Content Warning: Financial Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Though people sometimes delude themselves into thinking otherwise, differing approaches to money management have a unique ability to ruin a relationship.
When two people cannot come to agreement about how to spend and save their money, it’s basically game over, cringed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ThrowAwAITA-1754 was fed up with never having money left over after paying the bills, since his wife often purchased extras that left no money to put in the bank.
When she refused to try to improve her spending habits, the Original Poster (OP) decided to get a second job and put all of the money in savings where she couldn’t touch it.
He asked the sub:
“WIBTAH (Would I Be the A**hole) if I told my wife that she could not touch any money I make from my part-time job?”
The OP was frustrated from not being able to build up the family’s savings.
“Long story short, I bring in $80,000 per year as our main source of income for our house due to my disabilities.”
“It’s barely enough money to pay our bills, but that’s it. We don’t really have much extra money to do things like vacations, family outings, eating out, etc.”
“Because of this, we also don’t have enough money to pay for things like renovations and upgrades to our home.”
The OP’s wife’s unwillingness to get a job also did not help matters.
“I have been trying to get my wife to get a job for YEARS but she refuses to as she wants to be a SAHM (Stay-at-Home Mom) for our four kids, even though I’m always home.”
“My kids are all under the age of seven. My wife had a job prior to the birth of our first, and then a part-time job prior to our second, and then nothing since.”
“I can watch the kids for her to be able to get a job. I’m not even asking her to get a full-time, 40 hours per week, type of job; just a part-time job to bring in some extra money.”
The OP gave his wife an ultimatum.
“We got into this massive argument some time ago in which I said I wanted a divorce and I wanted to be done.”
“She said she would fix her issues and get a job. That was months ago, and I haven’t seen her try to search for jobs, apply for jobs, or even interview.”
“When I ask about it, she gets flustered and refuses to engage in the conversation, or gets upset with me for ‘hounding her.'”
“I’ve had a part-time job before, but she saw it as extra money to do things with and spend on stuff. Whenever we get extra money from a family member for holidays/anniversaries, it gets spent almost immediately on various things that we don’t need.”
“I cannot even save it for things that I would personally like to get, or for needed things like renovations/needed home upgrades.”
The OP then decided to take matters into his own hands.
“Therefore, I am looking at getting a part-time job in which I cannot make more than $1,300 per month due to my disability restrictions.”
“WIBTAH if I put it in a separate bank account and told her that she cannot touch this money as I want to save this money to do things to upgrade the house, buy a new computer, save for a ‘new’ vehicle, etc.?”
“AITAH?”
As the comments started to come in, the OP offered a few clarifications.
“I’ve seen quite a few people questioning the $80,000 disability or why I cannot make more than a certain amount of money, so please allow me to explain. I am a military veteran with PTSD.”
“I do not qualify for the full 100%, but since I cannot hold gainful employment, I have been granted IU (individual unemployability), meaning I cannot work and am being paid as such.”
“In addition, I receive SSDI and also my kids receive a portion of my SSDI to help cover their expenses. Altogether, that equals a little over $80,000 a year.”
“I’ve had over 12+ jobs since getting out of the military eight years ago. None have lasted more than six months. My inability to hold a job doesn’t mean I am unable to acquire a job. It just means that I cannot hold onto it because of my disability.”
“However, because of my inability to hold a job, it has been making it increasingly difficult for me to even acquire a job. I’m not some hypocrite trying to tell my wife she needs to work, but not continuously trying to do so myself.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some affirmed that part-time jobs can dramatically improve someone’s life.
“I was a SAHM before our kids went to school. During that time, I had a part-time job that was two to three nights a week and sometimes on one weekend day.”
“Literally, when my husband walked in the door, I gave him a kiss, a quick update on the kids and I was out the door. When I got home, he was in bed, and, most of the time, already asleep.”
“It sucked but it helped us make ends meet with a teeny cushion.” – LadybugGal95
“I was also a SAHM before my kids started school. I babysat for day-working parents to make extra money for the house. I let those parents know as soon as my youngest started school that I was getting a job. So they knew they had to find another sitter.”
“And that’s exactly what I did. The moment I dropped my youngest off at school on his first day, I went job searching. This was before computers were really a thing so you actually searched in person.”
“There is no reason OP’s wife can’t work. Especially if OP is home to care for the kids.” – Frequent_Couple5498
“She feels it is your responsibility. She does not want to adult-up for whatever issue or reason. In that case, I would TAKE that responsibility.”
“If it were me, all income would go to an account in my name to which she has no access. She gets an allowance, a budget for kids, shopping, and whatever she buys. But she does not want responsibility, which means she gets no say, either.”
“If she misappropriates money, for example, buying Gucci handbags, and then complains there is no money for groceries, then we go a little further, and she loses access to the grocery money.”
“It may not be your style, but I am usually all for giving people what they ask and making doubly sure the consequences of their choices end up on their plate. Not in a spiteful way. But directly relatable and tangible consequences.”
“And I will make it very clear that they can´t choose to only live the happy life and have me run after them sweeping up the negatives and filling the holes.”
“Choices have consequences. I respect people’s choices, and I will not pick up on those consequences. That’s up to them. Hold her accountable, OP.” – RedditredRabbit
“This is probably something you should have talked about financially before having four kids, but we’re here now.”
“It’s likely pretty taxing looking after four kids, so are you helping out or is it just her? Since they are young and require constant attention, it’s kinda out of the question to ask her to get a job. But if they could be at a daycare or something like that, or if you can take care of them on certain days, then she should be able to get a part-time job and help her look for one instead of just waiting around for her to change.”
“Explain to her that 80k a year is not enough, and that as a family, you won’t be able to save for things that are important. You can always just stop enabling her to live this way by not buying her things or spending money because she won’t get a job. If she wants her own things, she can buy them.”
“But you did kinda walk into this, so I imagine this either ends in divorce or she actually realizes the free ride you are giving her is over and she gets her s**t together.” – Glittering-Skin4118
Others reassured the OP was NTA for his part-time job plans and possibly even for divorce.
“You’re not the a**hole for expecting your wife to contribute financially when you’re the sole earner struggling to cover basic expenses. Period.” – SmartacknowledgeGirl
“NTA. You are the sole income earner and your income barely covers basic expenses. Your wife’s refusal to contribute financially, despite your repeated requests and her previous promises, puts an unfair burden on you and limits your family’s options.” – Witty_Princess
“Given your wife’s lack of action, establishing financial boundaries seems reasonable. Consider a joint account for shared expenses and a separate one for your savings goals.” – Janellaacutie
“NTA for wanting to get that part-time job, OP. What needs to be done needs to be done. But make sure to open a separate bank account that your wife doesn’t have access to, and place all funds from that job in there.”
“This way the wife can’t access any spare money.”
“And if I were OP, I would consult a lawyer about a divorce: the wife seems lazy. I think just showing her those papers, even without serving her, would be a good incentive for her to find a new job.”
“He could say something along the lines of, ‘See, these are the divorce papers. If within three months you haven’t landed a new job, you’re going to be served them. If you lose your job after you got it, you get to be served.'”
“She had enough time already to apply for a new job.”
“Good luck OP, you’re NTA.” – Mapilean
“YTA to yourself. Get a separate account, and then get divorced. She’s got no interest in getting a job and will drag this out as long as she possibly can.”
“Once you’re separated, look at your financials when you aren’t supporting an adult mooch, and I’m sure you’ll find saving money much easier when she has no access to anything.” – TorturousTaco
“Depending on where OP is located, he wouldn’t have to pay alimony or child support after a divorce. Since typically disability is much more protected, she’d probably get nothing, especially if she is 100% capable of working but doesn’t.”
“In fact, if his reason for disability doesn’t leave him unable to be alone to take care of his children, a good lawyer would even be able to argue for primary custody.”
“Financial abuse can go two ways, and that’s what she’s doing to OP.”
“Despite popular opinions, a court isn’t going to rule that this woman never has to work again just because she’s lazy.”
“OP, she’s never going to change. Do yourself a favor and speak with a divorce attorney. They’ll know the laws in your area and be able to tell you if she’s entitled to anything.” – CurrencyBackground83
The subReddit found themselves cringing over this situation, both for how complicated it was and for how desperately this family clearly needed a change.
At least they had a wide array of options to choose from, even if one of the options was divorce.