I’m named after two of my Grandmothers. My Gram Amelia was also named after her Grandmother, who was named after hers going back to the mid-1600s.
My Grandmothers were both still alive when I was given their names, so I had the chance to meet and know them. I was close to both and happily carry their names.
I don’t know how my feelings might change if my namesake was deceased or if they’d been a child when they died. Would I feel like a replacement? Would I feel burdened by expectations?
A woman who thinks her sister’s choice of memorial baby name is a mistake turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Some-Trust9889 asked:
“AITA for telling my sister that my other pregnant sister is planning to name her baby after her deceased son, causing her to cut her off?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I have two sisters, I’m the middle sister (age 28). My older sister (OS, age 30) lost her son late 2022, so it hasn’t even been two years yet. He passed at 6 months due to SIDS.”
“My OS has been mourning him ever since. My little sister (LS, age 26) is pregnant with her first child now and she found out it’s a boy.”
“When I was over at her house we were talking about her plans for the pregnancy and the baby and she told me she plans to name her son the name of my OS’s deceased son and keep it a surprise.”
“I can tell she thought it was an honor thing, but knowing my OS, she would be devastated if that happened. I told my LS I don’t think it’s a good idea and that our OS would not find it to be sweet and an honor—it would hurt her even more.”
“We argued about it and she said that I’m being dramatic.”
“Even though I know it was supposed to be a surprise, I knew my older sister would be even more depressed than she already is if our LS named her son after her deceased son so I went against my LS’s wishes and told my OS.”
“As I expected she was PISSED. She said it was incredibly disgusting and selfish to do that knowing how fresh it is for her and that she does not want to see a baby with her son’s name in the family—which I agreed with.”
“She was very grateful that I told her before he was born, because she said she doesn’t know how badly that would have triggered her.”
“She of course confronted my LS and they argued about it for a while, with everyone in our family siding with my OS.”
“My LS called me in tears saying I’m the reason that my OS cut her off and isn’t speaking to her because she’s STILL going to name her son after our nephew. Even with my OS begging her not to, saying that she doesn’t find it an honor and that it would hurt her to see another child named after her deceased one.”
“I told my LS she’s a horrible person for still going through with this knowing how much it hurts our OS.”
“She says I’m an a**hole for telling her since it was supposed to be a surprise at birth and that ‘seeing her nephew with her son’s name would make her realize it’s a good thing’ and she’s just trying to be a good person and I’m an a**hole for making them fight.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I told my older sister that my younger sister plans to name her son after older sister’s deceased son, causing them to fight and disown each other.”
“My younger sister is saying I’m an a**hole for telling her the secret since she wanted to reveal it at birth, but I knew I had to warn my older sister.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. My sister and her husband considered naming their son after her husband’s late brother who died from SIDS.”
“They checked with the in-laws and decided that even though it was 30 something years later, it would be too painful and a reminder of everything their late son never got to do.”
“It doesn’t matter how much time passes, you carry the grief forever. Your little sister knows this choice will hurt your older sister and she doesn’t care. That lack of empathy and compassion would be my final straw.” ~ TheLastLibrarian1
“I can understand naming a baby after their grandparents or an aunt/uncle. However, naming a baby after their late toddler nephew (who died from SIDS) is to sink a knife into a wound that is healing.”
“LS is suffering the consequences of her actions, and her baby could be isolated if he’s named that way. NTA.” ~ Electronic-Drink559
“Someone I knew in high school shared the news of her loss of her son. I think it was a stillbirth.”
“Yearly she would post a birthday or other things with his name. I literally can’t hear the name and not think of her.”
“I’m not even close with her. I can’t imagine how a true loss feels and hearing the name. NTA.” ~ Kayd3nBr3ak
“This is not one of those ‘no one owns a name’ situations. LS is planning to give her child this name when she already KNOWS it will hurt the OS.”
“How awful; I hope she rethinks this idea and comes up with another name. OP is NTA for giving OS a heads’ up.” ~ Which_Tangerine8982
“NTA—you needed to tell older sister and younger sis needed to be stopped as she’s betraying your sister and breaking her heart for no good reason, but to get attention.”
“The whole family needs to get together and tell her they will ALL go no contact if she does this. That is hurting her sister worth losing everyone from her life.”
“Hopefully if everyone together tells her this, then she will back down and not go through with it. If she does still do it, then I think you should walk away from her completely.”
“She’s obviously a selfish b*tch that’s just wanting all the attention on her and her kid. She doesn’t care the hurt it causes as long as she can play it up to being such a great thing to her friends and in-laws.”
“She’s shown you who she is and it’s evil. There is no way she doesn’t know what she’s doing and older sister has made it clear to her as has everyone else.”
“Nah, narcissists don’t get to be in my life. Talk to your family about having this whole family intervention and if they all agree to threatening to cut her off if she does this.”
“It might be the only thing that gets her to stop. Otherwise she is choosing to break your family completely apart.” ~ Sweet-Interview5620
“A ‘good person’ does not, upon finding out that pushing a blade into somebody hurts, then continue twisting regardless of the cries. LS is a massive a**hole, NTA.” ~ AdministrationThis77
“NTA. My young adult stepdaughter died suddenly. She was my husband’s first born and he loved her fiercely.”
“I had all I could do to keep him alive for the first few months, his grief was so deep. Two years later my stepson and daughter-in-law (DIL) announced they were pregnant, and shared two names they were thinking of using.”
“No issue with either. But when my granddaughter was born they named her after my stepdaughter. It was a surprise to everyone, and we all struggled with it.”
“My husband was never able to call his granddaughter by her name (he had a nickname for her that he used) and it hurt every time he heard that name, because it just reminded him of what he had lost.”
“20 years later, every so often, he would just moan her name and have tears in his eyes. I can only imagine the grief of a parent losing an infant, never being able to call her son’s name again.”
“My stepson and DIL intended it to be an honor and hoped having the name associated with a baby (and a very cute and delightful child she was and still is) would ease everyone’s grief. It did not.” ~ Sk8rknitr
“NTA. Your little sister isn’t dealing with the consequences of her own actions well and is blaming you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You explained to her it was a bad idea, she’s still going through with it. Your older sister is extremely upset by this and your family is upset by this and your little sister is still doing it.”
“Also losing a child is traumatic and heartbreaking and it would’ve absolutely been so much worse if your older sister came and saw your nephew and your little sister said the name of her deceased child, then she found out you were aware of this and didn’t say anything.” ~ Snarky-Illusion
“NTA. My wife’s sister had a stillborn son 5 years before our son was born. We gave our son the same middle name that baby was given.”
“It’s a common name, it’s very common in my wife’s family, and the baby was, and still is, referred to by neither his first or middle name but by the initials of both like ‘AJ’.”
“WE STILL ASKED.”
“You never, ever, EVER give a baby a namesake name of someone deceased without asking the survivors. This is times 1 million when the lost loved one is a freaking baby, come on.” ~ wheatgrass_feetgrass
As many pointed out, the OP’s younger sister is dealing with the consequences of her own choices. Rather than take responsibility, she’s blaming OP.
But Reddit was clear the OP did nothing wrong. Hopefully her younger sister will consider other people’s feelings before her baby is born.