When one drinks too much, accidents can happen.
They can be catastrophic accidents or small ones that are suitable stories at parties.
And then there are stories like this...
Redditor Gillybby11 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not telling my partner that I didn't clean up his mess?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So my partner (34 M[ale]) and I (33 F[emale]) have been together for 4 years now."
"Last night, he got drunk and listened to his music downstairs, which he does sometimes on the weekends."
"He came to bed around midnight."
"I stayed up late playing games, and at around 3 am, he stood up from the bed."
"Then he walked over to the bedroom door and stands there a moment, and then I hear the pitter-patter of liquid hitting our linoleum floor."
"I immediately sit up and yell 'BABE! BABE!' to which he stops and goes 'woah woah!'"
"And stops, heads to the bathroom to finish up."
"He stumbles back to bed and passes out."
"This isn't the first time he's peed somewhere he shouldn't in his sleep- but it isn't something that happens a lot."
"I think it's happened maybe 3 times in his whole life, twice before we dated, and this was the only time I've been around for."
"It's like he's sleepwalking and gets confused."
"I grumble, take a photo of the puddle, plop a towel down and send him the photo and a message saying 'Just in case you forgot, you pissed on the floor last night.'"
"Because in my opinion, that's his responsibility to clean up... it wasn't a huge puddle, just a small one."
"He wakes up around 11 and sees my message."
"Walks over the towel."
"Starts his morning."
"I look over, and the cat is sitting on the towel, to which I go, 'No! That towel is dirty!'"
"And my partner suddenly looks up."
"'Is that towel there from last night!?' He asks."
"'Well yeah,' I respond."
"'Why didn't you tell me it was still dirty!' He complained."
"I said I wasn't going to clean up the mess he made last night; that was his responsibility."
"He said, 'That's not what I'm saying, why didn't you tell me sooner it was still there so I could clean it!'"
"So now he's sulking and cranky with me."
"He says it's because I 'didn't tell him sooner,' but I'm of the opinion that he's just mad I didn't clean it up for him."
"Like, he knew it was there, he saw the message."
"So, who else would have if he didn't clean it?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for not cleaning up my partner's mess?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that EVERYONE involved was the A**hole.
"ESH, but you're both way, way too old for any of this."
"34 years old is way too old to still be getting pissing-on-the-floor drunk and 33 is too old to willingly put up with an adult man that wouldn't clean up his own piss." ~ Fickle_Cranberry8536
"This. ^ "
"I (a woman in her mid 20s at the time) once was so intoxicated I peed on the floor in our hallway in the dead of night thinking it was the bathroom then, according to my boyfriend (now husband), spent the next 30 minutes unpacking our cleaning supplies and giving the floor a borderline professional clean, all while profusely apologising and refusing any help."
"Then I passed out and have zero recollection of it to this day."
"So, I stand by myself as an example of 'being drunk' isn't any excuse to not clean up your own floor piss really." ~ Elliskarae
"Seriously! Back when I could still hang like this, I exorcist-level vomited all over my and my now-wife's bedroom floor (carpeted)."
"I immediately cleaned it up, brought out our carpet cleaning vacuum, and got rid of every single ounce of it before my wife even realized I threw up."
"No excuse." ~ NerdWithKid
"Why do you need to tell him anything?"
"Jesus, he's not an idiot, right?"
"If you had cleaned it up, why the hell hadn't he already thanked you? Profusely."
"He isn't a puppy. NTA." ~ Bookslutforsmut
"As an alcoholic myself, think 4 to 10 drinks a day, I am ALWAYS able to negotiate peeing."
"I also have never, to my knowledge, sleep walked."
"More than likely, he is a weekend binge drinker that doesn't hold his alcohol well, and it results in this mess."
"Anyways, OP is NTA."
"For all you teetotalers and weekend psychologists out there that will tell me if you binge on the weekend, you are an alcoholic."
"I am simply stating as a regular drinker."
"I don't piss myself." ~ joe_eddie_13
"My only experience of this in an adult is from a father, brother, aunt and uncle who all had alcohol issues and would be incontinent in both senses and eith various regularity."
"This story actually gave me that pit in the stomach I remembered from being woken up as a child to my brother peeing on my bed."
"He was soundly asleep but also heavily drunk, and it became a semi-regular occurrence."
"He's in his 40s now, very much what would be called a functional alcoholic, and has a wife who complains about him frequently peeing in the corner of the bedroom when drunk."
"I think it just becomes an autopilot thing."
"That's not to say OP's boyfriend is an alcoholic, that all alcoholics will piss anywhere or that all sleepwalkers are alcoholics."
"I also sleepwalk, have never peed in the wrong place, and I don't drink alcohol."
"But if his sleepwalking and peeing in the bedroom only happens when he's been drinking, then there's an obvious correlation." ~ scoraiocht
"NTA, you literally texted him about his mess???"
"Is he blind, stupid, or just plain ignorant?"
"Also, why does it matter if he cleaned it earlier?"
"When he was sleeping???"
"Be a big boy and clean it up now?"
"Quietly???"
"What a baby!" ~ Upper_Criticism4353
"So… NTA… But your partner has a drinking problem."
"Being so drunk that you pee in strange places is a f**king benchmark, I swear." ~ Disastrous-Assist-90
"NTA - what did he think the towel was there for?"
"Maybe you should have reminded him when he got up, but you had let him know at the time, and it's just as easy for you to forget as it is for him."
"He's a grown-up; of course, he should mop his own pee up. Ugh." ~ Dear_Word8021
"Girl, nah, you did the right thing."
"He's a grown man, not a toddler."
"He pees, he cleans."
"I don't care if he was drunk; that's not an excuse."
"He's just mad he had to face the consequences of his own actions, to be honest."
"He should've cleaned it up immediately when he saw the pic, not wait till it was a whole thing." ~ LilyMorn
"NTA. I don't think he's necessarily even that mad about the towel, I think he's lashing out because he's embarrassed and feeling self-conscious about drinking so much that he pissed on the floor."
"As he should."
"Maybe it will help him make better decisions with alcohol next time."
"He is acting like a child, his ego is bruised, and he is responding with hostility to gain back that sense of control and superiority."
"Point is, he shouldn't be getting upset with you when he is the one who peed on the floor." ~l iftlovelive
"INFO: Is he medically blind?"
"Why would he need to be told that the dirty towel is still there?"
"NTA, obviously."
"It's not your responsibility to get him to clean up after himself."
"He needs to get his drinking under control."
"You are too old to be getting so drunk he urinates somewhere besides a toilet."
"You say it's only happened 3 times, but that's 3 times too many."
"For the majority of people, the number of times they've done that is 0 (barring like camping trips)." ~ annedroiid
"He has a drinking problem and he needs to nip that in the bud, pissing where you shouldn't leads to shitting the bed (literally)."
"One night you'll wake up in bed to him pissing on your back in his drunkenness, heard plenty of horror stories unfortunately." ~ FarrenFlayer89
"All of you saying NTA."
"So you think that if your partner pees on the floor IN THEIR SLEEP, the best thing to do is let it sit there, sog and smell, all f**kin' night, instead of taking 2 minutes to clean it, just because it's not your mess but your partner's."
"Wow. Quite the adult thing to do. Bravo." ~ youshallneverlearn
"ESH. Obviously, your partner should not get this drunk, but you just let pee spread and soak through everything for hours?"
"By this point, how are you going to remove the smell?"
"I cannot imagine caring less about your home and being this petty to prove a point." ~ wrath_aita
"He got the text and assumed you cleaned it up for him."
"When he saw the towel on the floor, he reasoned that it must be there to dry the mopped floor."
"That's why he stepped over it."
"Just providing the possible logic he used."
"However, he still did not thank you when he thought you cleaned up after him."
"Then he took his anger out on you when you rightfully didn't clean up after him. NTA." ~ cyanidelemonade
"ESH, not with a cat, bro."
"Clean that piss up and be the responsible sober pet parent." ~ beaniejell
"NTA. I hope what I say next is not seen as insulting."
"If this is a repeating occurrence, I think your bf might have a drinking problem."
"Now, just because someone drinks too much and does something embarrassing, it doesn't make them an alcoholic."
"But if the same behavior continues or escalates, it's definitely an indication of a substance abuse issue."
"Do not pick up his messes."
"Do not minimize the behavior."
"Do not let him turn it around on you or play the victim."
"My opinion doesn't come from a place of judgment, but from one of experience."
"I'm now 6 years sober from a 15-year run on drugs and booze." ~ ODeasOfYore
"My partner has done this as well, just when he's really had too much to drink."
"Apparently, he used to sleepwalk as a young child and peed in the closet then too (in view of family, lol)."
"That being said, he always cleans it up - no question." ~ Mean-Key4005
"ESH, but I gotta say that I think you suck a little more."
"His was a stupid, drunken mistake that caused a problem you shouldn't have to clean, but unless we're talking about tile with solid grout on a floor that's at an angle towards a drain away from your baseboards, you're ruining your flooring out of pettiness."
"That's truly a new one for me."
"You could have at least slopped up the moisture."
"I'm literally putting in a new flooring today because of a dog that did what your husband did."
"I don't know."
"He sounds like he might have a drinking problem, but that's not what we're judging here."
"So I'd say you're the a**hole to your house more than him since you were awake enough to fix it." ~ FlaxFox
"NTA, no way!"
"Being drunk is NO excuse."
"He is trying to hold you responsible for his mess being there."
"Red flags." ~ Time-Tie-231
"I mean, most decent people would have cleaned it even after sending the text."
"Acting like it happens often."
"It was once. Yeah, YTA." ~ oetyscupcake
"NTA. He has eyes, yes?"
"So he can see that there's a towel on the floor."
"And he chose to step over it."
"Now it's your fault for not speaking to him like a toddler to tell him there's still a mess?"
"Absolutely not."
"OP, your boyfriend needs to start acting like an adult and not a helpless little boy who needs his mommy to guide him through every little thing in life." ~ HateFilledSquirrel
"NTA. He's putting the blame on you for something he did."
"I'd start looking for a new partner." ~ Spare_Ad5009
Reddit is all over the place, OP.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend maybe need to have a significant chat about relationship expectations.
This is an issue that needs some attention.
His drinking, his peeing, your choice to leave urine on the floor... there is a lot to unpack here.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp