Raising a child with an ex-spouse or partner comes with numerous challenges.
None moreso, however, than maintaining a healthy relationship with your ex, for the benefit of the child.
Putting aside all the pain, anger, and hurt that led your relationship to end isn't easy, however, and more often than not, emotions might result in making decisions we might live to regret.
Redditor DryChapter5918 was co-parenting her daughter with her ex-boyfriend.
The original poster (OP) soon learned that her ex was soon to marry.
Only, the OP did not find out directly from either her ex or his new fiancée
The nature of her discovery, as well as the behavior of her ex, resulted in the OP forbidding her daughter from attending her father's wedding.
Wondering if she was being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my daughter's dad she isn't going to his wedding because of the way I found out about it?"
The OP explained why she planned on forbidding her daughter from attending her father's wedding:
"I (26 F[emale]) broke up with my ex/daughter's dad (25 M[ale]) 3 years ago."
"We were together 5 years, had our daughter (6 F) after 2 years together. Good coparenting & don't really talk about anything outside our child."
"He's been dating fiancée (25 F) for almost 3 years."
"He didn't tell me about him dating her, my 3y/o did, btw."
"Things changed when the fiancée announced their engagement."
"I ONLY knew bc I saw it on HER social media."
"She & I have been friends on social media for over 10 years, but ex and I aren't friends."
"Right before this, he told me that he could not financially support his daughter for 'a while'."
"He pays 'child support' but we've never gone to court."
"He told me it was because he was moving into a new job field. I said, ' That's great and fine."
"Days later, I open my social app to see an expensive-looking ring."
"I was annoyed but things were civil, so I said nothing. Fast forward a month later, his mom texted me to say she would take our child on his days, but not ALL of his days."
"He texts me after to say that he was busy."
"It's less than 24 hours before he was supposed to have her, so I figured something must've come up."
"I made arrangements to be home instead."
"It was only until a few days later that I started seeing vacation photos on his fiancée's Facebook."
"Next was word vomit."
"When his next time to have our daughter came, I let him have it."
"I told him he could have let me know in advance he was going out of town and that he had to have known for weeks ahead & how disrespectful he used his mom to communicate instead of coming to me."
"I said it's a pattern, he also didn't tell me about his plan to marry & that involves our daughter."
"His response?"
"His fiancée wasn't getting any legal rights to our daughter; why did it matter?"
"I asked - Is it important for our daughter to gain a step-mother?"
"Is it important that YOU tell me about important things going on in our daughter's life?"
"The conversation really went nowhere, and his fiancée then blocked me, which spoke volumes - 'not only do we think you should've found out like this, you shouldn't have found out at all'."
"In the end, I told him our daughter wouldn't attend his wedding."
"As far as she knows, the reason she isn't going to the wedding is bc we have a trip planned for that day, & they don't even have a set wedding date because they are due with a new child now."
"I've raised our daughter almost solely, even when he and I were together, I've been there for all of her important events, & I fear he'll go behind my back and I'll miss seeing her at her first wedding (and even potentially being a flower girl for the first time)."
"I would not be able to help her dress, or do her hair, or see her walk the aisle, all of which mean a great deal to me to be witness to."
"My friends tell me I'm not [the a**hole], everyone else says that I'm being selfish and punishing them for no real reason, & his family says I've caused them to postpone the wedding. I feel bad, but I still am firm in my decision."
"Please tell me, AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community.
Many felt that the OP had no one to blame but herself for causing this scenario, feeling that she should have gotten a legal child support and custody agreement from the get-go, with others finding her behavior petty and immature:
"YTA to your daughter for letting that a**hole get out of paying child support."- ImpossibleAd7376
"YTA."
"For not going to court and getting child support."- Ginkachuuuuu
"Look coparenting is a b*tch."
"Take him to court and get an actual child support order and stop messing around."
"That said YTA if you prevent your daughter from attending her father's wedding just because you are feeling pissy."- Shortestbreath
"YTA for not having court-ordered visitation and child support."
"Period."- ProfessorDistinct835
"You're an a**hole (YTA), and you need to invoke an actual child support order."
"You clearly can't rely on him to do the right thing, and continuing to act like you don't need a formal structure does nothing other than tell him it's okay to do this, and not set your daughter up to get her fair share of support."
"If you don't care enough to set up a formal arrangement when you know he doesn't really do what he's supposed to, you can't just be all shocked Pikachu when he doesn't properly communicate with you."
"He can just plan to have the wedding on his time, and you won't be able to do anything to stop it."
"Get your sh(t together and get a real child support and custody agreement in place."
"Stop complaining about him not supporting your child when you aren't taking a giant step that would actually work towards resolving the problem."- HistoricalQuail
While others had trouble sympathizing with anyone in this scenario, feeling everyone needed to grow up and start acting like responsible adults and parents:
"ESH."
"He sucks for being a sh*tty dad and co-parent, and you suck for putting yourself and your feelings ahead of what's best for your daughter."
"Go to court and make things legal, and make decisions that you can justify to your daughter in the future."
"Your daughter will find out one day if you're the reason that she wasn't at the wedding."- Diet-CokeWh*re
"ESH."
"You two jacka**es keep going on like this, and your poor daughter will need a lifetime of therapy."
"STOP PUTTING HER IN THE MIDDLE!"
"This is HER father and HIS wedding."
"WTF does it have to do with YOU?"
"Why don't you and your ex just continue this sh*tty, toxic behavior towards each other and making your poor daughter miserable in the process?"
"SERIOUSLY."
"Quit making this about you."
"I feel so sorry for your daughter."
"SHAME ON YOU."
"DO BETTER!"
"It's like you and your ex are in a contest to see who can be the most ridiculous and the biggest jacka**."- RTIQL8
"Get a court order for child support and visitation."
'Your daughter needs that stability."
"It's none of your business if your ex gets engaged or married."
"If he asks to get out of his responsibilities, say NO."
"Saying that your daughter can't attend her father's wedding makes you look petty and jealous.'
"No matter what he does that irritates you, your daughter is not to be used as a pawn for your revenge.'
"ESH."
"Grow up."- 2Kittens4me
'You had me until you started saying that you'll miss seeing her at her first wedding and potentially a flower girl."
"Huh?!"
"That's your ex, her dad's wedding."
"You wouldn't be invited."
"It sounds like he's an unreliable co-parent, but it also sounds like you're bitter and angry because you aren't being included & consulted in his upcoming marriage."
"Sorry, but exes generally are not, and kids usually are."
"So ESH."
"You will not be helping your daughter dress, doing her hair, or seeing her walk down the aisle."
"You're the ex."
"You don't belong at his wedding, but his daughter does if he wants her in the wedding."
"His & his family will sort out her attire."- BlondDee1970
"ESH."
"Stop weaponizing your daughter and put her first."- turkeyman4
"ESH."
"He sucks for how he handled all of this."
"You suck for withholding the child from a meaningful experience in her life."
"It isn't about you being there to do her hair or watch her be a flower girl."
"It's not important for you to witness that."
"It sucks that you won't see it, but it's just how it goes."
"It's not about you."
"But you also should have an official custody and child support plan in place."- Soft-Tangelo-6884
It seems clear that the OP has unresolved feelings about her relationship with her ex and their current arrangement.
That said, keeping her daughter from attending her father's wedding likely won't change that.
Nor, however, will the shockingly cavalier attitude of the OP's ex.
It's hard not to agree that creating an official, legal arrangement may be the wake-up call both parents need to give their daughter a stable, happy upbringing.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp