I'm named after two of my Grandmothers. My Gram Amelia was also named after her Grandmother, who was named after hers going back to the mid-1600s.
My Grandmothers were both still alive when I was given their names, so I had the chance to meet and know them. I was close to both and happily carry their names.
I don't know how my feelings might change if my namesake was deceased or if they'd been a child when they died. Would I feel like a replacement? Would I feel burdened by expectations?
A woman who thinks her sister's choice of memorial baby name is a mistake turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Some-Trust9889 asked:
"AITA for telling my sister that my other pregnant sister is planning to name her baby after her deceased son, causing her to cut her off?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I have two sisters, I'm the middle sister (age 28). My older sister (OS, age 30) lost her son late 2022, so it hasn't even been two years yet. He passed at 6 months due to SIDS."
"My OS has been mourning him ever since. My little sister (LS, age 26) is pregnant with her first child now and she found out it's a boy."
"When I was over at her house we were talking about her plans for the pregnancy and the baby and she told me she plans to name her son the name of my OS's deceased son and keep it a surprise."
"I can tell she thought it was an honor thing, but knowing my OS, she would be devastated if that happened. I told my LS I don't think it's a good idea and that our OS would not find it to be sweet and an honor—it would hurt her even more."
"We argued about it and she said that I'm being dramatic."
"Even though I know it was supposed to be a surprise, I knew my older sister would be even more depressed than she already is if our LS named her son after her deceased son so I went against my LS's wishes and told my OS."
"As I expected she was PISSED. She said it was incredibly disgusting and selfish to do that knowing how fresh it is for her and that she does not want to see a baby with her son's name in the family—which I agreed with."
"She was very grateful that I told her before he was born, because she said she doesn't know how badly that would have triggered her."
"She of course confronted my LS and they argued about it for a while, with everyone in our family siding with my OS."
"My LS called me in tears saying I'm the reason that my OS cut her off and isn't speaking to her because she's STILL going to name her son after our nephew. Even with my OS begging her not to, saying that she doesn't find it an honor and that it would hurt her to see another child named after her deceased one."
"I told my LS she's a horrible person for still going through with this knowing how much it hurts our OS."
"She says I'm an a**hole for telling her since it was supposed to be a surprise at birth and that 'seeing her nephew with her son's name would make her realize it's a good thing' and she's just trying to be a good person and I'm an a**hole for making them fight."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I told my older sister that my younger sister plans to name her son after older sister's deceased son, causing them to fight and disown each other."
"My younger sister is saying I'm an a**hole for telling her the secret since she wanted to reveal it at birth, but I knew I had to warn my older sister."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. My sister and her husband considered naming their son after her husband's late brother who died from SIDS."
"They checked with the in-laws and decided that even though it was 30 something years later, it would be too painful and a reminder of everything their late son never got to do."
"It doesn't matter how much time passes, you carry the grief forever. Your little sister knows this choice will hurt your older sister and she doesn't care. That lack of empathy and compassion would be my final straw." ~ TheLastLibrarian1
"I can understand naming a baby after their grandparents or an aunt/uncle. However, naming a baby after their late toddler nephew (who died from SIDS) is to sink a knife into a wound that is healing."
"LS is suffering the consequences of her actions, and her baby could be isolated if he's named that way. NTA." ~ Electronic-Drink559
"Someone I knew in high school shared the news of her loss of her son. I think it was a stillbirth."
"Yearly she would post a birthday or other things with his name. I literally can't hear the name and not think of her."
"I'm not even close with her. I can't imagine how a true loss feels and hearing the name. NTA." ~ Kayd3nBr3ak
"This is not one of those 'no one owns a name' situations. LS is planning to give her child this name when she already KNOWS it will hurt the OS."
"How awful; I hope she rethinks this idea and comes up with another name. OP is NTA for giving OS a heads' up." ~ Which_Tangerine8982
"NTA—you needed to tell older sister and younger sis needed to be stopped as she's betraying your sister and breaking her heart for no good reason, but to get attention."
"The whole family needs to get together and tell her they will ALL go no contact if she does this. That is hurting her sister worth losing everyone from her life."
"Hopefully if everyone together tells her this, then she will back down and not go through with it. If she does still do it, then I think you should walk away from her completely."
"She's obviously a selfish b*tch that's just wanting all the attention on her and her kid. She doesn't care the hurt it causes as long as she can play it up to being such a great thing to her friends and in-laws."
"She's shown you who she is and it's evil. There is no way she doesn't know what she's doing and older sister has made it clear to her as has everyone else."
"Nah, narcissists don't get to be in my life. Talk to your family about having this whole family intervention and if they all agree to threatening to cut her off if she does this."
"It might be the only thing that gets her to stop. Otherwise she is choosing to break your family completely apart." ~ Sweet-Interview5620
"A 'good person' does not, upon finding out that pushing a blade into somebody hurts, then continue twisting regardless of the cries. LS is a massive a**hole, NTA." ~ AdministrationThis77
"NTA. My young adult stepdaughter died suddenly. She was my husband's first born and he loved her fiercely."
"I had all I could do to keep him alive for the first few months, his grief was so deep. Two years later my stepson and daughter-in-law (DIL) announced they were pregnant, and shared two names they were thinking of using."
"No issue with either. But when my granddaughter was born they named her after my stepdaughter. It was a surprise to everyone, and we all struggled with it."
"My husband was never able to call his granddaughter by her name (he had a nickname for her that he used) and it hurt every time he heard that name, because it just reminded him of what he had lost."
"20 years later, every so often, he would just moan her name and have tears in his eyes. I can only imagine the grief of a parent losing an infant, never being able to call her son's name again."
"My stepson and DIL intended it to be an honor and hoped having the name associated with a baby (and a very cute and delightful child she was and still is) would ease everyone's grief. It did not." ~ Sk8rknitr
"NTA. Your little sister isn't dealing with the consequences of her own actions well and is blaming you. You didn't do anything wrong."
"You explained to her it was a bad idea, she's still going through with it. Your older sister is extremely upset by this and your family is upset by this and your little sister is still doing it."
"Also losing a child is traumatic and heartbreaking and it would've absolutely been so much worse if your older sister came and saw your nephew and your little sister said the name of her deceased child, then she found out you were aware of this and didn't say anything." ~ Snarky-Illusion
"NTA. My wife's sister had a stillborn son 5 years before our son was born. We gave our son the same middle name that baby was given."
"It's a common name, it's very common in my wife's family, and the baby was, and still is, referred to by neither his first or middle name but by the initials of both like 'AJ'."
"WE STILL ASKED."
"You never, ever, EVER give a baby a namesake name of someone deceased without asking the survivors. This is times 1 million when the lost loved one is a freaking baby, come on." ~ wheatgrass_feetgrass
As many pointed out, the OP's younger sister is dealing with the consequences of her own choices. Rather than take responsibility, she's blaming OP.
But Reddit was clear the OP did nothing wrong. Hopefully her younger sister will consider other people's feelings before her baby is born.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp