Parenting is full of tough decisions, and since parents are human, they're not always going to make the right ones.
But sometimes the decisions they make are so astoundingly terrible, we hope it's not reflective of their overall parenting, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Fed up with their nine-year-old son not getting up at 7 AM each day, Redditor aitaminecraftworld told him that they would be punishing him if he did not change his routine.
But when he stopped eating as a result of his punishment, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure what to expect next.
They asked the sub:
"AITA for deleting my son's Minecraft world?"
The OP was not happy with their son's sleeping schedule.
"I have 2 children, a 9-year-old son and a 6-year-old daughter. My son had a Minecraft world where he built quite an impressive castle on an island, which he was very proud to show to me."
"Since school was canceled, he has had issues with waking up on time. He is supposed to wake up at 7 each morning, but for the past month, he has been sleeping in until about 9 or 10."
"I always set an alarm for him, but he sleeps right through it. I don't wake him up because waking himself up is a skill that he needs to learn."
"I told him about 2 weeks ago that there are going to be consequences for him if he continues to sleep in every morning."
"At first, he understood and was waking up on time every morning."
The OP decided to follow through with their original punishment plans.
"But for the past week or so, he has fallen back into old habits. I told him yesterday that this is his final warning. Today, he slept in until 11."
"So I followed through with my warning, and went on the computer and deleted his favorite Minecraft world. I also took away computer privileges for the next month."
The OP's son began to show signs of depression as a result.
"When I told him, he started screaming and crying. He told me that he spent a whole year working on that world, and he's very distraught that he's never going to see it again."
"He has been crying and sobbing throughout the day and has refused to eat any of his meals."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that it should not be a nine-year-old's responsibility to wake up.
"Is there any punishment that fit this crime?"
"Honestly OP, I'm shocked that you told a nine-year-old it's their job to regulate their own sleep and expect that to just work out. They're nine. And then you punished a nine-year-old by deleting something they've been working on for over a year for not being able to wake himself up."
"What a cruel thing to do. It's your job as a parent to ensure your child is going to sleep and waking up at a reasonable time. And your child suddenly sleeping in most of the morning shouldn't be cause for punishment, it should be cause for you talking to them and finding out what's wrong." - sapphic-internet
"YTA. Oh my goodness. You got this so wrong."
"Waking himself up is a ridiculous thing for him to be expected to do. Most children at that age are still finding telling the time tricky. "
"Are you supporting him to get to bed on time?"
"You have absolutely destroyed something your son loved so much. Something that was familiar, safe, and positive in a world that is not feeling like any of those things."
"I'm so sad for your son. I honestly don't know how you can make this better." - DrMamaBear
"Isn't nine like elementary school? OP should definitely still be waking him up! I mean, it's great if he can do it on his own, but there is nothing wrong with OP helping him along until he's ready."
"I didn't start setting my own alarms until the end of middle school. Maybe my parents just babied me, but this seems unreasonable to me." - Arry_Potter
"Who expects a nine-year-old in a pandemic to get up on his own?"
"YTA, and this is a pivotal moment in your relationship and you just screwed up royally."
"He's nine, right now that was a way for him to cope, and you deleted it? In his head, he is wondering if you want to just delete him, too."
"You controlling a**hole, he won't ever forget this." - SnarkyinKY
"I have a nine-year-old boy and we have no schedule right now. I make him do his schoolwork everyday but I honestly don't care if he does it at 8 am or 6 pm as long as he does it."
"It is such a weird and stressful time right now. I know that I'm struggling and I'm an adult who has had a lifetime to develop proper coping mechanisms. Both of my children are staying up late and sleeping late." - 28jldplrdp
Others agreed and said the punishment did not fit the crime.
"Yeah, there are much better ways to deal with this. Maybe limit his breakfast options if he's late. Like he can have X and Y, but not Z (his favourite breakfast) if he's late."
"Or have sleeping in cut into his screentime. For example, my brother takes ages to shower. But if my parent tell him that he has to shower, and then he can have screen time till 21:00, then my mum has to smell his hair to make sure he even showered." - ensalys
"I'm 23 years old, and as a gamer and artist, I frequently bounce back and forth between playing Minecraft and other games. The last time I played it was when it was huge years ago but now with the lockdown I've gotten more time from school and work so I've come back to it."
"I've built stuff I'm incredibly proud of and there's truly something to be said about making something artistic you can walk through and explore. Also the amount of skill it takes to be about to build something out of only blocks is pretty incredible. The game is easy, but the skill it takes to actually be able to build something that looks good is huge, I'm still not that good at it yet."
"Any parent who would take an art project that their child has been working on for over a year, and destroy it has failed as a parent."
"There are other ways to discipline your child. But destroying something you KNOW your child is proud of is just awful. YTA bigtime." - guitarfreak48
"My family have me (20), my sister (16), and brothers (12 and 7). All of us wake up at different times. Because there's no school or work, we wake up when our bodies have had enough rest. Everyone has their schoolwork completed before the due date. If someone's cranky, they get sent to bed earlier."
"The worst that has happened has been taking away my (7) brothers favourite toys because he throws them when he's cranky. We'd never dream of throwing away his favourite toys because he has spent a long time decorating them. Similarly, I don't understand what went through OP's mind when they decided deleting the minecraft world would stop their kid from waking up late."
"OP, you've not only shown you have no respect for your kid, but they now have nothing to lose."
"Would you have done the same if this was a painting your son had been working on for a year? Or a novel they had written? Just because it's a game doesn't mean any less hard work went into it. Especially when they've been working on it for a year! And Minecraft is a difficult game to build in too!"
"I'm not surprised he's upset. He's also not eating most likely because he feels sick as he is that upset about it. YTA OP!" - fatimas99
"YTA. Parenting is more about finding ways to get your child to succeed than negative punishment."
"Not only will your goal of having him wake up not be met... you've created additional hardship on your child during these unprecedented times."
"He's nine. The punishment did not fit the crime." - YCtpe
"Look up guides like this and recover the world before it's overwritten."
"Apologise to your son, explain that parents sometimes get it wrong and you were being an arsehole, and then institute proper punishment after getting him to check that it's back." - Gladfire
Some were sure the OP had done long-lasting damage.
"YTA. They did not teach their son to get up earlier. They have taught their son not to share things they value and not to work on things because their parents will not value the hard work." - voxnemo
"I suspect the child will be reluctant to share any level of creation they are proud of. OP was shown something they were genuinely proud of, was fully aware of the level of effort and pride their child put in, and destroyed it on purpose."
"OP, you have absolutely done lasting and serious damage to your relationship with your child, and you have demonstrated that you don't understand how to discipline them. You didn't take away a privilege, you destroyed their work. Hope you feel real big."
"YTA absolutely does not cover the severity of your choices." - lovelylotuseater
"Apologizing and admitting to a mistake as an adult is also teaching your child something important for the future."
"Being hard and cruel just teaches them not to rely on you or trust in you, and to cut contact as soon as possible (I'm looking forward to the 'Why has my adult child become so distant and uncaring?' AITA from you in a few years)." - Fettnaepfchen
"My mother threw all of my drawings and paintings in the trash when I was eleven. My parents were having marital problems so she took it out on me. This was just one of the things she did. My father never intervened."
"Up until that point, I was a model child. But after that, I rebelled HARD and entered an intense period in life which could have ended really badly for me. I moved out when I was 19, now I live abroad."
"I haven't spoken to my father since I left, because he's angry that his neglected daughter, traumatised by his drinking, did not stay to take care of him. My mother and I are civil and talk from time to time, because I forgave them for my own sake. I don't want to spend my life bitter. I decided to be nice and respectful of others."
"OP, if that's not clear, YTA, and what you did is despicable and damaging to such a young child. It took me YEARS to recover from the damage my parents have done. Shame on you." - lilififigrr
"The feeling of losing 1 year's work is so f**king cutting that it makes one not want to even invest in something that deeply and creatively again for a while."
"I lost some music I had been working on for 6 months in an emergency back in 2011 and even though it was no one's fault but my own, I couldn't bring myself to really try properly for a good year or two."
"Without feeling safety or feeling like it's a safe space for you to invest yourself, this kid will sadly limit his expression and investment into activities that could be 'taken away' at any time."
"Woodworking, art, music, video games, writing, making videos, whatever it is, he probably won't feel comfortable doing it under his parent's roof for years, if ever." - old__pyrex
"YTA. I'm so sad for your son, OP. My son is about the same age and I can't imagine purposefully doing something so mean to him."
"Is it possible he is not sleeping well because he is stressed, or anxious because the entire world has changed pretty abruptly? Is it possible that he is more tired than he normally would be because his mind is processing big changes right now?"
"Is it possible his circadian rhythm doesn't align with your idea of when he should be awake? There are a lot of possibilities but you choose to believe he was being either lazy or disrespectful."
"My mom was like you. To this day, I have trouble opening up to her and showing her anything I am proud of. I knew it was ammunition that could be used against me."
"I self-sabotage, because I'd rather take something away from myself than let someone take it away from me, and even though I've been out of her home for 20 years, I still fight myself to not self-sabotage, because no one can hurt me anymore."
"He worked on this for a year. And now he's stuck in isolation and social distancing with someone who values getting up at 7 more than the work he put in to creating something." - RavenVixy
To say that the subReddit was heartbroken for the OP's son and furious with the OP would be the understatement of the century.
Not only did the OP not teach their son anything valuable about rising at a certain time in the morning and listening to an alarm clock, but they showed their son that they see more value in a disciplined rising time than individuality and creative expression.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp