Being there for a loved one in a time of great need is wonderful.
Everyone wants to be able to help someone if they can.
But sometimes the people in need can get too needy.
Helping a person shouldn’t be a hindrance to one’s own life.
Redditor Quirky-Sir7982 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AITA for refusing to ‘babysit’ my adult sister after she moved back home and started treating me like her personal assistant?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“So this is a weird one, and I genuinely don’t know if I handled it poorly.”
“My younger sister is 20 years old, and she recently moved back in with our parents after a breakup.”
“I’m 24 years old, living about 20 minutes away from home, but I visit often because my parents are old and I help them with errands.”
“My sister and I were never very close, but things between us were always okay.”
“The issue is that ever since she moved back, she keeps acting like I’m supposed to manage her life for her.”
“It started small, asking me to remind her of appointments, asking me to look over emails, asking me to drive her to pick up her car because she didn’t feel like dealing with Uber.”
“It was really annoying, but manageable.”
“Soon, it escalated so fast.”
“She began calling me while I was at work to ask where she had left her wallet.”
“She’d text me screenshots of arguments with her ex, asking me to decode what he means.”
“She even asked me to call her boss to say she would be late because she was too drained to speak professionally.”
“I told her no, obviously.”
“Last weekend was the breaking point.”
“I went to my parents’ house to drop off groceries.”
“My sister had apparently booked a nail appointment across town and just assumed I’d drive her because I was to pass that same way.”
“When I said I couldn’t because I was literally just stopping by and had groceries in my car that needed to go home, she got upset and said I was abandoning her during a hard time.”
“My mom tried to mediate, but my sister kept saying things like, ‘If you cared, you’d help me get back on my feet.'”
“I lost my temper a bit and said, ‘You’re an adult, not a toddler. I can support you, but I’m not your babysitter.'”
“She looked genuinely hurt and left to go to her room.”
“Now my dad thinks I could’ve phrased things more gently, and my mom says my sister has been really fragile since the breakup.”
“But I feel like I’ve been more than patient, and it’s not fair to be expected to manage her life.”
“I also don’t want to set a precedent that every time she has a crisis, I become the default caretaker just because I’m the dependable sibling.”
“My sister hasn’t spoken to me since, except for one text that said, ‘Good to know how you really see me.'”
“I’m kind of unsure because I don’t want to be cold, but I also don’t want this dynamic where I’m basically her emotional and logistical manager.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for telling her I’m not her babysitter?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. Taking her to a nail appointment is not about ‘support’ but entitlement.”
“Even a ‘fragile’ person has manners and enough sense to ask for a ride ahead of time.” ~ Cappa_Cail
“NTA and your sister need to grow up and start being independent.”
“Please stop helping her with everything (or anything, quite frankly).” ~ CluesLostHelp
“Good. She needs to grow TF up.”
“She had a breakup.”
“Boo hoo, we have all had breakups.”
“It seems she’s using that as an excuse to act like a baby.”
“I know women who have lost their husbands in death and don’t behave like this.”
“Because they’re adults.”
“She’s an adult.”
“Every single time she asks for something, politely say no.”
“‘I’m sorry, I’m not available.’ Every time.”
“Absolutely NTA.” ~ Dependent-Feed1105
“NTA. Perhaps moving back home has reverted your sister back into a needy 16-year-old old but that’s not your problem.”
“She needs to grow up and take accountability for her own life.” ~ BlondDee1970
“Nope, you are NTA.”
“Your sister needs to end her little pity party and put her big-girl pants back on.” ~ Fiempre-sin-tabla
“NTA. Give her a few weeks.”
“When she needs you to do something for her, she’ll be back asking you for a favor, and she will have conveniently forgotten how ‘wounded ‘she was by your words.” ~ Possible_Raspberry75
“Her behavior is inappropriate and takes you completely for granted.”
“Everyone hits rough patches and needs support.”
“But that’s not a blank check to turn someone else into their personal assistant.”
“A bad breakup doesn’t justify not being able to keep track of your wallet.”
“Could you have been nicer?”
“Yes. But overall NTA.” ~ ironchef8000
“NTA. You could have been less blunt, but it would then have been ineffective.”
“She needed clarity more than any ambiguous circumvention.”
‘It may take some growing up on her part before she realizes the truth of your words.”
“In the meantime, don’t backslide into a role that makes you a parent or a servant to her.”
“At her age, she needs to start accepting responsibility for herself.” ~ extinct_diplodocus
“Well, I think we can make a good guess at why her relationship broke up.”
“Pandering to her lazy ways isn’t going to fix her being manipulative and annoying.”
“You’re doing the right thing.”
“She has feet, and she needs to get moving on them herself. NTA.” ~ IllustriousBowler259
“NTA, I 100% would have said something similar.”
“Having a breakup is a part of life, and one she may need to get used to if she treats her partners the way she treats her family.”
“I would imagine she is a bit pushy with your parents as well, so you need to have a word with her about that, especially as they are aging.”
“Just because a part of her world stopped, doesn’t mean everyone else’s world needs to stop, and it certainly doesn’t mean that everyone needs to pander to her whims and desires.”
“If she is big enough to live with a man, she is big enough to manage herself, and she needs to start doing that.”
“Obviously, you may want to deliver that in a softer manner than my words, but this is the gist of growing up – you will do her no favors in not being upfront with her.”
“Good luck!” ~ underscore_hashtags
“NTA. While it might be sad for her, she’s becoming way too reliant on you.”
“Don’t feel bad.”
“She is an adult, and she can talk about her feelings if she wants to, not treat you like a ride share driver!”
“A nail appointment???” ~ Donkeh101
“NTA, though it is unfortunate that you snapped at her like that.”
“She doesn’t consider your needs (like going home to put away your groceries; and did she expect you to wait for her to get done to take her back home?) and assumes your at her back and call.”
“She’s an emotional vampire, which probably makes you feel drained.”
“The fact that she hasn’t spoken to you is giving you a vacation.”
“Let her make the first move.” ~ Zoreb1
“First off, how old are your parents?”
“I’m 56 and perfectly healthy.”
“My eyesight isn’t what it used to be, and I prefer not to stay out late, but if I trained, it would be no problem to run a 5k, and I’m just as mentally Sharon as when I was your age.”
“Of course you are NTA, but seriously, being in your 50s is not a death sentence requiring 24-hour care.” ~ Iwantaschmoo
“NTA. Your sister has been acting childishly.”
“Did she honestly think it would be a good look for her older sister to call her boss to tell them she’s going to be late?”
“However, it does sound like she is going through a lot with her breakup.”
“She needs to cut off communication with her ex because it sounds like it’s making things worse.”
“She should really consider going to therapy to help her cope with what she’s been going through so that she can get her life back on track.” ~ NalaIDGAF20
“NTA. Yeah, you could’ve worded things better, but your sister is acting really entitled and super needy.”
“You know what has helped me the most after a breakup?”
“Putting energy into myself.”
“She isn’t going to work on her own sh*t with you or anyone else enabling her.”
“I’m also guessing she probably treated her ex like this, and it’s probably part of why she got dumped.”
“I would sit down with her and say that you don’t mind helping her out when it’s not too inconvenient or it’s an emergency, but what she’s asking for is too much.”
“If you keep helping her with all of these things, not only is it hard and unfair to you, but it’s going to hold her back from doing what she needs to do to move on.”
“If she keeps throwing a fit, it’s because she’s a narcissist and/or desperate to not have to take care of herself.”
“And that isn’t your problem to solve.” ~ ThatKinkyLady
“NTA. Fragile, my a** – she’s milking the situation for all it’s worth.”
“A trip to the nail salon has nothing to do with getting back on her feet.”
“‘Support’ doesn’t mean demanding everyone else drop what they’re doing and coddle her through everyday tasks.” ~ bjorkenstocks
“NTA nope, she’s an adult, not a toddler.”
“Even if she was, she isn’t your problem; her parents can deal with that since they see nothing wrong with their little wounded angel.” ~ whydoweneedthiscrap
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your sister needs to get it together.
Everyone goes through breakups.
You gave her some tough love; she’ll survive.