There are some things that mean more to us because of their emotional connection to our family.
Those are the things that should be prioritized. Especially during family celebrations.
Redditor ThrowRa1927_qo encountered this very issue with their husband. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
“AITA for not letting my husband have any birthday cake?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Wheeew the title sounds childish AF but bare with me here.”
“Husband and I have two little girls, 2mo and 3y/o and as you can imagine our household is hectic as anything so I told him for my birthday I don’t want anything, I don’t want to go for a meal out or a gift but I did want a birthday cake.”
“I even specified what cake; vanilla cake, vanilla buttercream with strawberries, mango and kiwi on top.”
“I like small traditions like birthday cakes, we didn’t do it when I was growing up and I’ve made a point to start doing it now.”
OP’s husband did not deliver.
“Come to my birthday and I was looking forward to this cake and it turns out he didn’t get it.”
“I got disappointed and a little emotional but I just thought it’s like a little thought and effort that he didn’t go through.”
“I got myself a small cake as well as my 3y/o, when I got home my husband started nagging for half and I refused which has caused this argument”
“I’m upset because I see getting a cake as minimal thought and effort especially since I told him what cake to get.”
“He says we shouldn’t have to worry about birthday traditions while we’ve got two small children + I’m showing our 3y/o that it’s okay to throw tantrums over something small.”
“He says he forgot because he’s been busy with our baby, we do everything 50/50 so it’s not like he’s been alone with the baby with no time on his own.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“You even told him what kind of cake you wanted and he couldn’t put a reminder in his phone to order you a cake?”
“Nah, not childish. This isn’t about cake, Imo. This is about his lack of effort to show any appreciation. It’s so critical and so easily overlooked.”
“You two need to sit down and talk about the fact that it’s not about the cake but something MUCH deeper.”
“Also, happy birthday ♡”
“Edit: grammar. Also, a lot of people have added that this behavior is kinda gaslight. It’s really crappy he didn’t just apologize and try to make up for it in another way.”
“Edit 2: Holy shit this comment got blown up. Thanks for the awards! First time I got any!! ♡ Don’t forget to tell OP happy birthday!” ~ Ambivalently_OW
Some took it a bit far.
“NTA, but probably not going to like what I have to say.”
“You didn’t get a cake because your husband didn’t think it was important. The fact that YOU thought it was important was immaterial to him. He dismisses something reasonable that you want because he sees no value in it.”
“This is not something that will improve. He’s selfish and content to be so. Only his wants/needs matter.”
“If you think it’s bad now, wait until he starts dismissing what your children want because those things (eating dinner as a family, playing a board game with them, going to the park, going to McDonald’s) are unimportant to him!”
“How do I know? I was married to an incredibly selfish narcissist for too many years. Our child suffered when it became abundantly clear that dad’s love was conditional (do what he wants when he wants, dress like he wants, like what he wants, etc.).”
“Your kids deserve better and so do you!”
“TL/DR: Actions speak louder than words. His actions show he’s selfish and you matter less than he does. Your children will matter less than him, also. Leave or be miserable for decades!” ~ The_Final_Analysis
“God where were you ten years ago when I married my soon-to-be ex?”
“He STILL doesn’t understand any of this shit and I legit cannot wait for my divorce to be final.” ~ Ambivalently_OW
“Ten years ago, I was still married to (one year away from leaving) my own selfish narcissistic husband. I learned the hard way, stayed way too long, took way too much shit, and our child suffered from his selfishness. He told her multiple times every week (without words, just with his actions) just how unimportant she was.”
“I regret giving her such a crappy father.”
“Glad you’re well out of it, Ambivalently_OW. Celebrate HEARTILY when the divorce comes through. You’ve survived it and now you’re wiser for yourself and others!” ~ The_Final_Analysis
Some Redditors offered advice.
“This, although a valid situation, is one end of the extreme.”
“He may have narcissisctic tendencies, but it is always possible that he just did something thoughtless, and CAN improve.”
“Explain to him what happened – creating a birthday tradition is valuable to you, and even though you don’t want a big fuss, you DO want to feel a little bit special on your birthday.”
“You had discussed and agreed that he would buy you a birthday cake.”
“He didn’t follow through on your agreement and didn’t make any effort.”
“You felt devalued and ignored.”
“You bought yourself and your daughter some cake to celebrate, but seeing as it obviously WASN’T IMPORTANT to your husband, you didn’t bother to include him.”
“Now he is upset because he feels excluded. Even though he didn’t bother to make the effort for you.”
“He is experiencing the consequences of his own actions.”
“This isn’t about pettiness, this is about him experiencing exactly what he did to you, because apparently treating people with care and kindness is only important when HE benefits.If this relationship is going to survive, he is going to have to feed in to your emotional needs a little more and stop thinking selfishly.”
“Edit – NTA” ~ Aussiealterego
OP deserves the birthday they want.