Like nearly everything, someone’s tone can be easily misinterpreted or misunderstood.
Sometimes, if the words we say might suggest we are paying a compliment, the tone we say those words in might lead people to think otherwise.
Conversely, a lack of tone could also cause confusion regarding something put in writing.
Of course, sometimes no matter what someone’s tone was trying to accomplish, the person they were speaking to might have a preconceived notion of what they “really” meant.
Which, in all likelihood, was not what they “really meant” at all.
A recent Redditor was preparing for a major visit to her home in the kitchen, alongside her boyfriend’s father.
When it came time to clean up, the original poster (OP) thought that she had offered her boyfriend’s father a helpful piece of advice.
Her boyfriend’s father, on the other hand, thought quite the opposite, resulting in him putting the OP in her place.
Shocked and confused by his reaction, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for simply asking my boyfriend’s dad to put a plate in the cabinet?”
The OP explained how she found herself at odds with her boyfriend’s father while cleaning up the kitchen:
“Short story short, I was making a cream pie with fruits on top, strawberries kiwis mango etc.”
“I was in the kitchen finishing it off and my boyfriend’s dad (I’ll call him S) was finishing off a dish he was making.”
“My boyfriend’s grandpa was coming over at 6pm so S was making things for him in advance and I was making the pie.”
“So the clock hits 6pm and his grandpa is supposed to come at any minute, so S rushes and cleans the counters and asks me to ‘hurry’, so I grab some things to put away but said I was slow and not fast enough.”
“I put the pie in the freezer and get two other things to put away in a second fridge.”
“A plate, which was the only thing on the counter and something I was no longer using, was in his way of cleaning.”
“As I carried two other things to put in the garage fridge, I said to S, ‘You can put that plate away if you want, it’s clean’ in a normal, non-b*tchy or bossy tone.”
“I come back inside to clean away the berries, and S says behind me, ‘[My name], don’t ever tell me to put things away like that again’ in a serious tone, which I never heard from him before.”
“I’m ashamed of it but I’m a pretty sensitive person, if I’m only nice and respectful to a person and suddenly they snap at me like this it’s hard for me to act the same way again.”
“I don’t know if anyone else here is like this, but it happens to me a lot.”
“Once this happens, I feel the urge to get lost and not be seen again for the rest of the day (I grew up in a severely abusive home).”
“After he said that to me, I left.”
“I told my boyfriend this, and he sides with his dad, of course, and says what I did was very disrespectful.”
“I personally do not see this and I want to know if I was an a**hole here.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for asking S to put a plate away.
The Reddit community was equally shocked by S’s reaction to the OP. Many even urged the OP to consider whether or not staying in this relationship seriously was a good idea, as S’s behavior could be indicative of her boyfriend’s:
“‘When people show you who they are, believe them the first time’.”
“Stefan just showed you who he is – an imperious crank who thinks it’s just fine to snap at you in your own home.”
“Unfortunately, your BF seems to think that Stefan’s behavior was just dandy and that this is all YOUR fault.”
“Which it isn’t, and you are NTA.”
“Watch your BF’s behavior very, very carefully from now on to see if this was just a fluke or if he really IS practicing to turn into a younger version of Stefan (who puts them there womenfolk in their place, by golly, whenever one of ’em gets so uppity as to ask him to, y’know, put away a dish!)”
“If he really IS turning into a mini-Stefan, ask yourself if you want to live like this for the rest of your life.”- Royal-House-5478
“Given how Stefan was reacting to his father’s imminent arrival, I get the sense that your boyfriend comes from a long line of men who are very exacting in their expectations of others.”
“I think Stefan may have been under stress when he reacted like that, but it wasn’t an impulsive response.”
“And your boyfriend definitely showed you who he is, especially if he used the language in your mod explanation that you ‘told a man what to do’.”
“I don’t think this will be a healthy relationship for you.”
“NTA.”- FreeFortuna
“NTA.”
“You got told off for being disrespectful for.. clarifying that a plate was clean and could be safely put away when everyone was busily tidying up?”
“I would tend to believe that Stefan is stressed out, rushing to get everything ship-shape before his dad shows up, and misinterpreted your words as some kind of order.”
“He likely felt you weren’t hustling fast enough, and that put you in a bad place in his mind, so he was already primed to read your words in the worst light.”
“None of this excuses him for treating you like a disrespectful child when you are actively helping out.”
“I mean you baked a damn pie for him!”
“I appreciate that you’re not a confrontational person. You’ve had a life that has trained you to avoid that, but the appropriate thing to do was stand up for yourself or clarify that it wasn’t an order.”
“Frankly I would ask myself whether I wanted to remain in a relationship that puts me in contact with Stefan anymore.”
“He’s apparently unpredictable when he’s stressed, and that’s not something you need in your life.”
“I would also seriously question your relationship with BF, because he ought to have your back and has opted to side with his dad regardless of the sense of it.”
“If you haven’t got your partner’s back, you aren’t partners, just people who live together and go through the motions.”
“Talk to your Boyfriend about it again, tell him what you told us, and if he isn’t changing his tune, ditch him.”
“You can do better than a partner who doesn’t support you and a father-in-law who hears the worst interpretations of innocent comments.”
“Find someone who consistently treats you with respect and love because you deserve that much.”-
Ruadhan2300
“NTA.”
“Maybe the fact that you grew up in an abusive home is blinding you to this, but your boyfriend and his dad are both so far out in the wrong that it’s odd you’re even questioning yourself.”
“Question your relationship instead.”
“This is not the family you want to marry into if just asking nicely to put away a plate has your FiL snapping at you and the worse part is that your boyfriend would even suggest you’re in the wrong for ‘telling a man what to do’.”
“Exit that relationship safely ASAP, and maybe consider learning about healthy relationships before you get in a new one.”
“Growing up in an abusive home makes it more likely to miss the red flags until it’s too late.”- Viio_o
“NTA.”
“His dad is though.”
“I wouldn’t offer to do anything for them again.”
“Yes, I’m the same way too.”
“I could be biased, but I think that’s a normal reaction for a sensitive person.”
“Honestly, I’d never forget it, and I’d never feel the same about him.”
“I’d judge the BF over him siding with his father.”
“I even get that way if other people get treated that way.”
“I will never again respect the person being the jerk.”
“Normal or not, it’s who you are.”
“Don’t apologize to him.”
“You did nothing wrong.”- Crafting_with_Kyky
“NTA.”
“This was a weird situation starting from where you were told to hurry because the grandfather was about to arrive.”
“It’s fine if someone arrives and meal prep/clean up is still happening.”
“This family’s environment does not sound like a good place for you to be.”- madra_crainn
It’s hard to imagine just what it was about the OP giving “S” the option of putting away a clean plate that turned him off as much as it did.
While we can’t be too sure, such behavior often stems from insecure men who don’t like women telling them what to do.
If this is the case, one can’t help but think the Reddit community might be right in urging the OP to seriously consider if staying in this relationship is a good idea.
As the apple seldom falls very far from the tree…