Figuring out how the day-to-day of life goes immediately following childbirth can be an uphill battle.
Some births are more difficult than others.
So that may require more rest for the mom.
But birth doesn’t mean the other aspects of life stop, especially when older kids are involved.
Navigating the new normal is sometimes tricky.
Redditor Throwawayquiter wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to take care of my children?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (26 F[emale]) gave birth to my second child two days ago (it was a beautiful home birth, so I was never discharged from the hospital).”
“With my first and this pregnancy, I made it clear to my husband that I wanted to follow the 5-5-5 rule.”
“He seemed to drag his feet, but because he wanted kids more than I did he agreed”
“I STILL LOVE MY KIDS DEARLY AND WOULDN’T NOT HAVE THEM NOW… I just didn’t want to go through pregnancy.”
“First five days ‘In bed.'”
“Nothing but skin-to-skin with my daughter, breastfeeding, and resting.”
“Next five days ‘on bed.’”
“Sitting up, still breastfeeding, cuddling with baby, doing homework with my son, crossword puzzles etc.”
“Next five after that ‘around bed.'”
“Still majority resting but doing light chores, folding laundry, diaper changing, just not standing for more than 30 minutes.”
“All while still, cuddling with baby, breastfeeding baby, doing homework with my son, and coloring.”
“This baby is very colicky and my husband is the one having to get out of bed, walk around with her and sit in the rocking chair, do diapers, and take her and our son on walks to get some sunshine.”
“Our son (5) has started acting out at home due to the stress of the new baby and lack of sleep, we’ve offered him to go to my parents next door and he seems interested.”
“We’ve prepared a month’s worth of freezer meals, so for dinner, all he has to do is throw the DISPOSABLE tin in the oven and walk away for a few hours.”
“We have more than enough disposable dishwashers.”
“We have a Dog he needs to feed and take out on walks with the kids.”
“Today, he came to me crying, saying it was all too much and he couldn’t do this by himself.”
“I reminded him that he agreed to it and I have to go back to work shortly after the 5-5-5 is up, so I need to be as rested and healed as possible so I can better perform tasks at work and then come home and perform tasks as well.”
“He begged me to help out with our son, who will not sit still, and help with light cleaning (wiping countertops, gathering clutter into a pile, etc).”
“I again said no, I am entitled to rest, and I will help around the house in eight days.”
“I’m not looking for advice on the 5-5-5 method.”
“That’s not what this post is about.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA… but sitting around in and around the bed will increase your risk of postpartum D[eep] V[ain] T[hrombosis].”
“You need to be moving around regularly (not necessarily doing chores).”
“Make sure you’re planning in a little mobility alongside your resting.”
“Pregnancy and being postpartum already increases that risk.”
“Immobility increases it again.” ~ Ok-Educator850
“You are an AH to yourself for having children with this man…”
“Being almost completely in bed for 5 days after giving birth is the bare minimum, you’re NTA for wanting this 5-5-5 rule.”
“It shouldn’t need to be a rule, you should be able to do it because that’s how you’re feeling, and your ‘loving husband’ should want you to rest and heal…”
“However, I would be very careful about sending your older child out of the house right now, even if he is close and even if it’s with people he knows.”
“He’s ‘acting out’ because he’s feeling displaced by the baby.”
“He needs to be physically and emotionally ‘brought closer’ to understand his place is still where it has always been, WITH YOU!”
“Instead of sending him to the grandparent’s house, can the grandparents come to your house for an hour or two a day to give him extra attention or make sure he gets a healthy dinner or whatever?”
“Keep your elder child close!” ~ OrindaSarnia
“My parents got me a Cabbage Patch doll when my brother was born.”
“Mommy had a baby and I had a baby too! I would copy my mom doing all the things she did with the baby minus the breastfeeding.”
“My doll had a mouth hole for a bottle and soother.”
“My folks said I never got jealous over the new baby because I was so distracted with my own.”
“I slept with that doll into adulthood and lost her in a house fire.”
“I have yet to find the same one on eBay.”
“Anyhoo, OP, maybe try this with your little guy!”
“Teach him to feed his doll and change its diapers.”
“Worked with me!” ~ themaggiesuesin
“NTA. But! Unless you’re very healthy (under 35, B[ody] M[ass] I[ndex] under 30, have had less than 3 term pregnancies, with no history of smoking/diabetes/varicose veins/Chrones or I[rritable] B[owl] S[syndrome]/prolonged hospitalization/surgical procedures or any family history of non-surgery related DVTS), you’ll need to mobilize a little.”
“If you get a Deep Vein Thrombosis, have a stroke or a pulmonary embolism, that’ll really ruin your maternity leave.”
“The blood gets extra sticky during late pregnancy to compensate for and reduce blood loss at birth. If you’re genuinely barely moving for 15 days and have any of the above conditions, your risk of having a stroke (as a result of that extra sticky blood not being pushed around your veins from movement and causing clots) is very high.”
“Please mobilize.” ~ HayWhatsCooking
“At one time after birth, they wouldn’t let you get up for 9 hours after giving birth and convalesce for two weeks, but because of what you mentioned above, this was stopped.”
“You’re now encouraged to get up as soon as you give birth and keep moving around (this is all ages not just above 30 or any preexisting conditions).”
“OP is putting herself at risk.” ~ Green-Dragon-14
“NTA. Retired nurse here and just want to offer a ‘caution.'”
“5 days in bed after delivery results in a large risk for blood clots and complications even after an uncomplicated delivery (at home or hospital).”
“I understand the need for you to spend time with newborn bonding, getting your milk supply established, and getting needed rest.”
“I agree the husband should be prepared to take care of the household duties, including care of your other child, please make sure you do get up and move around.”
“And it would be perfectly acceptable to hire a cleaning service for 2-3 times a week if you can afford it.”
“Baby clothes pile up quickly, right?” ~ Retired-Onc-Nurse
Some opinions differed…
“There is no reason she can’t fold laundry or entertain her son while the husband hears up dinner, and cleans.”
“She can read her son a book or 2.”
“I’d be embarrassed to tell people I am not getting out of bed for 15 days forcing my husband to do it all.”
“Just because he wanted kids doesn’t mean he should be doing all the work.”
“He didn’t force you to get pregnant.”
“You obviously consented.”
“You are partners.”
“Help EACH OTHER out.” ~ cul8terbye
“I am a medical doctor, and I’m here to say THIS.”
“There is no valid reason for a woman to stay on bed rest if she had a vaginal birth with no complications.”
“It’s a supremely bad idea, and increases the risk of blood clots, either deep vein thrombosis or a pulmonary embolism.”
“Even with a C-section or any sort of surgery, we try to get the patient up and walking, if possible, as soon as possible.”
“And if OP had a home birth with no medical care (that includes midwives, they’re considered a medical profession in some countries, including mine), I doubt she’s on anti-clotting meds (though I hope I’m wrong).”
“I’m gonna give any sort of ruling though I’m leaning towards Y-T-A, but I do want to emphasize how dangerous staying in bed for five days can be.” ~ Eleima
“I’m sorry, but what if you had to have a c-section or had other complications that required extended time off…?”
“Your employer sucks in this regard.”
“There was plenty of time for them to come up with a plan for coverage, including hiring a temporary person for your maternity leave.”
“I get it needing the income I really do.”
“When I had my first son, I was in the same boat with no benefits.”
“Any time off was completely unpaid.”
“We saved some… not much, but some.”
“During the 7 weeks I was off we qualified for fuel assistance and such.”
“If I had thought about it, I probably would have applied for W[omen], I[nfants], and C[hildren] or even transitional assistance for that time.”
“I can’t imagine being that idle for so long in bed… I’m gonna go NAH, but both of you should show some compassion and empathy towards each other during this time when you’re both struggling so much.”
“These next couple of months will be terribly difficult, especially if neither is taking any parental leave… which brings up, who’ll watch the baby?”
“Daycares don’t normally take an infant under eight weeks old.”
“Congrats on the new baby!” ~ Eyydis
“Husband insists on having another child, then complains when it’s hard to look after a newborn and other child.”
“He knew what he was getting into.”
“He agreed to it.”
“As long as none of the children are in imminent danger, NTA.” ~ mdthomas
Well, OP, Reddit is with you.
Childbirth isn’t easy, but a little help may go a long way.
Your hubby did make a deal, though.
Hopefully, y’all can find some common ground.
Good luck, and congrats!