Therapists and court officials all warn divorcing parents not to put their children in the middle of disputes and not to share adult problems with minor children.
It’s sound advice, but can be detrimental in the long run if the divorce was the result of one parent’s actions or behavior.
A father turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after his ex-wife told his now adult children to ask him for money for her bills.
MysteriousEmu1106 asked:
“AITA for telling my kids that I am not responsible for their mother’s issues and not giving her money?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I divorced my ex-wife about 5 years ago when I learned she had a private emergency fund. The problem with it was I was working 60-80 hours a week to keep up with the bills while she was laid off.”
“I was under the impression we were struggling a ton and broke my back to pay the bills when, in reality, she squirreled away around 50k and was still adding to it when I found out.”
“Oh, I was pissed. I was working 12 hour shifts and weekends.”
“I thought we ran through our savings. I was working so much so we wouldn’t have to take from my kids’ college funds.”
“She lied to me, she broke my trust.”
“The only reason she was able to do this in the first place is because I trusted her. I trusted her to handle the financial side of things.”
“She had access to everything I brought in for income and left the bare minimum we’d need to be able to eat, have a roof over our heads, and utilities so I’d think we were drowning so I’d work more so she could take more for her private stash.”
“I’m still kinda mad about that. That was 8 months of hell.”
“The divorce was messy and I learned about a lot of spending that I didn’t know about on her end. Also a lot of credit card debt.”
“In the end the house was sold, assets split, and we both moved into our separate places.”
“The kids were in high school when the divorce happened (we were young when we had them) and now they are both in college and bounce with who they stay with.”
“I gave them the option for therapy during the divorce because they were old enough to make that choice.”
“One took me up on the offer and only did it for a few months, the other one didn’t wish to do it.”
“They were 18 and 16 when the divorce was finalized, the oldest was a senior in high school and the other was a sophomore.”
“The current issue is my ex-wife’s money problems.”
“I am doing well for myself and recently bought a house. My ex is not, and is having trouble keeping a job.”
“She is going to be kicked out of her apartment soon.”
“My kids want me to help her out. I have told them no many time and it is growing into a disagreement.”
“They think I am being heartless. That it’s my fault she is having issues because I filed for the divorce.”
“I told them their mom’s issues are not my problem.”
“They are ignoring me at the moment and I am wondering if I am in the wrong.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“AITA for telling my kids their mother’s issues are not my problem and I’m not giving her money. I could be a d*ck for telling them it’s not my problem and not giving money even though I have extra.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. I worry that mom is weaponizing the kids against OP and helping her out is just rewarding that behavior. Only she really knows what her financial status is; she’s made that clear already with her secret stash and debts.”
“In my opinion, OP needs to explain to the kids that she can come to him herself if she needs help and they’ll discuss it, but it can’t and shouldn’t come from them. They can’t be involved.” ~ FinancialRip2008
“Mom is absolutely weaponizing the kids against OP. I see it ALL THE TIME at work (family law paralegal). People will pit their kids against the other parent in hopes of wearing them down for the sake of that parent preserving their relationship with the kids.”
“Bad behavior gets rewarded, and the cycle repeats itself.”
“If she needs help, she can come to OP with an offer for a loan and a timetable for repayment and consequences if those milestones aren’t met. This ‘Tell your dad he should give me money!’ bs is just manipulative games. NTA.” ~ Discount_Mithral
“You’re NTA, but it might be worth considering your options. You have no reason to care about your ex-wife, I agree.
But if this poisons your relationship with your children, is that a price you’re willing to pay? Do you think they’ll come around to your side if you can tell them, ‘I asked on Reddit, and they said I was in the right!’?”
“If your kids think you’re heartless, that’s the core of the issue. What do you want to do about that?”
“You have several options:”
“• do nothing: let them think what they want, and let them hate you if they want to”
“• explain the entire situation to them, including the exact reasons you filed for divorce, and get them to understand”
“• or help your ex-wife, not for her sake, but for the sake of your children who don’t want their mother to struggle”
“None of these options is right or wrong. But I think you’ll have to think one step further than ‘does Reddit think I’m an a**hole” and figure out what relationship you want with your kids, and how you’re going to ensure you have that relationship.” ~ boring_pants
“Option #3 needs to be coupled with a clear understanding about what OP is going to do and what he’s not going to do.”
“For example, ‘I’m going to support your mother by giving her X amount per month for the next Y months to continue to help her get on her feet. We’re all going to let her know that after this period of time, she’s on her own. Kids, do you agree that this is a reasonable approach and that now that we’re divorced I shouldn’t continue to help her forever?’.” ~ jeffsang
“Option 2 is the real answer.”
“Have a sit down with the now adult kids and layout what occurred that led to the divorce. Their mother secretly set aside 50k just for herself.”
“Meanwhile their father thought they were broke and was working insane hours to support them and their mother while she was continuing to rack up credit card debts and take money from the family for her secret account.”
“Add anything else that was discovered during the divorce proceedings. No embellishments, just the data.”
“Then ask them what they think you should do. Their mother refused to help her family financially when you were still married.”
“Should their father be responsible for her continued irresponsibility, or should her children try to talk her into getting the help she really needs to change her self-destructive habits? Her spending money she doesn’t have sounds like an addiction and you wouldn’t throw money at her if she was shooting up heroin.”
“Tell the kids you shouldn’t be burdened with supporting her for the rest of her life or your life just because you’re the responsible parent. She’s capable of living within her means since you were forced to live in poverty while she had 50k sitting in her secret account.”
“Making your family do without while she hoarded money was really heartless. That’s why you’re divorced and why you don’t owe her anything.” ~ toad__warrior
“NTA. Clearly, the mother hasn’t learned anything about not racking up debt, and bailing her out is just that; she probably won’t grow from this time either.”
“I agree that the kids should stay out of it, and she should ask her yourself. However, the kids ARE always in it, for this round anyway.”
“OP, if your ex-wife does ask for help and you decide to give it to her, I would let ALL parties know that this is a gift, and a one-time thing, PERIOD.” ~ ctsmith76
“The problem there is if he caves, when does she stop asking for help? Sounds like she became dependent on it before and he’s avoiding it happening again.”
“If he says yes once, they’ll all get pissed at him again when he doesn’t say yes again.”
“She’s an adult. He is not her only option for help.”
“There are services for people exactly in her situation. If she doesn’t want to take advantage of those services, how is that his problem?” ~ Clear_Tangerine5110
“Yeah, she’s definitely weaponizing the kids. And if OP caves in, he will become his ex’s emergency fund to use while she continue to spend the money she doesn’t have.”
“OP is in a tight spot thanks to his kids who are more than willing to enable his mother on OP’s dime. NTA, of course.” ~ xlondelax
“NTA. She STOLE massive amounts of money from OP and their kids and forced him to break his back to cover for her financial issues.”
“It’s absolutely neither his job nor obligation to further feed this.”
“The kids are adults now. They need to understand her issues are of her own creation, and that OP giving her money won’t fix her problems.” ~ epichuntarz
“Their mother is perfectly capable of working and taking care of herself. She is no longer your responsibility. To your kids, that may sound heartless. But their mother is an adult and she CHOSE the life she has now. She’s not a victim of anything but her own bad choices. NTA.” ~ Riker_Omega_Three
It sounds like OP needs to have a grown-up conversation with his adult children about how their mother’s lies and betrayal made him feel and why it’s foolish to throw money at her continuing money problems.