For some, being honest in a relationship can be challenging.
Why? Who knows?
That is a personal question.
So instead of being upfront about issues, some partners manipulate the situation and lie or omit certain truths.
They do this in an attempt to prove a point.
These actions are not always well-received.
Redditor Specialist_Lack_1484 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for being upset after lying to me about his gift?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (29 F[emale]) honestly can't tell if I'm going overboard."
"My boyfriend (28 M[ale]) told me he got me a replacement for my Chanel Coco Mademoiselle because it had run out, which I thought was so sweet."
"Then about a month later, I noticed the sprayer on the bottle started getting wobbly, and I asked him to take it back to the store and exchange it, and he said he couldn't."
"Then it came out that he hadn't ACTUALLY got me a new bottle of Chanel, he'd just taken my old bottle and filled it up with a dupe from Aerre."
"Anyway, I was PISSED OFF because I'd been using it for a month and I wear it almost every day, and I don't want to wear a dupe."
"And then he was like, yeah, but I saved us money, and you didn't notice."
"He says he was thinking about our finances and trying to prove a point, but I think I have the right to wear what I want."
"And it pisses me off that if I hadn't found that the cap was broken, he probably would never have told me."
"I should add that this is an ongoing problem in our relationship where I feel pressure to control my spending, even though we're not tight for money."
"He's never tricked me like this before, and we're otherwise happy, so I don't feel like he's being abusive or anything; we're actually very happy."
"I just think that as long as we can afford it, I should be able to wear what I want."
"I hope that gives some context."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole for getting mad, or am I just overreacting?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I think the emphasis being put on how you didn't notice is irrelevant."
"He still lied."
"Is the lie objectively worse if you'd had some skin reaction?"
"Scents can seem similar if they're not compared side-by-side (with coffee grounds or charcoal in between to reset the olfactory sense)."
"The fact that he can't respect your brand choice, 'I obviously made a better choice,' is communicating (even subconsciously) that he thinks you're incapable and he needs to do it for you."
"Maybe it's just perfume now, but what about in 5 years?"
"Will he override your wishes in favor of his mother?"
"Will he stand up for your birth wishes if you're having a child together someday?"
"I wouldn't call this a 100% deal-breaker, alone, but as a pattern is a major red flag."
"If he cannot unpack this patriarchal BS, you need to find a partner who actually values you." ~ nurse_hat_on
"NTA, he lied, full stop."
"You shouldn't lie to a partner, especially when it comes to a gift."
"He could have presented an option of you trying out a dupe to see if you'd like to make the switch or keep it in your back pocket for a future switch in the event finances become an issue."
"Bottom line is he lied, and he shouldn't have." ~ MooreisMoore
"NTA. He purposely deceived you to try and prove a point, and he framed it as a 'gift.'"
"I've thought about something similar with my wife (gf at the time), but never went through with it because it seems like a trust violation."
"If he can't express his concerns or back up his values without tricking you, then his argument isn't that strong to begin with." ~ RealNaranja
"Eh, NTA."
"I think people's opinions of makeup/perfume are clouding their judgment here."
"If you'd gotten him a new G[raphics] P[rocessing] U[nitas] a 'present' to upgrade his P[ersonal] C[omputer], but it came to light later on down the road that you'd bought an off-brand knockoff, changed the packaging, let him install it, then used it as some kind of 'gotcha' in an argument ('you didn't even notice! Your games ran fine!') when you were caught, these same commenters would be singing a very different tune."
"It would suddenly matter that you lied."
"It would suddenly matter that you pulled this switch, knowing there might be consequences (faulty part-related problems with his PC; your dupe perfume very well could have caused a skin reaction on you)."
"It would suddenly matter that you took it upon yourself to dictate what kind of luxury possessions he was allowed to have."
"All of that would suddenly matter... once the conversation topic concerned something that these commenters personally care about." ~ Prestigious_Diet_850
"NTA. Just because you didn't notice the difference doesn't make it okay."
"He could've also just gotten you literally any other affordable gift without having to lie."
"If he has to trick you in order to buy you something, he is 100% an a**hole."
"Also, he knew how much you liked this specific perfume, and then went out of his way NOT to get it for you?"
"That's so lame and erases all thoughtfulness the gift idea initially had."
"You both probably need to have a talk about finances if everything else in your relationship is fine, because it sounds like he is escalating in terms of controlling your expenses, and this could probably get worse over time if not addressed." ~ Rainbow_riding_hood
"NTA. I am a frugal person in general, but I like Armani's Acqua di Gioia perfume."
"I can find similar perfumes that have similar notes, but I like that one, and I'll splurge on it."
"The frivolization of women's interests is both sexist and inane."
"Who cares if you spend $200 on 3.4oz of happiness that will last a year?"
"The fact that he set out to teach you a lesson instead of having a conversation would be a deal breaker for me."
"You didn't ask him to go out and replace your perfume; he offered and purposefully did it wrong."
"You aren't a child in need of parenting, and if he has a problem with your spending, he can use his big boy words." ~ Mammoth_Ad_5423
"NTA. Lying is not only a lack of trust but also showing poor taste because it's a gift."
"Also, if he didn't want to get you the original perfume, he didn't have to."
"He decided to voluntarily lie and try to pass it off as a full-price present."
"It is also a red flag to me that he said he was 'trying to prove a point.'"
"As that comes off as very immature and controlling to try to prove a point through lying and tricks to support his own opinion about finances with dishonest behavior."
"I think the actual deal with the perfumes and distinguishing them is negligible."
"It could have been done another way if he wanted a genuine test without manipulation."
"I think passing it off as a present and lying is bad behavior." ~ ConfectionLogical575
"Ah, this sub's favorite enemy: a woman with a preference for something, especially something even mildly expensive."
"Don't let the comments here fool you: you ARE allowed to buy things you want so long as you can afford them."
"It doesn't matter if others don't see the point or wouldn't buy the thing for themselves."
"What you're NOT allowed to do is lie to your partner because you think you know better than they do, which is exactly what your partner did. NTA." ~ One-Bat-7038
"NTA, it doesn't matter if you didn't notice or not."
"He lied to you and tricked you."
"I mean, what else has he lied to you about/tricked you that you haven't noticed yet?"
"You are allowed to like what you like and wear what you want."
"I would be very upset about it as well." ~ LifeMachine6373
"NTA. Deceiving someone regardless of reason is still deceit."
"You need to discuss your finances together because clearly you aren't on the same page regarding spending."
"Even if everything else is great, finances are a huge part of a relationship." ~ Wiscodoggo5494
A few Redditors had a different thought...
"ESH. You say it's an ongoing issue in your relationship that he's 'always thinking about the finances' and you feel like you're 'not tight for money' and 'you can afford it,' but have you both actually sat down and discussed your budget together?"
"Your financial goals (own a house, save for a car/holiday/wedding/whatever)."
"Your savings?"
"Your income vs expenditure?"
"If you don't have an open and honest conversation about your goals and expectations, crunch the numbers, and get on the same page, it will continue to be a problem."
"His tricking you and/or you dismissing his concerns about your financial situation isn't going to fix anything."
"Use your words." ~ Final-Call
"ESH. I need more background information from you to prove you're not the a**hole."
"Specifically financially."
"Also, I'm sorry you wear the scent every day, and you couldn't tell the difference; that means there is no difference except the price tag."
"That said, he is an a**hole for the way this has gone down, obviously." ~ McLargepants
"ESH. Seems to me that you would have never known the difference if the bottle hadn't played up."
"And he should never have said he was getting you exactly that."
"He wants to be wise with his money."
"And you want to go spending up."
"I'd say your relationship needs a thorough going over as you two seem to be in different minds about where you're both headed." ~ RidgyFan78
Most of Reddit is with you, OP.
Your boyfriend certainly doesn't come off smelling like roses here.
He could have just sat you down and told you how seriously he feels about that purchase.
This isn't an end-of-the-world situation.
But there is a lot to discuss and unpack here.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp