We can never be too sure exactly who we can trust.
There are some people we think we can trust wholeheartedly with secret information and getting things done.
But even our nearest and dearest are capable of disappointing us.
Or even behaving duplicitously behind our backs.
Redditor DearMushroom9558 thought she was in a healthy relationship with her partner.
Until the original poster (OP) caught her partner behaving in a rather suspicious manner.
When the OP confronted her partner over this, her responses left the OP feeling there was truly no other solution but to end their relationship.
Concerned she may have been overreacting, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH (36 F[emale]) for breaking up with my partner (35, ) because they kept unplugging my cameras behind my back?
The OP explained why they felt there was no other choice but to end her relationship:
I (36 F[emale]) was dating my partner (35 F[emale]) for almost a year."
"I have my own apartment with my two dogs."
"From the day we met, we hung out every single day at my place."
"She loves my dogs and she can't have pets at her place, so it was the natural thing to do to hang at my place."
"We would hang out from the time we were both off work until it was time to go to bed and on weekends she would sleep at my place."
"She never gave me any reason not to trust her."
"Up until a few months ago, I did have a roommate, but once they moved out, I placed a couple Ring cameras inside my house so I can see what my dogs are up to when I'm not home."
"I will usually click 'Live View' and check on them at that exact moment."
"I rarely check back on the recorded videos unless there is something specific that happened, like one of the dogs chewing something up, or if a cute moment happened and I want to watch it back."
"One of the cameras was plugged into an extension cord which left the plug for the camera to sit on the countertop in the kitchen."
"A month or two ago, I noticed that this camera would be unplugged sometimes."
"At first, I thought nothing of it and figured it must have been bumped and got disconnected that way."
"After it happened a few more times, I finally decided I was going to look back on the recording history and see what the heck was going on each time the camera got unplugged."
"I was shocked, to say the least, when I found several videos where the last few seconds before the camera was disconnected, I saw my partner waiting until I left the room."
"It seemed to happen when I would take my dogs outside to go to the bathroom."
"My partner would go to the front door and look out to see what I am doing, then she would quickly (and nervously) walk over to where the camera was plugged in, she would be out of the frame, but the camera would freeze for a few seconds before ending."
"The recordings would start again after I plugged the camera back in a day or two later."
"I would usually notice it was unplugged on my lunch break when I would clean up the kitchen and my partner would not be at my house."
"When I said 'nervously', what I mean is while she was hurrying to where the camera is plugged in, she would look back at the front door to make sure I'm not coming back inside, and she would put her finger up to her mouth, like biting her nails type of thing, that usually kinda looks like a nervous tendency."
"This did not happen just once."
"It happened at least 4 times."
"And every single time, it was after I had left the room."
"And the videos absolutely look like she is being sneaky."
"And for what, I am not sure?"
"When I saw her next, before confronting her, I asked her if she knew why that camera kept getting unplugged."
"To which she replied that she didn't know and that maybe she had bumped it, causing it to disconnect."
"I plugged the camera in and started banging it around to see if the plug was perhaps loose in the outlet."
"It was not."
"She lied to my face."
"I confronted her with the videos, and she said the reason she unplugged them is because she can 'hear electricity' and that the high-pitched noise that the camera was making was driving her insane."
"She said she didn't say anything to me about it because she thought I would be upset."
"Which is crazy, because why would I get upset about something like that?"
"I would not sit there and make her, or anybody, be driven up a wall over some noise that is annoying them."
"I asked her to leave my house that night because her answers were not making sense to me and I needed to collect myself."
"Well, I ended up ending the relationship because everything about it seems so sneaky and weird."
"I will say that for the past two months, I had my Adderall come up missing, and she is the only person who comes over to my house."
"So it must either be her or my co-workers."
"I did not accuse her of stealing my meds!"
"She has since begged me to take her back and has said that nothing happened when she turned the cameras off and that it was the noise that was bugging her."
"And saying that, of course, I can trust her."
"But the sneaky way she checked on me after I left the room before running to turn the cameras off is too weird for me, and I don't feel that I can trust her anymore."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP did the right thing by breaking up with her partner.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP's partner was beyond suspicious, and agreed that her responses made it clear that she couldn't be trusted:
"Hey now that you're single, don't you think it's a good time to learn you can break up for any reason?"- Substantial_Win1725
"NTA."
"Unless you take her back."- Truebeliever-14
"NTA."
"But I'd be willing to bet she also stole your meds."
"If they were near the unplugged camera, then she absolutely did."
"If she had been honest when you asked, I might have said you overreacted, but given your whole story, no way."
"Cut her loose and move on with your life."
"You're young and will find someone trustworthy to spend your time with."- Oldmandeerhunter
"NTA."
"She's jones'en for that adderall!"
"Keep her out!"- Intrepid-Box-7461
"Ask her what happened to your Adderall."
"When she says she doesn't know, remind her she denied unplugging the camera until you confronted her with video evidence, and then ask her if she thinks that was the only camera you had in your house, then ask her again."
"Check to make sure the Adderall is the only thing that has gone missing."
"Do not let her back into your house or your life."- Historical_Agent9426
"NTA!"
"That's addict behavior."
"Straight up."
"Especially the nervousness before unplugging the cameras."
"Constantly checking over her shoulder to see where you were."
"It was premeditated, and she's the one stealing your meds."
"Let's be real."
"Your gut knows the truth."
"Don't lie to yourself."
"And when people show you who they are, believe them."
"She's upset that she no longer has access to YOUR Adderall."
"Again, NTAH- don't let her back in."
"Change your passwords and PIN/Security codes."- Stunning-Ad3377
"'My GF kept unplugging the security cameras and acting shady, also my medication that is commonly abused is going missing, and she is the only other person in my house'."
"My guy."
"Read it back."
"You did the right thing, addicts will drag you down with them every time."- Raivnholm
"NTA."
"Look, this is a huge red flag."
"Like if she has an issue with 'electricity', then why does she not have an issue with a tv running or the fridge going?"
"Or like 90% of the cables and wires in the house."
"I don't think the red flag is so big to be like she is cheating on you."
"But someone who will go around and lie to your face is not someone you want around."
"If she just came out with it straight when you asked her there would have been some leeway I think."
"Like I get being embarrassed about something like that."
"Especially when it's something 90% of the world (me included) are going to think she is crazy for."
"But the straight-up lying and only telling a partial truth when you confronted her is the biggest issue."
"Because even if it's not, that's how you will start thinking she treats all issues."
"And then where is the trust."
"But idk the biggest question remains."
"Will you ever be able to trust her again?"
"Because, well, I would not be able to."
"I would be second-guessing everything she said because if, after almost a year, she could not be honest with you about something small and silly, that is worrying."
"And it would make me a level of paranoid that I don't want in a relationship."
"If a relationship is making you a worse person and not a better one, then it is time for that relationship to end."- Fit_Secretary_4066
It's bad enough that the OP caught her partner red-handed unplugging the cameras.
But regardless of her reasons, if she felt the need to do anything behind the OP's back and then scream those vicious lies in her face, it's hard to see how this relationship had any chance of surviving.
As relationships are built on trust.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp