Being there for a loved one in a time of great need is wonderful.
Everyone wants to be able to help someone if they can.
But sometimes the people in need can get too needy.
Helping a person shouldn't be a hindrance to one's own life.
Redditor Quirky-Sir7982 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for refusing to 'babysit' my adult sister after she moved back home and started treating me like her personal assistant?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So this is a weird one, and I genuinely don't know if I handled it poorly."
"My younger sister is 20 years old, and she recently moved back in with our parents after a breakup."
"I'm 24 years old, living about 20 minutes away from home, but I visit often because my parents are old and I help them with errands."
"My sister and I were never very close, but things between us were always okay."
"The issue is that ever since she moved back, she keeps acting like I'm supposed to manage her life for her."
"It started small, asking me to remind her of appointments, asking me to look over emails, asking me to drive her to pick up her car because she didn't feel like dealing with Uber."
"It was really annoying, but manageable."
"Soon, it escalated so fast."
"She began calling me while I was at work to ask where she had left her wallet."
"She'd text me screenshots of arguments with her ex, asking me to decode what he means."
"She even asked me to call her boss to say she would be late because she was too drained to speak professionally."
"I told her no, obviously."
"Last weekend was the breaking point."
"I went to my parents' house to drop off groceries."
"My sister had apparently booked a nail appointment across town and just assumed I'd drive her because I was to pass that same way."
"When I said I couldn't because I was literally just stopping by and had groceries in my car that needed to go home, she got upset and said I was abandoning her during a hard time."
"My mom tried to mediate, but my sister kept saying things like, 'If you cared, you'd help me get back on my feet.'"
"I lost my temper a bit and said, 'You're an adult, not a toddler. I can support you, but I'm not your babysitter.'"
"She looked genuinely hurt and left to go to her room."
"Now my dad thinks I could've phrased things more gently, and my mom says my sister has been really fragile since the breakup."
"But I feel like I've been more than patient, and it's not fair to be expected to manage her life."
"I also don't want to set a precedent that every time she has a crisis, I become the default caretaker just because I'm the dependable sibling."
"My sister hasn't spoken to me since, except for one text that said, 'Good to know how you really see me.'"
"I'm kind of unsure because I don't want to be cold, but I also don't want this dynamic where I'm basically her emotional and logistical manager."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for telling her I'm not her babysitter?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Taking her to a nail appointment is not about 'support' but entitlement."
"Even a 'fragile' person has manners and enough sense to ask for a ride ahead of time." ~ Cappa_Cail
"NTA and your sister need to grow up and start being independent."
"Please stop helping her with everything (or anything, quite frankly)." ~ CluesLostHelp
"Good. She needs to grow TF up."
"She had a breakup."
"Boo hoo, we have all had breakups."
"It seems she's using that as an excuse to act like a baby."
"I know women who have lost their husbands in death and don't behave like this."
"Because they're adults."
"She's an adult."
"Every single time she asks for something, politely say no."
"'I'm sorry, I'm not available.' Every time."
"Absolutely NTA." ~ Dependent-Feed1105
"NTA. Perhaps moving back home has reverted your sister back into a needy 16-year-old old but that's not your problem."
"She needs to grow up and take accountability for her own life." ~ BlondDee1970
"Nope, you are NTA."
"Your sister needs to end her little pity party and put her big-girl pants back on." ~ Fiempre-sin-tabla
"NTA. Give her a few weeks."
"When she needs you to do something for her, she'll be back asking you for a favor, and she will have conveniently forgotten how 'wounded 'she was by your words." ~ Possible_Raspberry75
"Her behavior is inappropriate and takes you completely for granted."
"Everyone hits rough patches and needs support."
"But that's not a blank check to turn someone else into their personal assistant."
"A bad breakup doesn't justify not being able to keep track of your wallet."
"Could you have been nicer?"
"Yes. But overall NTA." ~ ironchef8000
"NTA. You could have been less blunt, but it would then have been ineffective."
"She needed clarity more than any ambiguous circumvention."
'It may take some growing up on her part before she realizes the truth of your words."
"In the meantime, don't backslide into a role that makes you a parent or a servant to her."
"At her age, she needs to start accepting responsibility for herself." ~ extinct_diplodocus
"Well, I think we can make a good guess at why her relationship broke up."
"Pandering to her lazy ways isn't going to fix her being manipulative and annoying."
"You're doing the right thing."
"She has feet, and she needs to get moving on them herself. NTA." ~ IllustriousBowler259
"NTA, I 100% would have said something similar."
"Having a breakup is a part of life, and one she may need to get used to if she treats her partners the way she treats her family."
"I would imagine she is a bit pushy with your parents as well, so you need to have a word with her about that, especially as they are aging."
"Just because a part of her world stopped, doesn't mean everyone else's world needs to stop, and it certainly doesn't mean that everyone needs to pander to her whims and desires."
"If she is big enough to live with a man, she is big enough to manage herself, and she needs to start doing that."
"Obviously, you may want to deliver that in a softer manner than my words, but this is the gist of growing up - you will do her no favors in not being upfront with her."
"Good luck!" ~ underscore_hashtags
"NTA. While it might be sad for her, she's becoming way too reliant on you."
"Don't feel bad."
"She is an adult, and she can talk about her feelings if she wants to, not treat you like a ride share driver!"
"A nail appointment???" ~ Donkeh101
"NTA, though it is unfortunate that you snapped at her like that."
"She doesn't consider your needs (like going home to put away your groceries; and did she expect you to wait for her to get done to take her back home?) and assumes your at her back and call."
"She's an emotional vampire, which probably makes you feel drained."
"The fact that she hasn't spoken to you is giving you a vacation."
"Let her make the first move." ~ Zoreb1
"First off, how old are your parents?"
"I'm 56 and perfectly healthy."
"My eyesight isn't what it used to be, and I prefer not to stay out late, but if I trained, it would be no problem to run a 5k, and I'm just as mentally Sharon as when I was your age."
"Of course you are NTA, but seriously, being in your 50s is not a death sentence requiring 24-hour care." ~ Iwantaschmoo
"NTA. Your sister has been acting childishly."
"Did she honestly think it would be a good look for her older sister to call her boss to tell them she's going to be late?"
"However, it does sound like she is going through a lot with her breakup."
"She needs to cut off communication with her ex because it sounds like it's making things worse."
"She should really consider going to therapy to help her cope with what she's been going through so that she can get her life back on track." ~ NalaIDGAF20
"NTA. Yeah, you could've worded things better, but your sister is acting really entitled and super needy."
"You know what has helped me the most after a breakup?"
"Putting energy into myself."
"She isn't going to work on her own sh*t with you or anyone else enabling her."
"I'm also guessing she probably treated her ex like this, and it's probably part of why she got dumped."
"I would sit down with her and say that you don't mind helping her out when it's not too inconvenient or it's an emergency, but what she's asking for is too much."
"If you keep helping her with all of these things, not only is it hard and unfair to you, but it's going to hold her back from doing what she needs to do to move on."
"If she keeps throwing a fit, it's because she's a narcissist and/or desperate to not have to take care of herself."
"And that isn't your problem to solve." ~ ThatKinkyLady
"NTA. Fragile, my a** - she's milking the situation for all it's worth."
"A trip to the nail salon has nothing to do with getting back on her feet."
"'Support' doesn't mean demanding everyone else drop what they're doing and coddle her through everyday tasks." ~ bjorkenstocks
"NTA nope, she's an adult, not a toddler."
"Even if she was, she isn't your problem; her parents can deal with that since they see nothing wrong with their little wounded angel." ~ whydoweneedthiscrap
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your sister needs to get it together.
Everyone goes through breakups.
You gave her some tough love; she'll survive.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp