As much as we might need a job to pay our bills, eat, and afford other basic necessities, most of us have limits as to what we'd be willing to do in the workplace.
For most of us, doing something against an elderly patient's will would be a major red flag, side-eyed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Storm0963 was training for a residential role at a local nursing home when he was pressured by his trainer to bathe an elderly female patient, despite it expressly being against her wishes.
When the nurse became furious that he wouldn't pressure the woman into letting him bathe her, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure he was comfortable continuing to work in a place like that.
He asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting if I quit after my trainer tried to force me to bathe an elderly resident against her wishes?"
The OP was training as a resident assistant at a nursing home.
"I'm a male and just started my job as a resident assistant in a nursing home."
"Today, while training, my trainer (a resident nurse) told me to help a resident bathe. This would have included me washing her hair and back. Because I'm not a healthcare provider, I can't touch the resident anywhere else."
"The resident, a woman with early-stage dementia, requested that a female assistant bathe her and expressed discomfort with my presence."
"I had no problem with this and tried to leave to give the woman space."
The OP was shocked when his trainer tried to coerce him and the elderly patient to comply.
"The nurse tried to verbally coerce and convince me to bathe the resident despite her requests."
"The nurse walked away in a huff, and I told the resident that she had a legal right to deny my help."
"When the nurse stormed back in and demanded the resident comply, she said she was still uncomfortable, and I brought up that she's legally allowed to deny my help."
"The nurse got p**sed and relented."
The OP was no longer comfortable working there.
"I'm sick to my stomach. This is elder abuse, is it not? I can't work in a place like this."
"It's my second day, and I want to quit."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some urged the OP to report the nurse who had pressured him and the elderly patient.
"Please report that nurse. Absolute accountability is necessary to keep care a dignified and safe place. So yeah, everything gets logged, everything gets reported that needs it, and everyone must tell the truth. NOR." - SnooTangerine3448
"You were right to stand up for the patient. In fact, because nobody else was, it’s a good thing you’re working there."
"I wouldn’t quit over this, or at least not yet. Stick it out, learn what’s offered, and keep advocating for your patients."
"Keep looking and applying for other roles, but don’t jump ship until you have one. And document anything egregious you see." - Hot-Butterscotch-377
"NOR. My mom with dementia injured herself by trying to keep her nightgown on her when a male attendant tried to take it off. She then had to see a doctor for the injury."
"Dementia patients do not understand that a man is just a worker attending to them. They feel severe fear that some strange man is trying to disrobe them and touch them in their own 'home.' They are terrified."
"You did the right thing. You protected the patient. I would mention to the relatives what happened." - Traditional_Fan_2655
"NOR. My dad just passed away from early onset dementia. I appreciate you respecting her valid boundary."
"The nurse obviously does not know you very well as you were training. Your reaction makes me assume you’re a trustworthy person, but not everyone is, and this could have gone very badly!" - _clur_510
"NOR. You need to report this place; definitely mention the nurse by name. As someone who has had both grandparents and a mother in facilities, I know how important it is to be able to trust that your loved one is completely cared for and made to feel comfortable."
"She didn't feel comfortable being bathed by a man, and them trying to force you to do it anyway is violating her rights and stripping her of her basic dignity, not to mention ignoring your boundaries, as well."
"Good for you for standing your ground. More people need to stand against this kind of mistreatment of elderly (or any) patients." - dental_oddity
"NOR. I’d quit and report them. You did the right thing by respecting her wishes and affirming to her that she was well within her rights to refuse help from someone of the opposite sex." - Shoddy-Wishbone
"You did the right thing. My grandma had dementia, and there were days she'd panic if a man she didn't recognize came near her during care. Residents have every right to refuse, full stop, and a nurse trying to override that in front of the resident is exactly the kind of thing that gets and let it slide."
"Document what happened and report it to the DON or your state's ombudsman. If they back her over you, then you know it's the whole place, and you walk." - fawndreamxz
"Report it, and depending on how they react would be a tell of the work environment and therefore if you should stay or quit." - thatsjustitthough
"I don't think you're overreacting. I also don't think you should be the one to quit, though. You sound like a great person for the job."
"The nurse, however, doesn't seem really great at hers." - No_Muffin3405
"NOR. I’m a nurse in a nursing home, and the most generous explanation I can come up with is that they thought you were an already-certified CNA who was just being oriented to the facility."
"Look, I’m not going to pretend there aren’t plenty of nurses who are bullies, including to residents. They have a certain way they want their little domain to work, and they get huffy if it’s not that way."
"But most of us don't give a f**k unless there’s something specific going on, especially for something as everyday as a resident refusing a shower or requesting another aide."
"If it was on my team, I’d say something like, 'Oh, sure, just find (female aide on the floor), and switch a bath with them. No big deal.' The aides I work with do that all the time."
"It’s a weird reaction from the nurse and deserves further talking to a unit manager or director." - Sehmket
Redditor TheBurgTheWord told the OP that elderly care facilities needed more people like him and urged him to stay, and others were quick to agree.
"Hi, first off, NOR."
"I used to be a memory support director. You must report that nurse, and please, please rethink your decision to leave."
"Nursing homes need MORE people like you; not fewer. We are always desperate for people who care, who fight for the rights of the residents, and who truly want to be there."
"Go to the director of nursing now. Make sure you are clear that you weren't trying to shirk your duties; you were trying to protect a resident's rights."
"And if they give you a hard time, call the ombudsman in your area to report this."
"I'm so sorry this happened to both you and the resident, but I'm so happy that you stood firm and helped her." - TheBurgTheWord
"I appreciate you so much for sticking up for these residents!"
"I used to work in death care and the things I would see at some of the nursing homes and similar facilities... They need more people like you that care! Please stick with it!" - iWasTheCupCat
"NOR. You're a pearl! It's hard to find enough caring people to do this work right."
"Please follow up and call the ombudsman or Board of Nursing, or both. Trying to force a resident to do something they don't want, especially after they say no repeatedly, is very wrong. Her attitude sucks, too."
"Please stay. The residents need someone to advocate for their rights, someone who cares. I've worked with both caring people and those just out for a paycheck. The difference in residents with a caring Assistant and those with the others is stark. Please stay." - CatLadyHM
"It takes a special person to do this kind of work. I’ve had to be in a rehab facility that also has patients in care residents."
"You can tell what people are there to help and care for them and the ones that are there for a paycheck. I’ve had both! The ones there for a paycheck suck real bad at their job." - OkieLady-1952
"This is so true; finding someone who actually gives a s**t about resident rights is so rare these days. I definitely hope OP takes this advice and calls the ombudsman if management tries to cover it up." - Spiritual_Dee
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"I made the report to my supervisor. Another similar circumstance happened later with the same nurse and another resident, and I reported that, as well."
"I will consider escalating the situation to the ombudsman per Redditor TheBurgTheWord 's recommendation."
"Thank you, everyone, for your input. Hindsight is 20/20, and I appreciate you for helping me get there."
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset about what happened, and they were grateful that he spoke up and eventually reported the incident. However, they hoped he wouldn't go so far as to quit, since nursing homes need more people who care like he obviously does.
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