Pregnancy introduces a slew of lifestyle changes and new considerations for the expecting couple.
But what if not everyone is down to adapt in the same ways?
That was the situation outlined in a recent post on the “Am I the A**hole (AITA)” subReddit.
The Original Poster (OP), known as Altadvice223 on the site, led with a provocative title:
“AITA for yelling at my pregnant wife?”
OP began with some caveats.
“I know, I know… it sounds bad but hear me out. Btw on mobile, English in my native I’m just bad.”
“So here’s the story, we found out a few days ago my wife is 7 weeks pregnant. It’s been a little less than excitement though, as we’ve also been really struggling as partners for some time.”
Then OP shared some recent struggles.
“I’ve tried to get us in couples therapy but she never has time or some other excuse as to why we can’t book a meeting (though she’s admitted she’s never gone out of her way to make me feel special, and that’s the primary problem with ‘us,’ a lack of effort from her).”
“This news has definitely added some stress to the situation, which has accelerated a lot of conversations that we’ve needed to happen adding more stress.”
All that tension contributed to a recent situation.
“Now to the issue.”
“Yesterday I come home from work to find her smoking weed in the bathroom.
“I didn’t yell at her, but told her that was absolutely off limits until the baby is outside of her body.”
“She said she only did it because she’s stressed out and needed to relax, which fine it’s stressful but moving forward I told her we needed to find another outlet because risking our child’s health is unacceptable.”
But then came another incident.
“Now to today, where I might be an a**hole.”
“I come home from work again, and not only was she smoking weed today, she was using tobacco. She had been all day, I know because she opened one of my new cans of chew and a good portion of it was gone.”
OP admitted his response was rash.
“I saw red immediately and started yelling at her, first for trying to hide it from me and second for knowingly using substances linked to birth issues. I told her this selfishness was exactly why we were on the edge of a divorce as it stood.”
“Since then she’s just been sitting in our three year olds room crying. I know yelling isn’t the right answer, but to me that is a zero tolerance situation and since I clearly didn’t get through to her yesterday it just came out.”
“As much as I hate the situation I’m in, Her crying is making me feel like I’m in the wrong.”
“Was I TA here?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
A clear majority of Redditors sided with OP, saying he was not the a**hole. For them, the situation was cut and dry.
“NTA She’s endangering her unborn child’s future health.” — DooDooDelux
“NTA Can’t really blame you for yelling after she repeatedly has chosen to endanger the baby. You’re right that she is being selfish. You already tried discussing it calmly.”
“Getting upset and yelling when a life is being risked isn’t being an AH, it’s a normal human reaction.” — Kare6Bear6
“NTA. Normally I would say yelling is never helpful and you were out of line, but what she was doing is really messed up. You spoke to her calmly the first time you caught her smoking and it obviously didn’t get through to her.”
“Maybe your stronger reaction this time might have been enough of a wake up call to get her to realize how serious this is. I hope you apologized for yelling, though.” — Kooky-Lawfulness3486
Others shared longer term concerns as well.
“Nta…if you are that close to separating, start keeping a journal (pictures would be good if possible as well) of everything she is doing which endangers the fetus, and the 3 year old as well.” — RCalkins11
“I hate to say it, this sounds like a way for her to naturally abort the baby and hurt you enough to leave whether she realizes it consciously or not.”
She’s purposely telling you (after you suggested abortion) it’s her body her choice only (which is true) and then doing the very things that would cause a fetus to abort knowing it’s likely hurting you. She’s doing the exact opposite and worse of everything you say.”
“She’s trying to separate from you without having to have that conversation. She wants you to leave so she can be the victim and say she tried.” — Auntimeme
A few did call OP for not doing all he could to support her.
“ESH. I am kind of disturbed to learn at the end that you already have a three-year old (is the child hearing these arguments and in their room while your wife cries nonstop in it?).”
“Generally speaking a mom of a young kid isn’t going to have making you feel special as a priority for years (and it really doesn’t feel like there’s time for anything but what’s needed to keep the basics going).”
“The substance use and lying is bad but you could support her by keeping your chew out of the house (e.g., lock it in your car) and communicating without yelling” — thesaura73
“ESH – hey OP, you’re gonna have to quit the chew if you expect her to. You’re absolutely right she shouldn’t be doing these things but neither should you as you are already a parent to one and will soon have one more.”
“She’s not the only one slipping here. Poor form, dude.” — kairi79
“ESH. you’re absolutely right to be upset that she’s repeatedly putting the health of an unborn child at risk for no good reason. it’s her body, but it’s your baby too and you have a right to say something. buuuuuut……”
” ‘I know because she opened one of my new cans of chew and a good portion of it was gone.’ “
“marriage is a team sport my friend. it’s not a good look when you expect her to deal with the stress of pregnancy without her chemical crutch, but at the same time you can’t put it aside for 9 months yourself.”
“you both had a hand in this pregnancy happening, and you should hold yourself to the standards you wish her to follow, if for no other reason than it’s the right thing to do.” — randomsillyness007
We hope the online feedback was enough to help OP and his partner keep their baby as healthy as possible in the future.