Addiction is a complicated issue for the addict and the people in their lives. Combining addiction with a toxic culture where partying to excess is required to be “one of the guys” rarely leads to a positive outcome.
That’s the situation one pregnant mom found herself trying to force her husband to avoid. After issuing an order to her spouse, she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Redditor macncheese2031 asked:
“AITA for banning my husband from going to ‘Silly Sunday’??”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My husband (28) has played footy his whole life, usually for different teams each year. For those who don’t know, a tradition for footy teams is to do a ‘Silly Sunday’ and ‘Mad Monday’ at the end of each season, which is basically just a bender/piss up.”
The OP added in a later edit:
“By footy I’m referring to rugby and unfortunately a massive part of the culture is drinking and it’s hard to socialise off the field or feel ‘part of the team’ without participating in these things. Playing is his only hobbie and his only social group, which is why I feel bad.”
“My husband went to a private school with a footy scholarship, moved countries away from his family at 17 because he got drafted to play semi-professionally and that was pretty much his life until I met him when he was still getting paid to play but had just stopped playing high level. He now just plays locally for fun and not every weekend depending on his work.”
The OP added:
“Now, my husband is a recovering drug addict (hasn’t touched it in 6 months) and alcohol has been a slippery slope for him too. Part of his recovery, and something that was agreed to for him to stay in our family home, is that he is sober.”
“There has been a handful of times (usually post footy game) that he has had a few beers and maybe twice he’s got drunk and not come home until around 2am. He has kept to himself and slept in the spare room but his mental health takes a toll for a few days following and he’s moody and basically awful to be around.”
“There’s also been a lot of traumatic situations in the past (think drug induced psychosis requiring ambulance) and times he would disappear for whole weekends and he seemed to really go off the rails around the time our son (20 months) was born and although we were never in danger and I was able to shelter our son from it, and things have been better this year, I take it very seriously.”
“So my husband has brought up that his teams silly Sunday is coming up in a few weeks and they are going on a boat for it. He reckons he can go and not drink or just have a couple of beers, which I feel is not what will happen if everyone else is partying hard.”
“People will be getting drunk and knowing the footy crowd, there will be people using drugs. Also, I am really pregnant and the weekend of the silly Sunday coincides pretty closely to my due date and the thought of my husband being drunk on a boat when I go into labour is not ideal.”
“So basically when he brought it up I flat out shut down the idea of him going.”
“We have now argued because I think he’s an a**hole (AH) for putting himself in that environment, especially when our baby is due and he thinks I’m an AH for saying no straight away when footy culture is important to him.”
“So AITA for banning him from going?”
The OP provided a bit more information about her situation to answer some recurring questions.
“For people asking why I had kids with him and calling me a bad parent, we didn’t plan our first son (I was told I would not be able to conceive naturally and despite still being on the pill for the condition causing this, we got our son who is the little love of my life and I wouldn’t change it for the world) and I also didn’t know at this time he even had a problem.”
“After having our first child, knowing I wanted two in total and based on concerns for future fertility, we are now having our second child. My husband treats our son amazing and stayed at home for the first 12 months with him.”
“Even now he’s working again, when he gets home he often takes over parenting duties and my son adores him. He is not a use every day addict, it’s ‘party drugs’ and there could be weeks or months between an incident.”
“He gets moody and has had psychosis previously that is based on past trauma and makes him protective of us, never aggressive to us. I believe this is still not okay and don’t want any substances around me or our kids, but there is a lot of time he is a wonderful person and our kids are not in danger.”
“He is an amazing father when he is with our son. He was his primary carer for the first 12 months as I worked, he is affectionate and fun and my son adores him.”
“He has never been a use daily addict, when he was using it’s always been weekend/party related and not every weekend. There may have been a month in between and at times I may not even know, so he doesn’t always behave badly and most people wouldn’t even know, he comes across as really sociable and put together.”
“I’m aware that this is still not okay as it means he’s just a functioning addict, but hopefully it paints more of a picture.”
“I also probably have been more understanding as I work in mental health and he has some conditions that I know have contributed to his addiction (FASD because his birth mother took drugs while pregnant—he was then adopted out—which affects his decision making / BPD which affects his identity and social connections which is why footy culture and belonging is so important to him and he people pleases the ‘footy boys’ / PTSD) and addiction in itself is a disease.”
Redditors were asked to weigh in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole in her situation.
“1) He’s putting himself in a situation where he knows he’s going to be tempted and his willpower doesn’t seem to be all that strong to begin with.”
“2) He’s putting fun with the boys ahead of being there for his wife at a time where she will need him.”
“3) He would rather be on a boat partying rather than be there when his child is born.”
“It’s not great to try banning him from going, but at the same time you are trying to do what’s best for him since you know his situation.”
“I think it’s pretty clear where his priorities lie, and they aren’t with the family. You are NTA.” ~ RoriBeedm
“Exactly. Drug/alcohol issues aside, I wouldn’t want my husband to be MIA when there’s a chance I could go into labor.” ~ emilyarran
“A boat is also the worst possible scenario to ‘test’ his willpower in as well. If they were going to a bar and he felt his willpower weakening he’d have the ability to just walk away and get a cab home.”
“On a boat he’s stuck there for the whole time with nowhere to escape the temptation. It’s not like he can ask them to pull over and let him off or steal a lifeboat.”
“6 months sober and thinking that he might just have ‘a few beers’ is not ready for a booze cruise. It also sounds like ‘footy culture’ is at the root of some of his worst addiction spirals as well.”
“NTA. She can’t physically restrain him from going, but if I were her and he went anyway I’d change the locks or install a chain lock while he’s gone and only let him in if he was home on schedule and demonstrably sober.” ~ cynicallycharged
“4) there is a f’king global pandemic going on right now and he wants to go get drunk on a boat with a lot of other people.” ~ avlas
“And then come back home to his pregnant wife and baby. 🤦♀️” ~ Anya_E
The OP commented they were in Australia where virus cases were minimal “except Victoria.”
“He should still get tested afterwards though. The cases are climbing in New South Wales again.” ~ Readingreddit12345
“You’re NTA, your husband is. He is not taking his sobriety seriously.”
“To even think he can hang out on a boat and only have a few drinks is a dream, and on top of that you say there will be drugs there.”
“You need to have a long talk with him and ask him what his priorities are, you and your two children, a stable family life, or his friends and booze/drugs. If he hesitates to answer you then he is not ready to be sober.”
“I know because I have not used drugs in 23 years and alcohol for 18. You have to be willing to make hard sacrifices if you want sobriety.” ~ gamkjd3
“OP’s husband should see choosing his wife and children as the easy choice, not a sacrifice.”
“He needs to reset his priorities if he’s thinks going out on a boat is an option when his wife is so close to delivering. Time to put on his big boy pants and put his family before his fun.”
“His marriage will suffer serious damage if he goes and comes back wasted, even if she does not go into labor during his absence.”~ PsychologyAutomatic3
“Even if he didn’t have alcohol problems, going away on a boat for a weekend when his baby is due is selfish and irresponsible. NTA OP but your husband sure is.” ~ PaddyCow
“Now, I’m not an addict, but I’ve been around them. Not an expert, but I’m pretty sure most programs recommend moving away from old drinking/drugging buddies.”
“Once, when I was at a friend’s AA birthday, the speaker said ‘They’ll get you drunk faster than you’ll get them sober’. Even if he didn’t have a family, he still needs to give up the friends for the sake of his sobriety.”
“OP’s husband needs to take that to heart and decide what’s most important to him.” ~ nitelite136
“15 years clean from meth here. And you’re correct. I cut off contact from everyone I ever talked to from that life.” ~ loopygerbiltush
The OP didn’t provide an update, but she at least has reassurance that she is not the a**hole in this scenario. Life is full of choices and her husband needs to think about his.