem is in the toilet."
"In the last 18 months, I have put on weight."
"I am not looking to make excuses, but there are some reasons why."
"In the last 18 months, I have lost both my parents and my grandmother."
"I have lost two jobs and had a miscarriage."
"Depression has hit me hard at times, and I have been comfort eating."
"I was put on a new medication, and weight gain is a side effect."
"About a year ago, I broke my left ankle badly."
"I have had three surgeries to date (the last one was ten days before the wedding)."
"I can't walk without pain."
"I really didn't want photos that would remind me of the fact I am now fat."
"A few weeks before the wedding, my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] was talking about going to a local beauty spot for photos."
"I say no thank you and that yes, I am being serious."
"My husband hears this and later that night I say again I really don't want photos and he says that is fine with him."
"A week before the wedding, I had the same conversation with MIL and my husband."
"Day of the wedding, my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] and MIL pick us up."
"I can no longer drive as I can't move my ankle."
"We get the whole legal shindig done and as we are going back to the car my MIL again says let's go to the beauty spot for photos."
"I again, so no, but she tells FIL to drive there, and my husband just sits there."
"I know I gave him 'the look' but total silence."
"Long story short, the photos are taken, and we head back."
"In the car driving home, my MIL starts showing me the photos, and I hate myself in them."
"I look like a pile of fat s**t."
"I look ridiculous in a dress with a medical boot, and I can't stop the tears rolling down my cheeks."
"This upsets my mother-in-law and there is an atmosphere the whole rest of the day."
"I really tried to move on, but I had to get out of that stupid dress and all. I really just wanted to hide away."
"Privately, I told my husband he and his mother ruined our wedding day for me because all I can think of is those pictures."
"He said he didn't realize I was so serious about no photos, that it's only for his mum to keep, and that he thinks I look beautiful."
"I told him that not 30 minutes into our marriage, he totally let me down, and I don't know if I am beyond hurt or furious."
"He said I was being ridiculous and that I let him down by making such a fuss over a 'normal part of weddings.'"
"He also said I had hurt his mother (she has some mental health issues and has been obsessing over me crying on my wedding day) and that I need to reassure her she hasn't done anything wrong."
"I told him no, and there would be serious problems if he tried telling her otherwise because, as far as I am concerned, they both totally ignored my one request, which was unacceptable."
"He thinks I am being a totally unreasonable AH."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So am I being an AH Reddit?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You need an annulment because your husband isn't going to put you first in anything if he doesn't do it on your wedding day."
"You have kids, buy a house…etc, and he's going to let his mom walk right over you." ~ saintandvillian
"Why should you reassure her she hasn't done anything wrong?"
"Let the old bag cry, she screwed up big time, and she should know it."
"Your words to your husband are just right. He let you down half an hour after taking vows with you."
"He can't be trusted."
"You are NTA."
"Not sure where you should go from here, though." ~ Square-Minimum-6042
"NTA. I got manipulated on my wedding."
"I was mad, and even at my reception, I was told that it would be low-key."
"I haven't forgiven my in-laws yet." ~ Individual-Rush-6927
"Why did you leave the car at the beauty spot?"
"I'd have sat there until everyone gave up. NTA."
"Bulldozer MIL deserves all the bad feelings she's feeling."
"She done f**ked up, putting her selfish wants ahead of the bride's." ~ _s1m0n_s3z
"Establishing and sticking to proper boundaries is ESPECIALLY important for people in those vulnerable mental states."
'It was absolutely imperative she not let herself get bulldozed to really truly enjoy her special day."
"Now it's imperative that she sticks to her guns about feeling wronged."
"It's possible for both the MIL to be an a**hole, and for op to have failed in their own self-care."
"This situation is most definitely both."
"I'm well aware those in vulnerable emotional positions struggle with establishing boundaries."
"That's why it's so important."
"Also for verdict, OP is NTA." ~ TheHotshot240
"It's also possible for people in vulnerable mental states to not be ABLE to set those boundaries."
"u/Salt-Swing8252, you are NTA."
"Your marriage means that you two are a team against anyone and anything that causes you pain."
"That includes his Mom."
"If she were truly sorry, she'd offer (not just agree to) to delete all those photos and apologize for being insensitive and placing her wants over your needs."
"I've lost both parents, but a decade and a half apart."
"I cannot imagine managing that grief, a miscarriage, and two job losses."
"You are NTA for however you cope and however you feel."
"You can always lose weight when you have the strength to do so again."
"If you aren't already, please get some grief counseling."
"You are absolutely deserving of help."
"All I can tell you is that one day, and I hope it's soon, the warmth of your parents' memory will be stronger than the grief of their loss."
"They both co-exist, but the love and warmth is stronger."
"I bet the same will eventually be true of your wedding day."
"I hope your husband figures out that he should always be on your team, and that the joy with him outweighs these events, and you remember the photos as annoying as hell."
"But not as important as the love you share with your husband." ~ Toirneach
"This. She could have been difficult but it sounds like her husband forced her to through a lack of consistency and silence."
"You do not owe her an apology, tell her to keep the pictures private and you'll consider it over."
"If she shares them and he doesn't stop her, then divorce."
"This sucks, OP."
"I'm sorry. You are NTA." ~ Cute_Kitten9434
"NTA. A husband should have managed his own mother."
"OP was bullied into this by three people— her husband, one of them!"
"While OP needs to learn to say no and stick to it, she's not an AH for giving into social pressure and being unwilling to cause a scene."
"Her husband is an AH for pressuring her, then dismissing her, and demanding that OP make up with HIS MOTHER!"
"How about hubs pull up his f**kin big boy pants and go get Mom to delete the photos?" ~ RickRussellTX
"You might still be able to an annulment."
"Because this is your life."
"If he couldn't listen to you on your wedding day, he never will."
"Mommy will always get what she wants over you. NTA."
"Please do not let him do this to you." ~ Shadow4summer
"NTA. You were disrespected by MIL and husband."
"Husband has also shown that what his mom thinks and wants will always come first over you."
"You might want to consider an annulment." ~ wlfwrtr
"NAH but this sounds like an incredibly depressing scenario all around."
"From the sounds of it, you really should have postponed the wedding until you're in a much better place mentally."
"If you're in a situation where someone taking a photo of you is ruining your wedding day."
"I don't think it's the photo that's ruining it, but more a cherry on top of what wasn't a great day for you to begin with." ~ M1eXcel
"I'm not going to give a judgment, but you really truly need a therapist or psychologist to help you through everything you're going through."
"Your language about yourself and your body is downright abusive, and it's got to be terrible living with an inner dialogue like that on top of everything else you're going through." ~ Ordinary_Map_5000
"What baffles me is how he didn't think it was serious?"
"You told him on 3!"
"3 Separate occasions clearly and in no uncertain terms, no pictures."
"He was hurt you told him he let you down in the first half hour of the marriage, well you were hurt he let you down. NTA." ~ RikkitikkitaviBommel
"NTA. It's super frustrating when your boundaries aren't respected, especially on your wedding day."
"They really missed what you wanted."
"Your feelings are totally valid, and it sounds like a serious talk with your husband is needed... he should be supporting you through all this." ~ LadyLustfulMystique1
"NTA - no matter what everyone says here, your husband and you had a calm conversation between adults about this."
"If he really wanted photos taken, he should have told you upfront."
"He was being dishonest so all the 'but it's his wedding too' crap does not stand anymore."
"He had plenty of chances to discuss this with you but he didn't and then he made you feel like s**t." ~ resnonpublica
"NTA but I wouldn't have left the car."
"Making clear again I don't want pictures."
"Husband put his mother before you, and that would make me furious too." ~ Honest_Weird_9715
"Why did you even get out of the car at the scenic spot?"
"I would have stayed put until everyone gave up. NTA."
"Your overbearing mother-in-law totally deserves to feel guilty."
"She seriously messed up by prioritizing her own desires over the bride's." ~ Legitimate_Sun_506
"NTA. Not too late for an annulment." ~ Cursd818
OP came back with an update...
"With all the comments saying I disregarded my husband's wishes on his wedding day, I asked him directly 'Did you want those photos, and he just said he did it to appease me?'"
"Before you all pile on (again), there is no reason he would not answer truthfully."
"He replied that he did not care about the photos my MIL took in the woods."
"He said that, having seen them, they are objectively bad (he clarified that they were poorly taken on a shi**y phone), not something he would want to keep, and not worth the distress caused."
"He said the only photo he would want was one of the looks on my face staring up at him when we said the 'I dos.'"
"He joked that he should have strapped a go-pro to his forehead to capture that, but he doesn't NEED a photo to remember it."
"I would not have been against that idea because it would have been private between just us."
"He cannot give a reason for being silent in the car."
"My MIL has a severe mental disorder, and I believe there is fear around setting her off on a spiral."
"I explained how ambushed I felt and that I only got out of the car to try and keep the peace."
"That really upset him."
"He apologized for not speaking up."
"I think he understands the main issues were not being supported and feeling helpless."
"Everybody is saying I should not have got out - I am sure you would call me the AH for throwing a childish tantrum and refusing to leave the car if I post that scenario."
"I was in a lose-lose situation."
"I apologized for letting my insecurities become part of our marriage."
"He hadn't realized just how deep my issues run."
"I am guilty of putting on a brave face so I can't blame him for that."
"We don't want any drama."
"I am not going to hold a grudge against MIL."
"This is the first time there has ever been an issue like this in our family."
"My husband will talk to her but not about my insecurities.
"He suggested asking her to delete the photos but I said we both know he would have to die on that hill."
"We are going to move past the whole thing.
"However, I don't know what to do if she makes them public."
"We both agree that what matters is our 9-year-long relationship that is now a marriage and not a single day where some papers were signed."
"I am sure that comment is going to upset a lot of people who feel a wedding day should be a magical life-changing event but it is how WE view OUR lives together, nothing to do with your feelings."
"I wouldn't put our relationship/marriage on hold because times are tough so why would I put this one day off?"
"We are not American, and marriage is not such a big deal here."
"Many couples never marry, and that is very normal."
"Since before everything happened, our main reason for getting married was so I could legally use his protected surname."
"This is why we just went to the registry office, and it was eight people in attendance."
"I apologize for my fatphobic language.
"Growing up in the 90s with a mother with an E[ating] D[isorder] has clearly had an effect on how I view bodies, and I need to work on that."
"I have had to counsel for feelings around my loss of mobility, which has naturally touched on the other issues in my life, but I am going to speak to my doctor about more specialized grief counseling going forward."
This is all a lot to digest, OP.
Reddit is in your corner.
It sounds like you're forming a solid plan to get everything under control.
None of this is easy. So sorry for your losses.
It's wonderful that you'll sit with your doctor for some serious planning.
Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Good luck and Congratulations!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp