Raising a child with an ex-spouse or partner comes with numerous challenges.
None moreso, however, than maintaining a healthy relationship with your ex, for the benefit of the child.
Putting aside all the pain, anger, and hurt that led your relationship to end isn’t easy, however, and more often than not, emotions might result in making decisions we might live to regret.
Redditor DryChapter5918 was co-parenting her daughter with her ex-boyfriend.
The original poster (OP) soon learned that her ex was soon to marry.
Only, the OP did not find out directly from either her ex or his new fiancée
The nature of her discovery, as well as the behavior of her ex, resulted in the OP forbidding her daughter from attending her father’s wedding.
Wondering if she was being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my daughter’s dad she isn’t going to his wedding because of the way I found out about it?”
The OP explained why she planned on forbidding her daughter from attending her father’s wedding:
“I (26 F[emale]) broke up with my ex/daughter’s dad (25 M[ale]) 3 years ago.”
“We were together 5 years, had our daughter (6 F) after 2 years together. Good coparenting & don’t really talk about anything outside our child.”
“He‘s been dating fiancée (25 F) for almost 3 years.”
“He didn’t tell me about him dating her, my 3y/o did, btw.”
“Things changed when the fiancée announced their engagement.”
“I ONLY knew bc I saw it on HER social media.”
“She & I have been friends on social media for over 10 years, but ex and I aren’t friends.”
“Right before this, he told me that he could not financially support his daughter for ‘a while’.“
“He pays ‘child support’ but we’ve never gone to court.”
“He told me it was because he was moving into a new job field. I said, ’ That’s great and fine.”
“Days later, I open my social app to see an expensive-looking ring.”
“I was annoyed but things were civil, so I said nothing. Fast forward a month later, his mom texted me to say she would take our child on his days, but not ALL of his days.”
“He texts me after to say that he was busy.”
“It’s less than 24 hours before he was supposed to have her, so I figured something must‘ve come up.”
“I made arrangements to be home instead.”
“It was only until a few days later that I started seeing vacation photos on his fiancée’s Facebook.”
“Next was word vomit.”
“When his next time to have our daughter came, I let him have it.”
“I told him he could have let me know in advance he was going out of town and that he had to have known for weeks ahead & how disrespectful he used his mom to communicate instead of coming to me.”
“I said it’s a pattern, he also didn’t tell me about his plan to marry & that involves our daughter.”
“His response?”
“His fiancée wasn’t getting any legal rights to our daughter; why did it matter?”
“I asked – Is it important for our daughter to gain a step-mother?”
“Is it important that YOU tell me about important things going on in our daughter’s life?”
“The conversation really went nowhere, and his fiancée then blocked me, which spoke volumes – ‘not only do we think you should’ve found out like this, you shouldn’t have found out at all’.”
“In the end, I told him our daughter wouldn’t attend his wedding.”
“As far as she knows, the reason she isn’t going to the wedding is bc we have a trip planned for that day, & they don’t even have a set wedding date because they are due with a new child now.”
“I‘ve raised our daughter almost solely, even when he and I were together, I’ve been there for all of her important events, & I fear he’ll go behind my back and I’ll miss seeing her at her first wedding (and even potentially being a flower girl for the first time).”
“I would not be able to help her dress, or do her hair, or see her walk the aisle, all of which mean a great deal to me to be witness to.”
“My friends tell me I’m not [the a**hole], everyone else says that I’m being selfish and punishing them for no real reason, & his family says I’ve caused them to postpone the wedding. I feel bad, but I still am firm in my decision.”
“Please tell me, AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community.
Many felt that the OP had no one to blame but herself for causing this scenario, feeling that she should have gotten a legal child support and custody agreement from the get-go, with others finding her behavior petty and immature:
“YTA to your daughter for letting that a**hole get out of paying child support.”- ImpossibleAd7376
“YTA.”
“For not going to court and getting child support.”- Ginkachuuuuu
“Look coparenting is a b*tch.”
“Take him to court and get an actual child support order and stop messing around.”
“That said YTA if you prevent your daughter from attending her father’s wedding just because you are feeling pissy.”- Shortestbreath
“YTA for not having court-ordered visitation and child support.”
“Period.”- ProfessorDistinct835
“You’re an a**hole (YTA), and you need to invoke an actual child support order.”
“You clearly can’t rely on him to do the right thing, and continuing to act like you don’t need a formal structure does nothing other than tell him it’s okay to do this, and not set your daughter up to get her fair share of support.”
“If you don’t care enough to set up a formal arrangement when you know he doesn’t really do what he’s supposed to, you can’t just be all shocked Pikachu when he doesn’t properly communicate with you.”
“He can just plan to have the wedding on his time, and you won’t be able to do anything to stop it.”
“Get your sh(t together and get a real child support and custody agreement in place.”
“Stop complaining about him not supporting your child when you aren’t taking a giant step that would actually work towards resolving the problem.”- HistoricalQuail
While others had trouble sympathizing with anyone in this scenario, feeling everyone needed to grow up and start acting like responsible adults and parents:
“ESH.”
“He sucks for being a sh*tty dad and co-parent, and you suck for putting yourself and your feelings ahead of what’s best for your daughter.”
“Go to court and make things legal, and make decisions that you can justify to your daughter in the future.”
“Your daughter will find out one day if you’re the reason that she wasn’t at the wedding.”- Diet-CokeWh*re
“ESH.”
“You two jacka**es keep going on like this, and your poor daughter will need a lifetime of therapy.”
“STOP PUTTING HER IN THE MIDDLE!”
“This is HER father and HIS wedding.”
“WTF does it have to do with YOU?”
“Why don’t you and your ex just continue this sh*tty, toxic behavior towards each other and making your poor daughter miserable in the process?”
“SERIOUSLY.”
“Quit making this about you.”
“I feel so sorry for your daughter.”
“SHAME ON YOU.”
“DO BETTER!”
“It’s like you and your ex are in a contest to see who can be the most ridiculous and the biggest jacka**.”- RTIQL8
“Get a court order for child support and visitation.”
‘Your daughter needs that stability.”
“It’s none of your business if your ex gets engaged or married.”
“If he asks to get out of his responsibilities, say NO.”
“Saying that your daughter can’t attend her father’s wedding makes you look petty and jealous.’
“No matter what he does that irritates you, your daughter is not to be used as a pawn for your revenge.’
“ESH.”
“Grow up.”- 2Kittens4me
‘You had me until you started saying that you’ll miss seeing her at her first wedding and potentially a flower girl.”
“Huh?!”
“That’s your ex, her dad’s wedding.”
“You wouldn’t be invited.”
“It sounds like he’s an unreliable co-parent, but it also sounds like you’re bitter and angry because you aren’t being included & consulted in his upcoming marriage.”
“Sorry, but exes generally are not, and kids usually are.”
“So ESH.”
“You will not be helping your daughter dress, doing her hair, or seeing her walk down the aisle.”
“You’re the ex.”
“You don’t belong at his wedding, but his daughter does if he wants her in the wedding.”
“His & his family will sort out her attire.”- BlondDee1970
“ESH.”
“Stop weaponizing your daughter and put her first.”- turkeyman4
“ESH.”
“He sucks for how he handled all of this.”
“You suck for withholding the child from a meaningful experience in her life.”
“It isn’t about you being there to do her hair or watch her be a flower girl.”
“It’s not important for you to witness that.”
“It sucks that you won’t see it, but it’s just how it goes.”
“It’s not about you.”
“But you also should have an official custody and child support plan in place.”- Soft-Tangelo-6884
It seems clear that the OP has unresolved feelings about her relationship with her ex and their current arrangement.
That said, keeping her daughter from attending her father’s wedding likely won’t change that.
Nor, however, will the shockingly cavalier attitude of the OP’s ex.
It’s hard not to agree that creating an official, legal arrangement may be the wake-up call both parents need to give their daughter a stable, happy upbringing.