What is the statute of limitations when it comes to holding grudges about a spouse’s indiscretion prior to getting married?
That is something plaguing Redditor sherlockholmes498, who inadvertently stumbled upon her husband’s computer activity before they tied the knot three years ago.
After a dramatic confrontation led to the couple sleeping separately during a family vacation, the Redditor visited the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit and asked:
“AITA for how I reacted after I found out my husband ran a secret background check on me before we got married?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“We’ve been married for 3 years and I only just found out recently that before we got married my husband ran a background check on me and my family.”
“I found out because we were on vacation with his family and they were doing things I had no interest in participating in a few times so I stayed behind.”
“He let me borrow his laptop because I left mine at home. I made a folder with my name and I was searching for it when I found another folder with my name.”
“The folder was full of reports on me, my family (including extended family) and two of my childhood friends.”
“I read as much of the reports as I could before my husband and his family came home for the day. At first, I was just hurt he would do something like this without talking to me first but as I read more and started finding out things about my family and friends that I never even knew, I started to get angry.”
“It’s hard to put it into words but I felt like I had gone cold all over but also like it wasn’t me reading these things.”
“So, when I saw my husband, I exploded on him in front of his family. At first, he tried to say it wasn’t a big deal and his cousin chimed in to say it was normal and he wasn’t the only one who had done it in their family.”
“When he saw I wasn’t calming down he tried to get me to go into our room so we could talk about it privately but I told him I wasn’t going anywhere with him and I was leaving.”
“My husband told me to stay and he would sleep somewhere else or he would leave but we were staying in a house owned by his parents and it felt weird for me to stay and make him leave, especially since his family were there still too.”
“I ended up staying at a hotel for the night and we both flew home shortly after that cutting the vacation short.”
AITA?
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole in the situation.
“I’m going with NTA just based on how extensive this search seemed to be. I don’t think it’s super unusual to do a background check on someone, but the fact that it’s your family, extended family, and friends leads me to believe that this is some YOU-level stalky BS., and I’d freak out too.” – Spare-Article-396
‘At first, he tried to say it wasn’t a big deal’
“Anytime somebody reaches for the ‘not a big deal’ and tries to tell the upset person how to feel, they’re being a**holes.”
‘and his cousin chimed in to say it was normal and he wasn’t the only one who had done it in their family.’
“Sounds like a family of normalized a**holes. NTA” – JudgeJudAITA
“NTA blatant disrespect and breach of any boundaries it would be one thing is you where aware and agreed for yourself but your family and friends ??!”
“WTAF no no no this is a massive red flag what other things has he done no no no sorry this is a hard stop for me.” – kiddaileyvxfaa
‘I found another folder with my name. The folder was full of reports on me, my family (including extended family) and two of my childhood friends.’
‘I was just hurt he would do something like this without talking to me first.’
‘I read more and started finding out things about my family and friends that I never even knew.’
“Something like this goes beyond your basic Googling someone’s name or checking their social media. If he’s finding out info about your childhood friends that you didn’t know, then he’s gone far beyond a reasonable glimpse.”
‘when I saw my husband, I exploded on him in front of his family.’
“I’m not sure what other reaction you’re supposed to have, since you’d just discovered this. Shouting at a spouse isn’t great, but in this case I understand why. He went behind your back and violated any kind of boundaries you or the people close to you had.”
‘he tried to say it wasn’t a big deal and his cousin chimed in to say it was normal and he wasn’t the only one who had done it in their family.’
“His cousin is probably trying to de-escalate, but it’s scary to think they all do this and know their date’s history to this degree without their knowledge.”
“NTA.”
“He did these checks before you got married, married you, and you only found out by accident. So it seems like he never planned on telling you what he’d done. So much for trust in the relationship.”
“If he had concerns, he should’ve talked with you about them, and spent time actually getting to know the people close to you. Stuff like ‘are you divorced or do you have kids’ comes up during initial dating.”
“Getting to know family and friends comes afterwards. Whether he did these checks before your first date or after several years as a couple, he violated your trust and went way overboard.”
“I wonder how he’d react if you’d done the same to him.” – TheGingerCynic
“NTA! If you gave him no reason to distrust you, that’s just WEIRD. It is NOT NORMAL to run a background check on someone AND their family, especially as he never mentioned it to you.”
“What a violation of privacy – this would be a deal-breaker for me, TBH. Good luck, OP.” – Alarmed-Hamster-4047
Overall, a lot of people thought what the husband had done was a major violation, and they believed the OP’s emotional reaction in confronting him was warranted.