Being a bridesmaid can be a very meaningful experience.
Some people wait years to be asked to be part of a loved one's bridal party.
It can be a huge bonding moment.
So when someone who is thrilled to be a bridesmaid is then dropped from the line-up, a lot of hurt feelings start flying.
Redditor Simple-Camel-20 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for telling my pregnant sister I don't think she can physically handle being my bridesmaid on my wedding day?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm (25 F[emale]) getting married, and my sister (31 F) was supposed to be one of my bridesmaids."
"She's 7 months pregnant and I don't think she can handle it."
"She's dripping sweat and flushed even if it's just a little hot or if she does anything, like a little activity."
"She gets exhausted easily."
"She looks uncomfortable standing or walking."
"I love her, and I wanted her as a bridesmaid, but I don't want to have to worry about her."
"I spoke to her and I told her I don't think she can physically handle being my bridesmaid."
"Even though she was dripping and out of breath from our little walk, she told me she could handle it."
"She accused me of treating her unfairly just because she's pregnant."
"I held firm and told her she can't be a bridesmaid."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Are you planning some sort of obstacle course for your wedding?" ~ UsedAd7162
"This seems weird."
"I was 7 months pregnant with S[ensory] P[rocessing] D[isorder], so I had a walker and crutches for stairs."
"Whenever the bride didn't need active help, I sat down."
"My sister wanted me as her aide, so she arranged things so I could do it."
"Being able to immediately sit if required on the walker meant all duties could be performed."
"It's not like a bridesmaid has to do very much that's physically demanding."
"I've been both a grooms attendant and a bridesmaid at multiple weddings, and there were never any jobs at the reception aside from giving a speech."
"My sister's wedding was more formal than most."
"High orthodox." ~ AnnoyedOwlbear
"Bridesmaid, not maid of honor."
"The duties you're talking about are the maid of honor."
"She's pregnant; if OP actually loves her and wants her there, she can easily make some minor, reasonable accommodations."
"God, I hope none of you people making excuses 'loves' anyone with a real disability."
"So inconvenient for you." ~ ArthurDentsRobeTie
"OP says her sister is uncomfortable just standing still."
"Typically, the bridesmaids would be standing next to the bride for the entire ceremony, which can sometimes be pretty long."
"It may be in a hot, stuffy church or outside in the baking sun."
"And she won't even be able to sit down for a moment to catch her breath."
"If she does go sit down for a minute and then come back up, that would be super disruptive to the ceremony, not to mention then everyone (bride included) will be focused on the sister's well-being and not the ceremony."
"Maybe she could still be a bridesmaid and just not stand?"
"Like she wears the matching dress and goes to all the events, she just has the option of sitting during the ceremony."
"I do think it's extreme to remove her altogether."
"But it doesn't take an obstacle course to make a 7-month pregnant woman feel out of breath or even dizzy." ~ treehuggerfroglover
"YTA. It's your sister."
"How much work does it really take to be your bridesmaid?"
"Are they required to perform manual labor for you all day?"
"I'm sure a pregnant woman can stand through the ceremony, and if not, hey, let her sit."
"Because again- it's your sister." ~ MisunderstoodPeg
"To add to this, a week before my sister's wedding, I was hospitalised with an infection, and I was on crutches for her wedding, where I was to be a bridesmaid."
"I was able to get down the aisle without the crutches, but then had them handed back to me while I was standing near the altar."
"If I hadn't been able to walk down the aisle, it would have been 'Oh no, well I guess we'll get you a chair and we'll meet you up front.'"
"It didn't ruin anything."
"Makes a cute story."
"YTA OP." ~ Sweeper1985
"At a family member's wedding, one of the bridesmaids was just barely postpartum, so they arranged it so she'd stand as little as possible, and she was holding her baby with a giant flower headband instead of a bouquet."
"The best man was the newborn's father, so it was understood that if the timing didn't work out and they missed the wedding, oh well, it happened, and the party would still be balanced."
"If you want to make it work, you can." ~ Errvalunia
"Get her a chair if needed."
"I had a broken foot at a wedding I was in."
"They put a chair where we were standing so I could sit."
"And shockingly, the wedding was not ruined by this." ~ SummitJunkie7
"My cousin was one of my bridesmaids and was 8 months pregnant at my wedding."
"I was worried about it being too much or uncomfortable."
"When she told me she was pregnant and asked about it, I said I would be thrilled if she still wanted to be my bridesmaid."
"If it would be too much or if she found she was getting too uncomfortable leading up to the day, then she could absolutely step down, but I'd leave it up to her."
"If she did want to be a bridesmaid, I didn't care what she wore, and if she did wear the dress, she could change at any time main thing was for her to be comfortable on the day."
"She found the dress in a size that would fit and wore it to the church and photos, and then changed into something more comfortable, and everyone was happy."
"Can't imagine saying she couldn't be in the wedding because she was pregnant." ~ mahnamahna123
"Right? I had no bridesmaids and - would you believe - I was still able to get married because bridesmaids aren't necessary!"
"OP's sister could literally sit on her @ss the whole time, be in a couple of photos, and it would be no different than her not being in the wedding party except that the relationship is preserved." ~ katoolah
"As someone who had been a bridesmaid multiple times, yes. Bridesmaids are constantly expected to do tasks not only leading up to the wedding day but on the wedding day itself."
"They've somehow become unpaid labor for brides."
"OP only needs to refrain from asking her sister to do extra things on the wedding day, and maybe get her a small battery-operated handheld fan if she's so concerned about sweating and redness."
"And maybe make sure she gets an updo to help keep the back of the neck cool to also help her regulate her temperature since pregnancy throws all that off." ~ duchess_of_fire
"YTA, what you should have said was 'How can I make sure you are comfortable and safe on the day?'"
"All she's got to do is stand there and look nice."
"All you had to do was make sure she had a chair nearby and maybe a change of shoes."
"But you dumped her."
"That's pretty lousy of you." ~ MoreCleverUserName
"She doesn't even need to stand!"
"OP could hover her a chair or stool." ~ riotousgrowlz
"Thank you!!!"
"Like, why could this not have been more delicately handled?!"
"Did OP just not want a 'big sweaty pregnant' bridesmaid ruining her aesthetic?"
"I was a bridesmaid in two weddings at 7 months, one on a beach walking in sand, and my friends paired me with groomsmen to make sure I had a strong arm if I needed support, offered whatever I needed to feel comfy because they love me and wanted me up there, and wanted to honor our friendships in that way."
"It doesn't take much to be kind, OP."
"Could have let her walk and offered for her to sit instead of standing, anything. YTA." ~ ScholarLongjumping15
"This is EXACTLY what I think it is!"
"OP is a tremendous AH." ~ TeriBarrons
"YTA- let her decide what she can and can't handle."
"I was a bridesmaid in a wedding 3 weeks before my due date, and it was fine."
"It seems like something is missing from your story that you're so eager to kick her out of your wedding party." ~ crazy_river_otter
"YTA. You just don't want a sweaty, fat bridesmaid who'll pull focus from you."
"Don't try to put it in her unless she specifically told you she can't handle it." ~ Tough-Combination-37
"YTA for deciding for her."
"I think you are just worried about the optics not being picture perfect." ~ tymopa
"YTA. Why not make accommodations for her?"
"If she can't stand for the ceremony, then... offer to get her a chair?"
"You could get chairs for everyone in the wedding party so she's not singled out, or have them all sit in the front row of the audience."
"You can ask your photographer for ideas for group shots that include seated people."
"You have options here." ~ trying-to-be-nicer
"YTA. She can't walk down the short aisle and then sit during the ceremony?"
"I had a bridesmaid who was 8.5 months pregnant at my wedding."
"I gave her the choice of remaining a bridesmaid, being an usher, or being a guest."
"I made sure she knew I wanted her a part of my day."
"What I didn't do was kick her to the curb." ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
"YTA, most definitely."
"All she needs to do is show up and stand or sit next to you if necessary."
"That's, of course, in the case in which you want her there because she's important to you and not for some made-up tradition to make you feel like the most important person in the universe." ~ 3600MilesAway
Reddit is not supportive of your decisions, OP.
Your sister must be heartbroken.
There have to be ways to compromise.
Reddit was chock-full of ideas.
Maybe start by having a heart-to-heart and listening to feelings.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp