Weddings are expensive. But, they are easier to plan when people are upfront about what they can afford.
If someone can’t go to one of the events, and they say so in advance, there is no reason to ask that person to pay for said even.
Redditor Throw-Away_1128 encountered this very issue with her friend. So she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for not paying my ‘portion’ of a bachelorette weekend I won’t be attending?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Okay so a little backstory and kinda long. TLDR at bottom.”
“My cousin is getting married. His fiance and I are pretty close and I am going to be one of her 9 bridesmaids.”
“They have the bachelorette weekend planned for late August (wedding late September) I am also pregnant with twins and am technically expected to deliver mid September. But it could happen any time after mid August (twins usually come early and anything can happen).”
“I decided because of the close timing of it all, I would not be going to the bachelorette weekend.”
“As much as I want to be there, I don’t think its wise for me to be an hour away from my hospital. Plus there is a possibility I will have already had them.”
OP’s cousin still wanted her to pay.
“Anyways, her sister was looking at AirBnB and when messaging the whole bridal party about the options I expressed that I would not be in attendance and how I was really bummed I couldn’t make it.”
“I assumed that rather than splitting the cost between 9, she would split the cost between 8 because I’m the only one not going.”
“But she did not.”
“Once they settled on a place, she included me in the splitting of the cost when relaying the amount to the other girls. Rather than her sister ask me what was going on and talking to me directly, she starting getting on the bride about it and now the bride feels obligated to pay my portion.”
“The bride discussed this with me. And I told her I did not feel I should be responsible for the entire thing and neither should she.”
The bride’s sister should have been more understanding.
“Her sister should just have the other bridesmaids split my portion.”
“I even offered to give the bride half of the cost of my portion to help her offset the cost if she still was going to pay for it. It was all seemingly said and done.”
“But I got wind that when I mentioned buying a used patio set that was around the same price as the cost of the weekend, the bride was very upset and obviously holding some animosity towards me about not paying for the bachelorette weekend.”
“And it’s not necessarily about being able to afford it, so my personal expenses and purchases are irrelevant to the weekend.”
“I just feel it’s the principle of the fact I won’t be going.”
“So AITA for not automatically paying $250 for a weekend getaway I won’t be attending?”
“TLDR; won’t be attending a bachelorette weekend and notified them prior to booking the trip. Still included me in the overall cost, and I don’t feel I should be responsible for paying. AITA?”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“NTA, it’s super weird that they want you to pay for a weekend away you will not be going to… I don’t understand how that’s even come about…” ~ mooweemag
“It’s be different if she agreed up front and had to cancel. She’d be expected to honor her commitment.”
“But she declined up front and they committed her anyways. That ain’t right.” ~ Ruval
“There should be a ‘rule book’ about wedding etiquette to prevent things like this from happening.”
“One does not make people pay for events they will not be attending.”
“One does not obligate guests to pay for more than 1 or 2 gifts total for one’s relationship.” ~ ImFinePleaseThanks
“There’s something about weddings that bring out the absolute worst in people.”
“My Mom tried to control the guest list (my wife and I had only invited parents and siblings) and went on a campaign to try and get us to invite aunts, uncles cousins and grandparents. It took me threatening to un-invite her to shut her up.”
“People were furious there would be no stag or hen parties and desperately tried to persuade us despite the fact my wife and I don’t drink nor had we bothered with a wedding party.”
“My SiL was apoplectic my wife wasn’t wearing make up or having her professionally done. She said she was depriving herself of a wedding experience.”
“I could go on, years later I still find it shocking how much people tried to control an event they were simply invited to. It’s baffling, it seems to amplify the worst aspects of people’s characters and erodes their filters.” ~ traceitalian
OP added some edits.
“Edit: first of all, thank you to all who have commented and given some insight. It means a lot to get some other opinions on the situation.”
“Also, to answer some questions in the comments: the bride was not included in the initial split of the cost.”
“I don’t know if the other bridesmaids are aware of this situation. As far as I know it was just between the bride and her sister.”
“I KNOW I’m going to be cutting it close. My cousin is like my brother and I really don’t want to miss being a part of his special day.”
“And if for whatever reason, I am unable to be IN the wedding come the day of then so be it because she has 8 other bridesmaids that can fulfill all the duties necessary. But I hope it doesn’t come to that.”
“The wedding is local and I have a lot of family to help me in many ways. My MIL is even going to be visiting and will be watching the babies during the wedding.”
“Should also be noted that I talked to the bride about this. And she seemed understanding. And didn’t outright ask me to pay my allotted portion. I think by telling me she’s stuck with the cost she expected me to offer to pay it.”
“I cant say for certain but that’s how it feels. And now she’s upset after the fact and behind my back about not paying and making completely unrelated purchases.”
I still don’t understand why you would pay for a trip you’re not taking?