Being pregnant is a tremendous journey with a lot of challenges thrown in, including curbing some behaviors while carrying the baby.
There can be serious consequences if the mother doesn’t, stressed the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor drfrenchrat was shocked and furious when he discovered that his future wife was not only smoking but drinking while carrying their baby.
When she didn’t see what the big deal was, the Original Poster (OP) had to make a change.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for getting upset after finding my pregnant fiancée smoking?”
The OP made a discovery about his fiancée.
“My (26 Male) fiancée (28 Female) is 5 months pregnant.”
“We were watching a movie last night when I got up to use the bathroom. I was gone a little bit, as I’ve been dealing with a nasty stomach bug from food poisoning.”
“When I came back from the bathroom, she wasn’t on the couch.”
“Confused, I went looking for her, and found her outside on the porch, smoking a cigarette. I was FURIOUS.”
The mother-to-be didn’t appreciate the OP’s reaction.
“Keep in mind, our unborn child is a planned pregnancy. We’ve been trying for over a year, and we were overjoyed when we learned that we were expecting. I’m so excited to be a father.”
“In the heat of the moment, I might’ve been a bit harsh, but I was so shocked!”
“I didn’t even know she smoked.”
“After I found her and expressed how I was frustrated and confused, she screamed at me that it was just a singular cigarette.”
“She also confessed that she’s been having a few shots a week with her girlfriends, and the doctors haven’t said a word.”
The OP was shocked.
“She made me sleep on the couch last night, and she hasn’t said a word to me since. I just got home from work, and she’s said nothing.”
“Am I the a**hole for getting frustrated with her about this?”
“She says it’s not a big deal, but I feel like it is.”
“I tried talking to her sister, who’s had a few kids already, but she doesn’t think it’s a big deal, either.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were concerned about what the mother was not telling her OBGYN.
“NTA; but I think the concealment here is the worst of everything and that is absolutely what needs to be addressed first.”
“In the meantime, OP should take a deep breath and reassure himself that the baby is likely absolutely fine. Moderate drinking and smoking during pregnancy were pretty common not too long ago, without an epidemic of birth defects and FASD.”
“This isn’t me advocating for smoking and drinking during pregnancy, let’s be clear – but OP should worry first about his relationship, I think.” – ArticQuimmiq
“NTA. This is incredibly disturbing, especially the ‘few shots a week’.”
“For reference, when I became a foster parent I learned a ton about prenatal drug exposure. Turns out, alcohol and nicotine are the two most dangerous substances, particularly alcohol.”
“Other drugs like heroin and meth can cause issues that are largely resolvable with dedicated care, whereas nicotine causes birth defects and alcohol causes irreversible permanent brain damage.”
“I don’t know what she means by ‘the doctors haven’t said a word’ but she has almost certainly not disclosed the drinking— she probably means the pregnancy looks healthy so far.”
“But you can’t diagnose fetal alcohol syndrome pre-birth. However, it may be apparent after giving birth and may result in immediate and serious CPS involvement.”
“I think your fiancee has been lying to you about a lot for a long time and you have some serious evaluating to do.” – Temporary_Badger
“I’m finding it hard to believe it’s just a single cigarette she’s been smoking. Who suddenly decides to smoke a butt while pregnant? For stress relief? Doesn’t make any sense.”
“I suspect she’s been smoking in secret – maybe with her drinking buddies.” – kateradar
Others stressed the importance of quitting these habits.
“I smoked for ten years and quit the day I found out I was pregnant. There’s a laundry list of complications that can be caused from smoking while pregnant.” – AdIntelligent8613
“Doctors can’t give you a recommendation of what is a ‘safe’ amount of alcohol to drink, so they have to say it’s zero.”
“The likelihood that one drink would cause FASD is almost zero, and we shouldn’t fearmonger for pregnant women, many women don’t know they’re pregnant and stop drinking when they do, it’s very common.”
“I can’t get over her doing shots though. A glass of champagne. A cold shandy. A glass of wine with a fancy dinner.”
“I totally get wanting a moment of normalcy and feeling included when pregnant. I really do understand that. Pregnancy can be a long hard drag.”
“But doing shots when pregnant seems so much more ‘wrong’ somehow. Shots are really only for one thing; getting drunk. They’re not that enjoyable.”
“Starting smoking on the other hand is really really really bad behavior, and again, it just seems really strange, and somehow worse than someone who stopped smoking sneaking one, I just don’t understand who STARTS smoking when they’re pregnant?”
“It leaves me to wonder: Does she want this baby?” – Dark_fascination
“Even one drink can cause FASD and cigarettes increase the chances of cot death.”
“Maybe you didn’t respond the right way, but jeez… if you’re not a big smoker anyway – you definitely don’t do it when pregnant. Nor do you drink. Ever. At all.”
“Yes, it is unlikely one drink will cause severe FASD, but for those of you who think it’s fine to have one or two drinks a week during pregnancy. Spent some time with kids in the care system, whose brains are fundamentally altered due to drink. Who struggle to regulate emotions.”
“Look at the children with learning difficulties, because their mums didn’t know they were pregnant.”
“When you’ve spent some time with children affected by alcohol, then you tell me you’d have one drink.” – Myorangecrush77
After receiving feedback, the OP decided to make a change in his life.
“I just had a long discussion with her. She confessed to dealing with intense depression and anxiety, and agreed to go to therapy both alone and with me to help.”
“Our next OB appointment is on Wednesday and I’ll keep everybody posted.”
“Thank you so much for all of your help, I really appreciate it; my fiancée won’t be fighting this battle alone!!”
The OP then made a more drastic decision.
“I’ve decided to try and get full custody of my child.”
“I’m also going to call off the engagement.”
“I don’t trust her to be a full-time mother. I’ll help and make sure she’s getting proper help so she can still be in our child’s life.”
Though some of the subReddit thought there may have been something more to the situation, like cravings or mental health concerns, they could otherwise understand why the OP was upset. It’s important to take care while carrying a child, especially where alcohol and other stimulants are concerned.